Dad keeps going back to controlling psycho girlfriend

[Lemonsqueasy]

Over seven years my dad has been in a cycle of living with, breaking up with, and complaining about the same woman. When they break up she harasses him, calling, messaging and turning up. She once even broke into the house through the window. He’s vulnerable as he lost his career about 15 years ago and had to get a low paid, monotonous job and move in with his dad. He became an alcoholic and doesn’t have any friends. His girlfriend refuses to pay her way despite his money troubles. She doesn’t work but has money from selling a second home. She removed the lightbulb from the living room so it wouldn’t wake her when my grandad, who only has one leg and is very fragile, gets up at 7 in the morning – meaning my grandad was fumbling around in the dark having just got up. Another time she accused my grandad of making a romantic move on her. She stole my dad’s false tooth when they broke up once. When they’re out, she walks very slowly so she can control how fast they both go. All this I know because my dad has ranted about it during their various break ups. I absolutely hate this woman because of what he’s told me. My dad’s not an unattractive man – he’s had lots of girlfriends (many of whom I’ve really liked) but never been able to maintain a relationship. I think the only reason this has lasted is because she harasses him until he buckles and they get back together. We had a conversation at the weekend and he said he was never going back to her, then last night he posted a selfie of the two of them, back together. I’m so disappointed but it’s happened a million times before. Is it too much to ignore him? I know I’m one of the few positive things in his life but he causes me a lot of pain with the stupid decisions he makes. I’m also about to have my first child, his first grandchild, which he’s really excited about. I’m living abroad at the moment but moving back when I’m 7 months pregnant. I definitely don’t want to ever be in the same room as her but I don’t want her to become all he’s got as I think this is what she wants.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do but be there for him.
It may be frustrating that he keeps going back to her but that's his choice at the end of the day so just support him in his decisions and be there for him when it all blows up.

Well, she sounds like a handful. Do you speak to her direct?

Why doesn't he have friends? I'd just try to gently encourage him towards a better, more balanced life but accept there's only so much you can do. It's frustrating watching people on destructive paths.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Just be there for him

You need to focus on your grandad if he is living in the middle of all this. There is a serious safeguarding issue if he is in the care of an alcoholic and and abuser. Please contact social services.

You father is responsible for his alcoholism and that will blight his life. Your grandfather is a vulnerable adult who is not responsible for his situation.

@Frownette no i never speak to her as I only have bad things to say and i know she'll use anything she can to try to come between me and my dad. And he doesn't have friends because he never goes out, my grandad needs a lot of help to walk to the bathroom etc. His job is solitary so he doesn't meet people through that.

Anything an alcoholic says has to be taken with industrial quantities of salt.

For example, her 'not paying her way' is likely to be 'she doesn't pay all the bills so I can spent my money on booze/won't give me more money after I've spent all mine on booze'. Or 'she pays for everything, but I'm never going to admit that because then you'd see that I'm a user'.

Did she break in because he chucked her out on the street? Did he really go on a binge so that she forced her way in to make sure that he wasn't dead? Was he actually so drunk that the window was open or she came in through the door and he's actually unable to remember, so accuses her of breaking in?

Stealing a tooth? Did this include 'and now I need £x hundred to pay for a replacement'? or was it really 'I was so shitfaced I fell face first into the table, knocked my false tooth out and I either can't remember doing it or don't want to admit that it was my own fault, so I'm blaming my girlfriend because Nothing Is Ever My Fault'?

Be wary of anything that comes out of his mouth. There's probably very good reasons why he hasn't been able to maintain a relationship before. Definitely don't hate her on the basis of his say-so.

And whatever you do, NEVER leave your baby in his care. An alcoholic will deny it and accuse you of being cruel to even suggest it, but being in charge of a baby is just another drinking opportunity.

You don't need all this stress when you're preparing for baby - what does your granddad say about it all?

@Mitzik, no, she always expects him to pay if they eat out, drinks in the pub, asked him to buy her expensive perfume for Christmas etc. And she had two houses at the time when she broke in, so she was very much not 'out on the street'.

@Frownette unfortunately I think my grandad is just bewildered and disorientated by it all, but I can't keep in touch with him as his hearing aid means he can't talk on the phone.

Gosh why would anyone steal a tooth...

@Lemonsqueasy that's what he is telling you. If you ask an exBF of mine, he paid for absolutely everything, bought me expensive presents, took me on holiday and did all the housework, cooking, cleaning and childcare whilst I went around stealing from his wallet to go and meet strange men for sex. The reality was considerably different. But his version means that people feel sorry for him and buy him a drink as a 'treat' or lend him money that he'll never pay back.