Feeling a like I am failing at being a mum at the moment :(

[Lillycake]

I have posted a few times so I'm so sorry if you have read my posts before now. I found posting here gave me so much comfort - lots of kind messages and words of support - I'm for the same today.
When my husband left I decided to go back to school. I chose nursing as the nhs helped with the uni fees and I got a bursary.
I struggled throughout with childcare but once I was in there was no turning back. My 3 dd's were proud of me, everytime I struggled with assignments but passed them. Every placement I struggled through but did it. Every obstacle and every challenge. I felt I was being a role model, even though it was all impacting on my own mental health. However....right now I feel like I am failing them. I absolutely hate working in mental health. I now suffer with anxiety and didn't before studying. I can't sleep at night as I get terrible head rushes, like my mind can't slow down. I'm struggling to find a position suitable with childcare - I finished in March so no income right now. The pressure to work in mental health is immense as I would be letting my dd's down after struggling to gain the degree. If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have done it and then wouldn't feel this way.
I can't afford a national minimum wage job - I was hoping my degree would help.
I feel like I am failing right now. I applied for a job in a prison because it was 9-5 but i don't want the position. I want a happy job. Anyway - i got there and completely broke down. I made myself late and had mascara everywhere. I couldn't go in (i know im a let down). Still sat in the car as i type this.
I'm sorry if you have read my past posts but really don't have anyone to talk to.

I don't know much about nursing but can your qualifications be transferred over to another type of nursing? I hear that mental health nursing is incredibly hard and struggling with it does not mean you are failing!

Hey didn't want to read and run but its no wonder you're feeling anxious after going through all that. Well done on gaining your degree that takes some serious hard work when you're on your own with 3 children and is not something to just be brushed off.

If not already done I really urge you to speak to your own gp who can give you something for the anxiety - i've been in your position where you have all the best intentions in the world of going in for an interview and as you sit in the car you talk yourself out of going, it's such a horribly low feeling. your not a let down at all. You have achieved more than most and the fact you got yourself there is more than I could do some days.

1st step should be with your gp, if you've already seen them you may need a review of the medication your taking, I don't know much about nursing qualifications so hopefully someone can come along and advise you better but do you have any other transferable skills so you're not limited to just mental health?

You're not letting your dds down if you don't work in mental health. Not in the least. You got through the degree, you've tried, it's not for you. Shit happens: people change directions, adapting to changes and having the the balls to admit a misstep are also important lessons.

Are you getting any support with how you're feeling, as you sound quite distressed and wrung out? Go have a chat with your GP and stop being so hard on yourself.

Thankyou all. I'm reluctant to see my GP as I do not want the side effects of medication. I know it's the situation I'm in making me this way.
I wish I had the courage to take a leap of faith and completely forget I ever went to study nursing.

Mental health work is not for everyone in every field. I've had friends burn out. Take a step back find temping work

You may not take the medication route though op, perhaps your dr could suggest counselling? talk therapy. dont suffer in silence.

If its the mental health work thats affecting you then like a previous poster said take a step back, do admin, temping could help. anything less stressful than forcing yourself to go to a job thats making you so anxious.

If you’ve got your MH qualification could you look into something like a post grad counselling qualification? You’d be in a more positive place and you’d access counselling support for yourself too. Have you considered looking at occupational health or community work?
What else do you fancy? Just because you qualified as a nurse doesn’t mean you have to work as one. Childminding? Dog walking? What else floats your boat?

Like you, I completed a degree in mental health nursing only to become unwell myself due to the stress of it all, and in all honesty, I found half way through the 2nd year that it wasn’t really why I wanted to do but I didn’t want to “drop out” due to fear of what my parents would say.
Changing career was the best thing I have ever done... I took on a support worker job which paid only slightly less than I would have been working for nhs, while I figured out what I wanted to do, and then trained to be a horticulturist.
I’ll never be rich, but as a head gardener I earn a good enough wage to be comfortable. And I don’t have a feeling of dread about going to work in the morning- and for me that is priceless.
There is absolutely no shame in deciding you want to do something different. Find a job that works for you both in terms of childcare and stress levels. You will be a role model to your DC regardless.

Thankyou all so so much. I have spent the last 2 days trying to prep myself for another interview. I just did it again. This time made it through the doors. I could feel my body burning. I was shaking. I tried everything to calm my nerves. The reception must have noticed as she was trying to talk to me and i couldn't take anything in. The longer i waited the more i felt anxious. I went for some fresh air, sat in my car and just broke down. I am home now and my dd's asked how it went - I told them ok. I couldn't tell them the truth.
I have another interview at a nursery on Wed and not nervous about that. It's the nursing interviews, the nursing role within mental health, I just break down.
If I took the nursery job, it would mean a big drop in salary. I need to work as i have a mortgage to pay. How do I tell my dd's? Tell my uni friends? I feel so rubbish right now.

I think that you are being too hard on yourself! You have done really well to gain a degree and I’m sure that it will help you to gain another job even in a different field.
I know a couple of people who went down the aesthetics beauty route after not enjoying nursing. Something will come up. Financial pressure does make things difficult but remember to focus on what career you think that you will enjoy.
You haven’t let anyone down, I would be honest with everyone & let them support you x

You say "dds, I'm finding mental health work really stressful and not what I hoped it would be, so I've decided to have a breather from it and find something else."

You don't need to keep putting yourself through this.

1. Go to the doctors: your own mental health is important, you can find medication that suits you, or counselling. Stop trying to do this alone, you're burnt out.

1. Take time out from mental health work. It doesn't have to mean a complete end never to go back, if you don't want it to. You might find in a few months, you feel better and want to go back. If not, so be it. It isn't the end of the world. The degree is still a bloody victory.

I second what category said above, if its the mental health jobs that are making you worse then its a sign to stop looking for a job in them.

Good luck at your nursery interview tomorrow, it may be a drop in salary but your health is whats important right now. everything else can be worked on but you come first.