Not sure what I'm looking for here. Just need to write it out.
Dh has long suffered from depression and anxiety inc periods of suicidal ideation. He's done therapy and had medication but has been managing with minimal therapy and no meds for a little while. Hrs not great on hiss own with the kids always. He gets over stimulated and overwhelmed. I am a full-time SAHM/ self employed and I can't envisage ever being able to do anything more. When he crashes I have to hold him up in addition to every other thing that a couple would share (child care. Cooking. Housework. Admin etc). It's single parenting plus intense personal coach/therapist on call 24 hours a day.
He had a relapse recently and together we managed to get him functioning again within 48 hours but fuck me I feel so wrung out.
Meds didn't really work. The only things that work are hink staying on top of exercise, meditation and CBT but that's 1.5 hours a day minimum.
I'm tired and angry and sad and jealous of friends who can leave their kids with their husbands without worrying they'll get a call from him in tears. I hate constantly having to shush them, make them leave him alone, creep around quietly when we're naturally a noisy bunch.
We need more money but I honestly don't think i can commit to a job. Our DS can be quite badly affected by his dad's depression and having me as a constant definitely helps.
Im just so exhausted. I feel like I have to manage everyone else's emotions and am not allowed to express my own. I have to accommodate everyone else s schedules but have little time of my own. Our youngest starts school this September but i need to make my buddies earn some money so all that time I'll suddenly get will go on working and I can't see when I'll ever get any time for me.
Am I being selfish? I just feel so utterly... ground down and used up.