Advice please

[NorthOfTheWatfordGap]

Long term lurker here looking MN advice but please be gentle.

Split from H 3yrs ago. It was a dead marriage with emotional and financial abuse. I started seeing someone (known through work contacts although we never directly worked together) who was separating from his wife. They had a DC (then 15) with health problems and I stupidly sent him packing back to her to sort things out once and for all. They attempted to make a go of it for the sake of the child.

Fast forward 2 years and he's come back into my life. Has left his wife and wants us to be together.

My problem is that my life has changed. A friend from childhood and I have moved in together but his mental illness often results in a less than healthy situation and I find myself faced with similar emotional abuse that I had from my H. We took a live in couples job and work well together but I'm fed up with the alcohol and then insults (at best).
I still loved this man and cobbled together a "relationship" with an old friend to move on from him.

This man's DC is now healthy & happy & has fully accepted his parents marriage is over. All our family know our feelings for each other. I've tried to explain this to my friend that I can't take his behaviour anymore but he doesn't accept it.

I want to run away with this man and start the life I should have had when I finally kicked my H out. Am I mad to consider this??

Please reassure my 3am overthinking

And I had put paragraphs in when I typed it (using the app). Sorry

The 'friend' is your partner?

He doesnt get to decide wether youvstay with him or not. If you want to leave him, leave him.

But, and I mean this kindly, you should not jump straight into another relationship. You went from a bad marriage, to a complicated relationship, to another unhealthy relationship. You need some time alone.

Getting into an unhealthy relationship, to get over another relationship will only end in you getting hurt.

End your relationship. Not for this man who has turned up again. Because it needs to end.

I am sure, if the other man loves you, he will give you time.

Friend isn't really a partner in my mind. Silly things like he refuses to let me choose what to watch on the tv.

My dilemma is that my job provides accommodation and the contracts we both have are linked so if we split up I'm jobless and homeless.

This man has now sorted out his own place so I wouldn't be homeless and could sort myself out with another job. I'm refusing to get into debt as I've only just finished paying off everything my H left me with and repairing my credit score.

As far as being on my own, I was on my own for the last 7 or 8 yrs of my marriage so to be part of a couple is really appealing - doing stupid things like walks in the park or going to the cinema. My friend and I don't do that as we've known each other too long.

Suppose I'm trying to convince myself that I'm good enough to be loved and have a "normal" relationship

I get that this man is an easy escape. But I think it's a mistake.

You need to be independent for a bit. Wether the relationship is different in your mind. You live with this man and have had, a physical relationship with him during this time.

The fact is that if the OM hadnt have turned up, you would have stayed in this crappy relationship.

That's what concerns me. You went from the OM into a shitty situation, to deal with the emotion of breaking up. And now you are going with OM to get out of this situation. Being on your own in a marriage isnt the same as actually being on your own and independent. You have spent most of the last few years in crappy or overly complicated situations.

You will do what you do and I hope it works out. But I think it would be a mistake to view OM as your saviour and start the relationship that way.

Being on your own in an unhealthy relationship is not the same as living on your own and discovering who you are and what you want from a relationship. At the moment you appear to be looking for an escape route via yet another relationship and that is not healthy for you or for a future partnership.

Get independent then take it from there.

Thank you everyone. Yes I think I do need to be on my own however it's easier said than done due to employment and accommodation. Has anyone got a magic wand I can borrow please??