I think it’s over

[Myotherusernameisshy]

We’ve been together almost 20yrs, married 12 with three dc. I’ve been unhappy for the last few years - finding being a parent hard work, dead end job in part due to childcare issues which dh takes no responsibility for, various other bits and pieces. I’ve felt for a while that he isn’t happy either but he won’t admit it.
We got together (young) and the main thing that attracted me to him was that he was funny and fun to be around. He was also generous and lovely to me. Now he is really quiet, we rarely do anything unless I plan and organise it and he has become increasingly selfish. When he does make a plan it is for himself. He doesn’t let me know things he has decided to do then springs it on me and gets sulky if I’m not on board. Eg last time we went away immediately as we arrived at holiday destination he decided to go for a walk alone leaving me with all kids and dogs trying to find something to feed them and unpack. Why? We all wanted to go. When I said that to him he grudgingly agreed to go together but acted as though he was doing me a favour.
We were supposed to go away today. We had a huge row yesterday and he has gone with the kids and left me at home. I don’t even think I care any more- it’s like something that has been stretching for a while has finally snapped. I’m not sure what I want. I’m feeling quite empty and it’s very quiet. I don’t know what to do but I think I’m done. I’m so worried about being a single parent and the effect on our dc though.

Can you take this quiet time to reflect on everything?
You have the space to really think things through now.
What was the row about.

It's a big over-reaction from him but you do get some alone time now.
Make the most of it.

It was about him taking over what should have been a family day doing what he wanted to do, leaving me absolutely in the lurch again. Sorry trying not to out myself so a bit vague.
I know they are my children, and I am happy to look after them, but I would prefer if I am going to be doing it all on my own I would rather just plan a day out with them myself. They are not easy at the best of times and worse when bored. Instead he acts like he is going to be involved and then leaves me struggling for hours at a time.
Last night I offered to take them away by myself for a couple of days as it became clear that plan A wasn’t going to work. He could do his hobby, I could do something that the kids would actually enjoy. Instead he has taken to the place we had booked but by himself. He can’t do hobby if I’m not there. I’m home alone. One of dc was crying when they left because I wasn’t going. It’s a mess. I don’t know whether he thinks he is helping and being more involved but it just feels controlling.

I think you need to really think about what you want. Have you ever discussed the relationship with him?

Yes we have discussed our relationship several times. I feel as though I’m running out of things to say. I don’t feel like anything changes, I just get less tolerant of his crap.
Equally I’m not sure if it’s bad enough to leave my kids growing up in a split family. Am I being selfish?