Told the kids DH and I are separating

[pashola]

DH and I have decided to do a trial separation. There is a history of mental abuse from DH, mainly towards myself and DS14 (we have 3 children) and I had an affair 2 years ago, I have written another thread regarding this.

He has anger issues and small incidences regarding his anger are happening frequently so we decided this was the best course of action while he attends counselling and from there decide if we can work things out or make it permanent.

This has been a decision 7 years in the making and I second guess myself constantly.
We told our kids tonight and the 14yo was fine, but DS10 and DS7 are devastated and can't understand.
My 7yo told me I was making his dad leave and why can't we 'just not fight anymore' it's breaking my heart and I'm starting to wonder (again) if it's all in my head and not as bad as I keep thinking it is 😟

You are wise to indeed separate.

Who does your H primarily get angry at; you?. If so anger management is no answer and its no answer to domestic violence either. If in the event he can control his anger around others (for instance people in the outside world), then it could be argued he does not have an anger management problem at all.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. The fact that your 14 year old does not mind you separating says it all really.

Your youngest children do not understand and they want and crave stability so in their world that represents their parents being together (because they see that their friends parents are together too). It seems that they have noticed the fighting at home too and as I often write too, sound travels. Its not always possible for parents to stay together and in your particular circumstances separation is necessary. They will adapt given time and support from both you and their dad. Its how you both handle the separation that is important now.

You're doing the right thing.
Your elder one will get it already hence the fine reaction but it does take a little time and reassurance with the younger ones.
You both need to be on the same page with supporting them through this.
both reinforcing that mum and dad love them, will always be there for them etc, just that mum and dad can not live together anymore so there'll be 2 separate homes that'll have.
In my own experience, similar ages of dc, it will get worse when he moves out for a while because it becomes reality but in time my younger dc came to realise that nothing much had changed except the obvious - less tension in the family home, dad having his own place - that kind of thing.
It didn't take them long to enjoy it for their own reasons though - dad allowing longer on gaming when they stayed with him. He got a dog etc... so long as he doesn't go all out disney dad or anything, they'll be fine once they get used to it.