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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you make these comments - red flags !?

25 replies

BringItOn19 · 30/05/2019 10:15

First time posting so please forgive me, I just wanted some advice on comments my bf has made. Bit of background he is 28 and we’ve been together 3 years.

Last night he made comments about his poor treatment of his ex and a one night stand.

He told me how one night he took a girl back to his flat, started to get intimate with her and then turned the light on thought she wasn’t as attractive as he initially thought (she was a bit chubby in his words) so told her to leave.

With his ex who he was with for 4 years, although he now tells me the last year it was just causal, he said how he could have cheated on her with one of his flatmates but didn’t, I also believe he said he did actually cheat on her and also while out together during the end of their relationship he proceeded to get a shop assistants number in front of her.

My question is should these be red flags to me on how he treats women or as the old saying goes can a leopard really change his spots?

OP posts:

Deathraystare · 30/05/2019 10:18

You have to ask? Seriously? Sounds a right shit.

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2019 10:18

Doesn't seem like he has much respect for women. Not that smart either to be casually telling you these stories.

NorthEndGuy · 30/05/2019 10:23

Men in their early twenties can be both insecure and immature, and that more often than not manifests as abhorrent behavior toward women. While that doesn't excuse the behavior, his willingness to share those past transgressions may be his way of opening up to you.

Did he seem proud of these incidents?

Daffodil2018 · 30/05/2019 10:25

Yes, these are absolutely red flags. I wouldn't keep seeing him.

Figure8 · 30/05/2019 10:25

Hmmm

Is he full of remorse, or was he making conversation, and telling you about his past feats?

People DO grow up, but if he doesn't feel he's done anything wrong, then he HASN'T grown up and is likely to do the same to you

Whocansay · 30/05/2019 10:27

This is not a red flag or even a series of them. He's actually telling you he's a complete wanker. Bin and don't look back.

He thinks this behaviour is OK. You cannot change that. He's a misogynist.

Catapultaway · 30/05/2019 10:30

Curiously. In the first instance what would be the right thing to do? We are fighting hard for women to be confident that they can change their mind and withdraw their consent at any point, and I assume ask the person to leave. Whilst his reasons may not be great, neither is sleeping with someone you know you are not attracted to.

Depends on the context in which he was saying these things, we all did silly things when we were younger. If its said in a way of boasting then he hasn't grown up. How did the topic come up?

QueenofPain · 30/05/2019 10:34

Eugghhh, what a piece of shit

Miffymeow · 30/05/2019 10:35

To quote Maya Angelou - "When someone show you who they are, believe them the first time."

billy1966 · 30/05/2019 10:41

Well he certainly was no prize when he was younger. What's he like now.
I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who thought that was the way to treat someone.
I think by asking, you have some doubts about him. If so, listen to them.

Soconfusedandlost · 30/05/2019 10:59

He is telling you to see your reaction. If you kick off, he will refer to it as "banter" and "just joking". If you laugh along with it, he'll do it to you. I would acknowledge what he said by just saying "I'm glad you've grown up now" or something like that. It acknowledges that you don't like that behaviour and certainly don't condone it

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 11:07

Ugh. He sounds really awful. You know he'll do the same to you one day if you hang around.

Original poster

BringItOn19 · 30/05/2019 11:45

He didn’t seem remorseful, in the case of him not cheating it was almost like he was suggesting she should have been grateful he didn’t cheat at that point.

I agree you shouldn’t have to sleep with someone if you find them unattractive, it was more how he said it. All of this came from a conversation he was having with his brother about another woman my bf tried it on with who in his words was a minger and the two of them laughing.. so I asked if it was the first time that’s happened. In our late teens, early 20s we all do stupid shit, i get that but wanted to see if it was something he left in his past.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2019 12:15

So him and your brother are both twats then. Have you dumped him yet?

StarlightLady · 30/05/2019 12:51

More like a bomb than a red flag!

HollowTalk · 30/05/2019 13:33

Aim higher. There are decent men around and there are complete skanks. This is one of the latter.

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 30/05/2019 14:44

Not one red flag but many but also please see the massive red flag of arrogance as he is telling you all this and assuming you won't take it on board and seeit for what it is.
Raise your bar and make an urgh face and walk away from this one. He is a total wanker and proud to be one by the sounds of it!

Original poster

BringItOn19 · 30/05/2019 16:20

Exactly that PP with the arrogance. Which shocked me most is the fact that he got another persons number in front of his ex, someone he supposedly once loved.

OP posts:

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 30/05/2019 17:01

This is one that deserves to be ghosted IMHO. It's not your job to explain to him where he has gone wrong with you.

Otterhound · 30/05/2019 17:37

I dont see a huge problem with the 1st bit - people are allowed to change their mind. He might not have been as harsh as he stated.

The other bits are total what territory though

Original poster

BringItOn19 · 30/05/2019 18:45

PP, it isn’t that he changed his mind I totally get that, more how he said it.. as if he was too good for her. Basically it was something like ‘I turned on the light thought she was a minger do told her to get out and she left crying’, ok you weren’t attracted to her but do you have to be that insensitive. Along with the stuff about his ex, I just thought wow who are you to treat people like that.. that sort of arrogance to do those sort of things and in front of those people.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/05/2019 18:49

If he was regretful and recognised what a shitbag he'd been, then that would be one thing - but since he thinks all that is OK, you should really think about who he is telling you he is.

TellySavalashairbrush · 30/05/2019 18:58

What a vile individual. The girl he asked to leave had a very lucky escape imo. Please aim much much higher op.

Closetbeanmuncher · 30/05/2019 19:43

Run like the wind (unless youre into that sort of thing)!!

He needs to learn some fucking respect and decorum....missing link is too mild.

I would rather masturbate for life than shack up with a imbacile of that calibre.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/05/2019 22:04

Yuck. I wouldn't let a man like that near my precious body. What a scuzzy individual!

I can't believe you're asking for advice. Surely it's obvious how to react? Ditch him.

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