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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how not to lose face when facing them

9 replies

user1891 · 29/05/2019 16:00

Dear masterminds of MN, please advise me:
a bit of background: split with exDP 3 years ago. I left him after more than 10 years together due to emotional abuse. We have teenage children. Since 2 years he is together with someone, we used to be in the same friends group. I have been avoiding them all this time as it hurt seeing them together at first and he made it worse then by playing with my head and oscillating between her and me before it was clear that she'll stay with him. She is much younger. My main concern at the time was that she will want kids and then to move back to her home city far away taking my ex with her.
Now she is pg and he expects me to be friendly and supportive. I cannot bring myself to do so, as it was clear that this was on the cards even before they got together - we used to hang out together during the separation year as friends. I wouldv'e not thought she 'd be so callous as to decide to get together with him as this would inevitably result him leaving his children from previous relationship behind sooner or later. At the moment he has little regular contact with them - I had to pressure him into doing it regularly which he agreed to only once the new woman was on the scene to impress and to help him!
Need advice on how to handle meeting her without coming acrross as bitter and insulting.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/05/2019 16:04

I have no idea at all why you have to meet her.
Just because HE says you HAVE to be friendly, doesn't mean YOU have to.
Keep your boundaries in place.
Tell him you don't want to get involved and you certainly don't want to be her friend.
Stand your ground.
Stop listening to him and what HE wants.
Take control of your life and only do what you want to do.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 29/05/2019 16:05

Why do you have to meet her? If you don’t socialise with the same group of people anymore, there really is no reason to have anything to do with her. As for being supportive Hmm and friendly. He can want that till the cows come home. Doesn’t mean he’ll get it. You are no longer under his control

wonderwhat · 29/05/2019 16:21

Why do you have to meet her? Why are you even talking to him about this? He doesn’t get to tell you what to do anymore. One of the benefits of being split up from him is that you can do the exact opposite of what he wants from now on

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 29/05/2019 16:24

You owe him zero.
You do not have to be supportive or nice at all!
He is an arse.

Happynow001 · 29/05/2019 16:46

Now she is pg and he expects me to be friendly and supportive.
He can expect all he wants - he doesn't own you OP. Be your own person, with your own opinions and stay clear if that's what you actually prefer. If he tries to "coax"/coerce you tell him firmly and clearly that you are not interested - if that's how you feel. As an adult you do get to make this decision.

user1891 · 29/05/2019 17:19

do I not? she moved in with him pretty quick and is not always present when the kids go to see him. i feel like such a bitch, like i am being difficult, and to myself i seem so weak that i cannot even face her

OP posts:
user1891 · 29/05/2019 17:25

meant to say is always around the kids when they are over at his

OP posts:
wonderinwhy · 29/05/2019 18:16

You can be a bitch if you feel like it. You aren’t obliged to be nice to her or him. You aren’t together anymore. He and she are just like any other random you might bump into at Sainsbury’s. You can be cordial to him for the sake of the kids but you owe her nothing. Forget her, forget their relationship. If the kids say anything to you about either of them then just nod and smile and say sweetly “that’s nice dear” then change the subject. Remember this phrase and repeat it to yourself whenever you feel yourself becoming over invested in them “Not my monkey, not my problem”. He’s not your monkey anymore and he’s definitely not your problem. How brilliant is that! Celebrate that with a nice glass of wine, stick your feet up, watch what you want on the tv and smile as you remember you aren’t the one who has to listen to him drone on about himself anymore

SilverySurfer · 29/05/2019 19:57

You are under no obligation to be friendly or supportive to this woman and what your ex wants is really irrelevant. Next time he asks tell him you have no interest in doing that or if you feel unable to tell him that which is , after all the truth, just say you're too busy every time he asks.

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