Is it a rough patch?

[SpottsAndDotts]

How do you tell the difference between your relationship going through a rough patch ir it actually being over? I've been with DP for 13 years and it feels as if we have nothing in common other than the DC. Is this normal?

Hi OP. How did you get to this point? Presumably you had things “in common” when you started dating, or the relationship wouldn’t have got off the ground. So what’s happened?

We had children, he worked away a lot in order to support us. Now he has a job closer to home and as a result we see hin a lot more. He doesn't appear to enjoy being around us, but says he's fine. It was one thing to feel lonely when he was working away, its another to feel so alone even when he's home. I feel like I'm invisible .

Can you have discussion with him about this?
Tell him exactly what you have told us.
Can you have a 'date night' once a week to try to reconnect?
Would he agree to some couples therapy?

I have tried so many times. He shuts down every single attempt with "I don't know, what do you want me to say". He will say "I'm sorry you feel this way", and that basically everything is fine, it's me not being happy thats the problem. That if I was just happy then everything would be fine. But its really hard to be happy when I feel like a solo parent and he's just the boarder who I occasionally have sex with when I've had a few drinks. He doesn't enjoy spending time with the kids, or together as a family, he never initiates sex, but does make it clear when he expects it, he never engages with me on anything and if I even so much ad ask for a hug, he gives me the kind of half hearted one armed hug that you'd give to your great aunt at a wedding. He complains about the kids constantly, even though they're good kids. I just feel so sad that this is my relationship.

Well if he doesn’t want to spend time with you then yes, its over.

Burt he still has to parent his children, whether or not its fun for him.

I think that a lot of men like the theory of family life, enjoy seeing themselves as a stable family man with full domestic servicing and sex on demand. They just dont like having to make any effort and believe that they can opt out of all the mundane parts of being an adult and a parent.

Sorry.

He will say "I'm sorry you feel this way", and that basically everything is fine, it's me not being happy thats the problem. That if I was just happy then everything would be fine

Sadly I suspect you are wrong. He doesn’t care about you being unhappy, otherwise he would do something about it.

He cares about you SAYING you are unhappy. If you just shut up about it and do as he wants, everything would be fine.

It’s like when the washing machine is working well, we don’t ask it how its feeling. It’s only when it starts to make a banging or a whining noise that we start to worry that it wont function anymore and do what we want.

He wants you to STFU and get on with your job. That’s why talking to him will change nothing. He will make soothing noises ( I’m sorry you feel like that) but he wont change his behaviour. He’s not sorry about his actions.

I think you're right

The washing machine analogy is a good one.

It sounds as if he’s checked out of this marriage OP. So sorry.

The washing machine analogy is a bit brutal. But sadly, I think correct. He's adamant that he loves me and that everything he does is for me, he's just tired and stressed with work. And that I could.be a bit more appreciative of everything he's done for us. I feel like a demanding attention seeking spoilt brat.
He won't discuss anything in person, just txts me from his room.
I don't even know where to go from here.

@SpottsAndDotts

Texts from his room

From HIS room? What the? He texts you? Wow are you sure there's no one else on the side? I'd snoop if I were you

I've posted on here before under a different name, suspecting him of emotional affairs. Doubt he is having an actual affair
He has his own room as our children were terrible sleepers as babies, one in particular was quite poorly with asthma so slept in with me. He hated being woken so he has his own room. 2 of the DC are still in with me, not because they meed to, but because there's nowhere else for them to go. I've said we need a bigger house as they are getting older and he's just lectured me on how I don't understand how much things cost and how a bigget house is just not an option.

I don't even know how to snoop, his phone is on him at all times and is password locked.

@SpottsAndDotts

This doesn't sound good at all. The fact you don't go to bed together or sleep together is worrying . That's the most intimate part of being in a relationship. I don't mean sex I mean lying in bed and falling asleep together

Also, his phone having a code and him not leaving it speaks volumes. I can't say for sure but if I was to give you any words of wisdom it would be I bet there's someone else on the side hence his behaviour

I sorry if the washing machine thing was too harsh. But I do fear it’s accurate.

Not Talking to you but sending you texts from his bedroom is just bonkers, as is you sharing a room with the kids while he sleeps on his own “ because he hates being woken up”. Because broken sleep is so much fun for you.

He’s not going to change because he likes it like this. So you need to put up and shut up or end it.

I think you know this isn’t a marriage anymore. You need to make plans and lawyer up. Tell him nothing.

I suspect that you don’t love him anymore ( understandably ) so that will make it easier to focus on getting all the practical issues sorted. Sorry if I’ve misjudged this.

Do you have friends or family for emotional and practical support ?

This sounds pathetic, but it's not that I don't love him, I just wish he would love me back. There's zero intimacy anymore, as he never reciprocates and I'm just tired. Tired of doing all the work. I've not looked at another man once while we've been together, but lately I'm looking around and starting to notice guys who are really nice amd friendly towards me. I'm not used to it, and I'm wondering what it must be like to have that sort of relationship. But then I cancel the thought, I've got children and the thought of disrupting their lives just for a partner who may well turn out to be just like their dad...well, it doesn't seem worth it. I don't think I'm worth it.

You are worth it. So so worth it. Don't ever think you're not. I've found happiness again. After a dreadful 11 year relationship. I've got 3 young kids so believed it'd be impossible but it happened and I'm the happiest I've ever been. Please do leave if you're unhappy. Life is too short and you deserve to be treated right xxx

You might not find someone else again, that’s true. But it might be better to be alone with the children than to spend your life taking orders by text from the lord of the manor.

And hoping against hope that if you are a good enough washing machine he will love you again. ( He won’t of course. Because no one loves a washing machine - they either function or they don’t and we replace them.)

How many years can you live like this pretending that everything is fine to the children and him. Because no one likes a grump do they ? Put on that happy face ! Swallow your unhappiness and your basic human needs. Try not to get depressed.

How long can you go on providing sex on demand to him but never expecting intimacy or love . Or even having sex when you want it.

Keeping up appearances to friends and family. And being desperately lonely but not having the freedom to seek love elsewhere.

How long until your youngest leaves home? Ten or fifteen years maybe. Can you keep this up until then ? The only consolation I can offer is that you certainly won’t love him by then - you will despise him for his hateful arrogant behaviour, his selfishness and what he is doing to your children as well as you.

I’m so sorry, as a PP said you do deserve a lot better.

I don't think I'm worth it
And this is the problem OP.
He's knocked you down so far that you can't see your own worth.
You do deserve to be loved and cherished and appreciated.
You will never realise this while you stay with this man.
It really is all about him, isn't it.
Does he ever ask how you are?
How your day was?
Does he offer to have the DC for half an hour while you just have a bath or a walk?
Does he make a cup of tea in the morning?
This is not how a relationship should look.
It's not a good example to set for your DC.
They will mirror this in adult life.
I doubt very much you'd want this life for your DC?

Offer to look after the DC'S? This is what an average evening looks like in our house.

He gets in from work as I'm dishing up dinner. Eats dinner, then retires to his room, while I bathe younger DC's and older DC's clear table and load dishwasher. Once all DC's are settled watching tele/doing homework, I go sit with him in his room - he has his own couch and tele in there. He largely ignores me until 8pm when he decides it's bedtime for the whole house, as he wants "his time ". I go to bed with the younger DC's , while the older ones read in their room. I hear him clanking about in the kitchen making tea and toast for himself, but if I dare get up he gets huffy, saying I'm always demanding attention, he just wants 5 minutes peace.

I feel ashamed even typing this out.

Sounds as though he has already checked out but does not want to leave the convenience of the home with you doing all the work.
If he moves out he may have tp actually parent.

Op that is not normal at all!. I’ve always said to my oh when we had children he will need to pull his weight as they are half his children too. I wouldn’t have any of this, it sounds quite abusivr if I’m honest. He gets in a huff if you get up? In your own house? I understand about the being quiet if he works a lot and needs a good nights sleep. Me and my oh go to bed at the same time and if I need a drink I do feel I need to be very quiet as he wakes easily and gets broken sleep but he’d never tell me not to do anything!. In my opinion you need to end your relationship, you will be miserable for the rest of your life with this man if you don’t. I’d normally advise talking to him and counselling but from what I’ve read I don’t think he will change. Me an my oh went through a rough patch last year over an incident and I broke down one day and told him I felt no love from him he cried and felt so sad that’s I felt that way and never said anything ever since we have patched things up and things are now a lot better and I’ve not questioned his love for me again. That’s the difference he was genuinely sad thst I was hurt. Your husband didn’t seem to feel anything. I’m so sorry to be harsh I’ve been there myself with an ex, you’ll thank yourself in a few years time when he is out of your life.

No it's not a rough patch. It's living with an arsehole.

If you can't get out for you, get out for your poor kids having to live with this horrible man.

Confused@30, thank you for your kind words