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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help! Should I give up and move on

29 replies

DadFour · 29/05/2019 08:36

Hi
Thanks in advance for any insights.
I have been with someone for about six months and I am in love with her. When we are together I am very very happy.
But she doesn't make time for us. She is always saying next week. We have had two 'proper dates' in six months. The sex is good.
I spend a lot of time, babysitting her daughter.
She says she is busy.

She says she has trouble forming emotional attachments due to her childhood and emotional trauma from adulthood.
I don't want to give up, but I am getting more and more angry that she makes no time for us to have fun. And this is causing more arguments.
I do love her, but don't know why she won't make time for us as a couple.
What do I do?
M

OP posts:
SoUnsettled2 · 29/05/2019 08:38

Why is she busy? Is she working full time and managing a house/child?

KOKOtiltomorrow · 29/05/2019 08:40

6 months and 2”proper” dates and she is letting you look after her DC! Shocking. I’d move on as she is clearly not of sound mind.

Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 08:44

SoUnsettled2 - She has one daughter who is in reception and manages a rental property on AirBNB. Spends a lot of time on admin, like managing bookings and cleaners for the property.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 08:47

KOKOtiltomorrow - When we had been dating 3 months she went to the US and I took care of her daughter for a week. I knew the daughter because I had stayed over once a week, (and regularly done the school run for her) but I woke up in guest room as she didn't want daughter to see me as a substitute father. The father is not in the picture and the daughter is upset that he has gone.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/05/2019 08:53

Well she appears to be taking the piss.
It's time to give up and move on.
She is a user and you are allowing her to do it.
She hardly knows you and she left her DD with your for a week.
Just wow!!!!!

Likeamobvie · 29/05/2019 08:54

You sound really lovely.
The whole situation sounds very strange though, could she be just using you for childcare?

Happynow001 · 29/05/2019 08:55

This really isn't a relationship is it? Sounds like you are just useful to her.

Rocketgirl1 · 29/05/2019 08:57

Poor child.

I think you are wasting your time.

DesperadoDan · 29/05/2019 08:57

She’s using you for childcare, I’d get out now before you and the DD get too attached. Are you sure you know where she is and what she’s doing while you are looking after her child?
You sound absolutely lovely by the way.

MrMagooo · 29/05/2019 08:58

Bullshit she doesn't have time. She's just not making time for you.

Babysitting her daughter. You are a mug!

RantyAnty · 29/05/2019 09:00

What does proper date mean?

How old is the daughter?

Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 09:04

RantyAnty - Proper date is something that just the two of us do together without her or any of my kids

OP posts:
Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 09:05

RantyAnty - Daughter is 5 in August

OP posts:
Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 09:09

If I pullback from her for a few weeks, will she miss me enough to realise?

Thank you everyone for your comments, they are what I know in my head but am struggling with in my heart

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 29/05/2019 09:11

She'll miss the babysitting but that's all

PompeyBez · 29/05/2019 09:11

Sorry I'm going to be blunt, but you've ended up as a free part time nanny. I'm in a similar position to this lady and there's no way I'd be leaving my child with someone I've known that long! No offense to you meant at all. If you want to see someone, you make time!

Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 09:35

PompeyBez - I know you are right, so why can't I let go. I'm normally the one who says his is not working. This isn't working but I want to make it work. I don't fall in love easily, in fact I'd say I'm normally too hesitant. But with her something is different.

OP posts:
AuntMarch · 29/05/2019 09:37

This isn't a relationship, you're not even a friend with benefits, you're a nanny with benefits.
Stop looking after her child. That's how you'll know for sure if she actually cares about seeing you.

ChuckleBuckles · 29/05/2019 09:43

When we had been dating 3 months she went to the US and I took care of her daughter for a week

This is the most shocking part of your post OP, this woman is playing a dangerous game with her daughter's safety (that comment is not a judgement on you, but her) she is also using you for convenience, you can do so much better than this.

MrMagooo · 29/05/2019 10:37

Maaaaan. You really need to look how and why you got yourself into this situation. Are you that desperate, do you not see how you are being used?

Why would you want to play the game of pulling back and making her miss you. As another poster said, she will miss the baby sitting.

She'll probably say:

I've missed you and in the next sentence can you babysit next Tuesday for me.

PompeyBez · 29/05/2019 11:28

I think if you're considering ending the relationship you need to do it sooner rather than later, purely for the sake of her daughter, who is obviously building a close connection to you. I'm surprised at the comment that she doesn't want DD to see you as a father figure, she doesn't seem to mind this in relation to you caring for her full time for a holiday, and school drop off's etc. You obviously have very strong feelings for both of them, but do you think perhaps your feelings for your girlfriend are coming more from the physical side of things? You mention that area is good. If you've only been on two dates alone you've not really been able get to know her properly as an individual, which I think is important in the start of a relationship.

Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 11:45

PompeyBez - Thank you for your comments
I am connected to both of them, we make a great family. Even though she doesn't want DD to see me as a father. She often says she enjoys us playing happy families. It is not just about the sex, I want it to continue because I do love being a family with her, I just want a relationship one on one with her as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
DadFour · 29/05/2019 11:50

Thank you everyone for your comments.I appreciate all of them.

In typing this out this morning, I've come to the realisation that she wants us i.e. the happy family, but not me. That is why she never makes time for us. And she doesn't want her daughter seeing me as a father because she realises she doesn't want me and therefore realises that it isn't long term.

Thanks again, feeling very sad at the moment. But I'll come through the other end.

OP posts:
tootruetoyou · 29/05/2019 11:53

She is using you and is not that interested in you as an individual. I would demand more and if she can't give you this then move on.

TeaForTheWin · 29/05/2019 12:02

she says she has trouble forming emotional attachments due to her childhood and emotional trauma from adulthood.

Sorry but that line is bullshit. People might be hesitant in starting new things because of childhood trauma sure, they might take time getting to know and trust someone too but you guys are already together right? She even lets you sit for her child. So that no longer applies. So if she is still giving you that line, she is basically just saying 'I don't actually care about you but I want you to think I do, deep down, but that I just have trouble showing it'. Nah.

People tell you who they are, listen. She has told you she doesn't give a shit. And she is using you for babysitting by the sounds of things.

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