So confused by ‘relationship’

[Eekdatingisntfun]

Help me please...I’ve been out of the dating game for a long time and I genuinely have no idea what’s ‘normal’ after a very abusive marriage.

Basically I’ve been seeing this man for a couple of months now. We have lots in common and it genuinely feels pretty easy. We slept together pretty early on and that’s also very good.

But...when I asked him where we were going, he explained that he doesn’t want nothing, it’s not not going anywhere, but atm he can’t fully commit to anything. He has 2 very young children who he has 80% of the time, a full time job and a large family that he helps out regularly. Plus significant travelling time each day to work/collect children/to childcare and also to me.

He’s said he loves spending time with me, but this situation is very difficult as he’d want to be able to give his all.

I have said I’d love to continue as we are as it works for me...but I have niggles that he’s just keeping me on side atm. He messages frequently and keeps me up to date with his days.

Help?!

Likely he is married.

Not necessarily married but not sufficiently frightened of losing you to commit to you. He likes you enough to kill time on a day to day basis but knows it is not forever. I guess he sees it ending at some point but right now he will date you. Dont plan a future.

I ONLY met this type on line im afraid. Gave up.

Your boundaries after coming out of any abusive marriage will have been eroded and your radar as to what is "normal" will be skewed as a result. I would seriously consider enrolling on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships.

I would not give this man you are seeing any more of your time. He has other priorities and you are well down that list. He is already saying that this is not going anywhere. This may work for you on some level but do not ever accept mere crumbs in a relationship.

Ps id stop him in his tracks by becoming less available not fitting in around his busy schedule.

So many single men will happily date you even if they do not see it as a forever thing

He's told you he doesn't want a serious relationship so if you want that, then you need to meet someone else.

Don't hang in there hoping to change his mind. He's looking out for number one and you should do the same.

He's told you he isn't in the headspace for what you want. So that's it.

We are quick to dismiss these guys as headfucks but surely he'll only become one if this carries on.

He's told you what he wants - it's not what you want.

He's shown you how he communicates - it doesn't work for you, makes you anxious.

You have the ability to continue, to keep mulling it over, why why why etc OR you can accept these statements of truth and stop seeing him.

No games, no nastiness, no regrets - you were seeing someone and wanted different things so it ended. Surely it's a simple one?

I may have read this wrong but I thought he said "it's not NOT going somewhere", as in "please don't think I don't plan for this to be long term but at the moment I can't commit to any more than I am giving you". Which is fair enough, it sounds like he has a very busy life.

It's up to you how you feel about it though OP, you've said that it works well for you and it's been easy so far. So what is it that makes you feel like you're being kept on side? Is it just the situation, where he is unable to see you more often? Or is he regularly cancelling plans, distracted when you're together etc?

Not that into you, only continue if you only want a casual relationship with him.

Is it a little odd for him to have two young children 80% of the time? Where's their mum?