Hello,
I have lurked here for years but this is my first post, because usually I find the advice I need from someone else's post :)
I need some advice about my best friend. We have known each other since we were teenagers and we are now in our 40s. During those years we have been extremely close and each other's go-to person no matter what. We have laughed together (a lot!), cried together, holidayed together, dropped everything for each other's crises, and are as close as siblings, actually closer as neither of us get on brilliantly with our sisters! We have never argued.
We are both married and have been with our now-husbands for about ten years and everyone gets on very well with each other. I have spent a fair bit of time with his husband without him present as we have similar interests, so I know him very well too and we are good friends.
They seem to have a good relationship, however, my friend seems to be increasingly concerned about what his husband thinks and making sure that they have the same opinions.
A few examples. My friend hates rugby but has pretended to be interested because his husband likes rugby. My friend likes certain places but no longer goes there because he says he doesn't like them and doesn't remember ever liking them. We will go and see a film together and when it finishes and I ask "did you like it?" he will wait for his husband to answer before agreeing - he never has a different opinion. On one occasion we had seen a film without our husbands present and my friend said how much he loved it. Then we went again - because we loved it - and the husband said he thought it was rubbish and my friend immediately agreed. There are things that he has wanted to do for years and when these things are possible to arrange, he says he doesn't want to and never has and that I must have been thinking of someone else. Makes me feel like I'm losing my mind so I check old messages and emails just to make sure he really did say what he did!
Then there is really big stuff like moving to a different area which my friend previously said "over my dead body" and now, because the husband likes the area, they are moving there and of course my friend loves it and does not remember hating it.
You get the picture...
All of these are recent and are increasing so that now I only know what my friend thinks or feels if his husband is not around. If I ask him anything when his husband is around, he will immediately look to him and wait for him to answer. I'm finding it easier to talk directly to his husband when they are both around, to be honest.
There are also times when he and I will make plans, mostly at his suggestion, and then these plans will be cancelled or change to something completely different (that the husband likes) and he will deny any knowledge of the original plan.
A few months ago, we had a short break away together and after months, maybe even years, he seemed totally himself, relaxed and very happy. He is happy with his husband but it sometimes feels false. When it was time to come home he didn't want to leave and as soon as we got home he wanted to go out just with me. He was very quiet with his husband the rest of that day and then the next day he was back to being the ultimate husband pleaser and denying knowledge of anything we discussed (nothing deep, just plans to have a coffee, etc). It's like he is two different people.
As I said, I know the husband very well. He is most definitely not a bully, either physical or emotional, or in any way controlling. The pressure to be a husband pleaser is not coming from him, I am 100% sure of it. He will always ask my friend "but what do YOU want to do?" or say things like "we can do that later because I know you want to stop here", etc. He's a genuinely lovely guy who loves my friend so much and is also bemused about him suddenly not liking things that he used to like, etc. My friend does not need to be worried about having different opinions or doing things differently, and yet this seems to be consuming him.
I have mentioned my concern to my friend, as casually as possible, and his response is that he doesn't understand what I mean and that there is no problem. Then he either goes quiet or changes the subject. So I keep trying to take him at his word and leave it but then I see him not doing things he wants to do or doing things he really doesn't want to and pretending to enjoy it and I feel that as his best friend I should be able to help him. I've also tried a general "how's life with you?" approach and regularly ask how he is. His answer is always that everything is great whereas before he would tell me the slightest thing that was bothering him like someone parking too close to his car for example!
If his husband was mean to him then I'd be nagging him constantly to leave him or address the problems, but the only problem here seems to be that my friend is replacing his own personality with that of his husband, and does not seem happy about it even though nobody is making him do it!
So the whole thing is eating me up because I'm not sure if I should "interfere" because I see my friend isn't happy despite what he says, or should I just let him choose this way of living even if he's not being true to himself. He doesn't have anyone close to him apart from me and his husband so I feel that I'm letting him down if I let this continue.
Well done if you made it to the end! I thought it was probably important to put all the facts and background down.
Any advice would be very welcome. Either for me to handle this without feeling upset for him, or how to help him be himself without worrying it will upset his husband.
Thank you x
T