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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I am worried about my dad, my mum and pretty much my whole family.

19 replies

ELF1981 · 21/07/2007 21:04

Bear with me, and thanks in advance if you get through all of this. I was going to name change but I thought you'd all call me a troll because there is so much drama in my life, you might struggle to believe this!

Okay, about nine year ago my dad had a breakdown. He was having a stressful time at work, I was helping by being slightly over sexed at the time and discovering boys. At the time, one family member was not helping matters by basically stirring.

Dad got better and everything seemed to be going well until around this time last year when my aunt and uncle started to have problems.

He was trying to listen to them both, advise them etc and told my mum he was trying to help because he didn't want her to get stressed, nor my gran and granddad who at the time were not having very good health.

At Xmas it all came to a head between Aunt and Uncle, despite the 26 years they'd been together, they split up, because although he didn't have any proof, Uncle was sure Aunt was sleeping with somebody else (she was). There were various issues here, including the new bloke threatening my cousin (not directly, but texted my uncle saying "you cant watch your daughter all the time" and then turning up outside her school).

They were both talking to my parents for their help, but they split up in the end. Family have told Aunt that she should not be with this bloke (threatneing aside, he has a family, I'm not sure if he has left them). The new bloke started texting my dad as well and these texts got very abusive.

Around the beginning of the year, dad was having trouble at work as well, and it ended with him being on long term sick then taking early retirement. He and mum took a holiday but he was still getting abusive messages from this new bloke of my Aunt and messages from her.

Dad got back in touch with the relative who at the first breakdown was stirring, and he seemed to be happy. But this bloke then accused my dad of a lot of stuff, telling him he hated him etc (fucking wanker, I never liked him) which has knocked my dad for six.

Dad has spoken to Aunt, said he will never accept this new bloke, nor will my mum or anybody else in the family, and he does not want to be involved. Cue more abusive messages from new bloke.

My dad seems to be on the verge of another breakdown, he is very down and my mum is doing her best to help, but she is feeling the strain too. I had written to my Aunt and put my feelings forwards but my Mum asked me not to send as it could cause more problems. I am so angry at her, so angry at this other relative, so bloody furious about new bloke its unbelievable. I want to help my parents but dont know how.

I dont even know what I am posting for really. Just to off load and see if anybody had any answers.

OP posts:
ZZMum · 21/07/2007 21:11

I would do everything in my power to keep my Dad safe and well... so I personally would go see the Auntie and bloke and talk to them.. make them aware of the situation with your Dad and tell them any more contact will result in your contacting police and cut all contact with them why have people in your life if they cuase health issues... tell you aunt you are happy to have a relationship with her when she leaves him but until then, Dad and Mum come first... you have to be tough here but I think health and happiness comes first...

ZZMum · 21/07/2007 21:13

also change mobiles - cut out the route he can contact your parents...

Sorry you are goin thru this -- I would personally want to deck anyone who hurt my parents and this must be hell for you...

ELF1981 · 21/07/2007 21:16

I do want to go round and beat them with a stale loaf of bread.
I have not met this new bloke. Aunt has moved in with grandparents, and new bloke not welcome in the house. I haven't seen my aunt since Oct, and haven't spoken to her since Dec.
I have managed to keep myself distanced for the sake of my DH and DD, I work hard and am at college, the last thing they need is for me to be spending my precious spare hours talking to Aunt or worrying about her.
But obv my mum and dad are a different matter, and after speaking to my mum today, any worries I had have been multiplied.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 22/07/2007 08:11

Excuse me, ZZMum's advice is mostly excellent, but I wouldn't be happy with going to see a bloke who had behaved threateningly to a schoolgirl, would you? Sounds like he could be capable of anything. You have a daughter yourself and she must come before everyone, yes, even before your parents (as I'm sure they would agree). Your mum is also right, sending an angry letter won't help, it'll only get you on his abuse list.

He is obviously a very nasty piece of work, and if your aunt is basically a nice person she going to realise this soon enough. But to help her break away from him she needs to feel her family will support her, not that her horrible bloke is the only one on her side.

Your poor dad, what can I say, he needs to distance himself from these unpleasant relatives and start to live for himself and the people who really care about him. Hug him a lot...!

ELF1981 · 22/07/2007 19:24

We are hoping to send mum and dad away for an evening, and on the day they are away, get their house in order.

And yes, lots of hugs for dad!

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 22/07/2007 22:52

That's lovely

madamez · 22/07/2007 23:19

This is a horrible situation and I sympathise a lot. With regard to the threats and threatening behaviour, you need to report them and keep a record of them, otherwise keep as much distance as you can and suggest your mum and dad do the same (sorry but angry letters are useless in this kind of situation and can make things worse). If you can keep the lines of communication open with your aunt or at least let her know that the doors are open to her but not her horrible partner, that would be a good thing - because, frankly, someone who behaves like this to the family of the woman they supposedly love will fairly soon be beating and abusing that woman and she will need the possibility of an escape route.
I don't know where you live but try to find out about the local domestic violence/family mediation services and see if you can get at least some advice from them.
Best wishes.

millie69 · 23/07/2007 03:42

how do i stop loving someone i shouldnt even tough my feelings r so strong and i have a deep connection with this person?
im badly in need of advice

massivebigpantsface · 23/07/2007 07:51

millie - I suggest you go to the relastionships topic and start a new thread for advice.

Elf this sounds awful, sorry you are all going through it. Echo waht the others have said and stay strong for your family. Could your dad be suffering from depression? It might be worth a visit to the drs. I know it won't help this situation with your aunt etc but it might help him deal with it.

ratclare · 23/07/2007 08:05

tell your dad to change his mobile number at once and only give it out to people he trusts .

ELF1981 · 23/07/2007 08:42

My dad has changed his numbers several times, though my dad and mum find it hard not to give it to my aunt as they want her to know they are there for her etc but she is the one giving the number to this bloke.

I have asked them to go to the police but they dont want to cause more trouble. This guy sent them a text when they were on holiday telling them he hoped their plane crashed and that he knew that my sister was home alone

Dad has a doctors appointment this week, so hopefully there will be some help there.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2007 08:48

I can understand your parents not wanting to cause any more trouble but this man is sending them offensive text messages. This is a criminal offense and is also harrassment. Your parents not doing anything could just prolong their agonies.

Jojay · 23/07/2007 08:51

Agree with Attila

Or at least they need to change numbers and NOT give them to your aunt.

I know this will be very hard for them, but their health and safety comes first, and I'm sure your aunt has other ways of tracking them down if she really needs to.

He sounds like a monster.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2007 09:51

at the police not wanting to CAUSE trouble! Is the trouble not already happening, and is it not their job to stop trouble? Madness!

Anniegetyourgun · 23/07/2007 09:53

Er oops, the parents not wanting to cause trouble. Not quite as bad as I first read it (how do you delete messages?!) but still, parents are behaving a bit doormattish. That is what the police are there for. They also need to be firmer about not giving out their number. Auntie can get it from her mother if there is an emergency.

ELF1981 · 23/07/2007 13:24

No probs Annie I knew what you meant!

I think by causing problems by going to the police is based on that they havent saved all the messages and they also have responded to some.

I have told them to keep them all from now on.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2007 13:54

Your parents certainly need to keep all the messages sent. This man that your aunt is unfortunate to have hooked up with will in all likelihood send more.

They should not respond to any messages he sends but just save them instead.

Another thing to bear in mind is that they could though still show the police the saved messages he has sent. Sending abusive text messages is a criminal offence; a word from the police may be enough to scare him off or at least shock your aunt.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/07/2007 13:56

More help for your parents, they shoul dnot underestimate this as such behaviour is akin to stalking.

Mobile phones are a popular choice for bullies. They provide bullies with the perfect means of taunting their target with little fear of being caught. Text messages provide complete anonymity.

Many pay-as-you-go mobile phones can be bought over the counter and do not require proof of identity, nor is any record kept of the new owner. Calls made from these types of mobile phone are difficult to trace.

So, what can you do?

Never ignore or underestimate the threat

NEVER ignore threats, either verbal or by phone or via text message. But don't respond in the way the bully wants you to. When people advise you to "just ignore it", what they really mean is "do not respond to the taunts and provocation, do not engage or communicate with the bully, but instead take careful notes of what is being done to you, who is doing it and how, and record all of this in a journal so you can develop a strategy for dealing with it". The golden rule is, DO NOT RESPOND and DO NOT ENGAGE. You have a right to not respond to abusive people.

DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE the distress and the destructive effect that constant bullying and harassment can have on the recipient and their family. Bullying in all its forms invades your boundaries, is intrusive and violational and is thus a form of rape - emotional rape and psychological rape - especially when this goes on for months, or even years.

Empower yourself with knowledge

Understand what bullying is so that when it starts you can stay in control and nip it in the bud. Do your homework now. Start by digesting this page, then follow the links.

Recognise it early and keep records

Learn to recognise the early signs and keep a detailed diary. Print off the messages if you are able, otherwise make a careful copy of every one (including formats, abbreviations, spelling mistakes etc), the date, time, the caller-ID if available, or the reason for the caller-ID being unavailable (eg "withheld", "unavailable", etc) - even this can prove useful. It may be distressing to make a copy of each message, so get the support of a trusted friend or close family member.

Stay in control

This is a game - a nasty game, but a game. Learn the rules of the game: it's about power and control. Tell yourself repeatedly that the threats, insults, accusations, allegations, criticisms etc have NOTHING WHATSOEVER to do with you - they are a device for taunting, a fabrication, a deception, but most of all, a projection of the bully's own weaknesses, shortcomings, and failings. Every nasty word is an admission by the bully about themselves.

Detach yourself from the harassment early on. Each time you receive a message, train yourself to NOT think "what have I done now?" or "in what way is s/he telling me I'm useless this time?" but instead THINK "what is this jerk revealing about themselves this time?" The criticisms, allegations, insults, threats etc sometimes contain a grain of truth which is there to fool you into thinking that the insult has validity WHICH IT DOES NOT. Don't be fooled by this ruse.

Understand the bully's mindset

Bullies derive gratification - a perverse sense of satisfaction - from the power and control they exert over their victim. The aim of bullies is power, control, domination and subjugation. Bullies confirm the power and control by use of provocation. When the target responds, it's a sign that the bully has successfully exerted control. They jerk your string, you jump. By refusing to jump, you deny the bully their sense of satisfaction.

Bullies are also serial attention-seekers. They want a response - they don't care whether it's positive or negative, they just want your attention. It's like a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum. In fact, the harasser may have the emotional development level of a 2-year-old. When you don't respond, the harassment is at first likely to get worse as the bully is denied the fix they obtain from confirmation that they have controlled you (ie provoked you into responding). Choosing to not respond to provocation is more difficult than it sounds.

Get help and support

It's difficult to handle bullying by yourself, even if you're an adult. Text message bullying is similar to stalking. The bullies, who operate outside social norms, will try to isolate and separate you from friends and family, but don't be fooled.

Contact your telecommunications service provider and ask their abusive calls helpdesk for advice and assistance.

ELF1981 · 23/07/2007 20:49

Atilla, thank you for that info, I will pass onto my parents.

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