Boyfriend doesn't pull his weight around the house

[MissFloof]

So I live with my boyfriend and have done for the last three years. I am also 36 weeks pregnant with our first baby.
When we first got together my partner was very clean, forward thinking and helpful. A year ago I was working and doing University to keep us afloat, and then worked plenty to keep us going in the summer. He didn't work at this time. I often came home and he wanted validation for cleaning the kitchen surfaces while the rest of the kitchen was a mess. I ended up cleaning everything else. This and a horrible job lead me to have a little mental break. I had to quit my job in the end but luckily both our student finances came in by that time.
A year later he has a good job and university. I was doing university up until I found out I was pregnant and couldn't deal with how bad I was feeling. I was fainting, throwing up etc.. I was doing my third year at the time, dissertation and lots of work. He was working at a pub and doing only three units of his course. He had "more time" than I did. But I found myself doing more of the house work.

So, back to now. I'm a whale. I'm massive. Very pregnant. Fed up pregnant. I didn't mind taking on most of the housework because now he is full time working and doesn't do university anymore (he hated uni)
I will be going back to university in September. I couldn't cope so I suspended my year until 2019/2020.I do the hoovering, cooking, washing, clothes washing, animal care, getting ready for the baby etc..
What is upsetting me is that when I ask him to help me out and clean the kitchen, he will do SOME of the washing up. Leave it all drying and never puts it away and leaves me to put it away. And that is it. He doesn't clean the surfaces, put food in the bin. Nothing. The kitchen is in a right state, an obvious mess. It is like he is blind. IF I do ask him to do the rest of it, he will complain.
He will complain that I continue to fill the bin up or there are bin bags that need to be taken out. We had a discussion that putting the bins outside was his chore to be responsible for. Its too heavy for me to do at the moment. He will walk past FOUR bin bags in the hallway and DO NOTHING. And then complain at me that the place is a mess.
Anything I ask him to do or help with he seems to half ass it. He spends most of his time playing games on his computer.
The worst part is sometimes he snaps at me and tells me to stop treating him like a child by asking him to do things. I don't want to ask him to do things. I want him to assess the area and be like "hey that looks like a mess, I have some free time... let me clean that up" but he just doesn't do that. He used to be so neat and now he just leaves me to do most of it and expect me to do it. He will complain sometimes if he doesn't have clean shirts or socks. DAMN DUDE, Clean and put away your own socks then!
What should I do? I'm tired and fed up. I'm worried that he is going to continue this when the baby is here. How am I going to cope with recovery, newborn and keeping a house at least slightly "clean" (not to mention looking after OUR animals) and then in two months time I will be doing all of that AND my third year of University :(
I'm just emotional exhausted asking him to do things as an adult he should do anyway.

It doesn't get any better Im afraid op. My husband is a lazy shit around the house. When he was studying I worked pt but wouldn't get home until 7. The house would be a tip dishes still from breakfast, front room a mess he never washed any clothes. Now he works ft and I stay at home looking after our 2 year old and it's expected that I do everything. I've had so many rows over it we have somehow stayed married 13 years and have 3 children. I blow up and say I can't take it anymore you need to clean your own shit up he just stares at me. He actually called me mental the other day because I was angry at how the front room was. I wish I could offer some advice but I've not worked out what to do. Threats of leaving don't work either because he knows i have no where to go.

Do you love one another? I can’t see what you’re getting out of this relationship. He doesn’t value you or want the best for you based on what you’ve said. It’s going to be very hard once you’ve got a baby as well, you’ll need love and support from him for your own wellbeing.
I would be thinking very carefully. Look after yourself and your child.

So exactly what is he for??

What does he do - that you can't? Other than the bins which are too heavy (don't fill them so full) then he does nothing? Except make mess and expect clean clothes and food and a clean house?

He WILL NOT get better when the baby is here. expect lots of 'well you wanted 'it'' or you are 'not coping' because you are not happy with him. Or more 'you're mental' because you are sleep-deprived, living in a tip which is dangerous to a newborn, and he is doing what he's always done (phone, pub, gym, sleep)

Get rid now. Can you go back to family?

Was this a planned baby ? If you are young then I can't help but feel that he's not ready for adult life . Sorry I do realise this is not much help .

He is selfish and sexist.

Plan on being a single parent.

It's will be 10x harder when you have a baby. You will be doing what you're doing plus all the baby stuff. If you breastfeed you will just be a human feeding outlet most of the day.

Who knows if he will actually change any nappies or take the baby if your hands for you to have a rest.

Before you sleepwalk into another waking hell you need to have a chat about what you expect him to do now and when the baby comes. You need to split the chores.

I can't say I was the perfect partner when I was younger either and I'm still not but I do my fair share now and if my partner comes to me about something I listen and vice versa. A baby doesn't bring you together. Somebody once said a baby is like throwing a grenade into a relationship. If the situation is bad now it could be worse later. He might turn into the perfect father and partner when baby comes or you could find yourself trapped in a terrible situation.

Do you have family around or are you financially independent, is it your house. The reason is because that might be the only trump card you have. Threatening to leave if he doesn't get his shit together.

Sounds like he needs to grow up a bit and show more consideration.

If he leaves that's one less person to clean up after...

The fact is his behaviour is impacting your mental health and that's bad enough now but imagine how much worse it'll be once the baby arrives.

He is not going to change. All that will happen is that your household workload will increase and so will your need for increased family income.

He is a bad choice as a father and a partner if you want him to do 50% of the family responsibilities. That’s it really.

Time to send your man child packing, one new baby will be more than enough without an adult one too

How old are you by the way? I can see him being very silly because he can't go to out, spend hours playing games, sit and do nothing.

If you are going to be doing all the things you are doing now, looking after baby and your partner, life will probably be easier on your own.

Sometimes I find it easier when my partner isn't around because then I know I have to do everything as just get on with it and not get angry that I feel I am doing everything.

I hope it works out for you but you need to be clear now what you expect. As I said don't expect him to know he has to change nappies or be able to soothe the baby or take the baby out.

I spent the early years at home with my son, so I had the hard bits. I can (to a degree) understand why men just want to give the baby back when the can't stop them crying, it's because they don't know what to do or what works.

Remember. It is going to be like a grenade going off - and that is no lie.

And there is no magic formula for getting people to pull their weight in the house, if they won’t share the load after a reasonable discussion then it’s doubtful they ever will.
You can get a cleaner but it won’t change the fact that he’s not acting like a responsible adult.

I know it is more work for you but I would write a list of all the tasks he needs to do in detail (e.g. if you want the dishes done after dinner, say they need to be washed, dried and put away and all surfaces wiped down etc) and a list of what you will do and then check back that they are being done.

It's incredibly difficut to get someone to change, especially if they say they don't care about the mess, have lower standards than you. Thnk about what are the things you absolutely want done and other things you might be willing to let slip. You need to talk about it and come to some sort of arrangement because the resentment over it will build. It shows a lack of respect.

Have a read of these and share with him if you feel appropriate (and it won't make him dig his heels in deeper):

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

@SapatSea She's not his mother and she shouldn't have to micro manage him. We all have different standards and some things bother others more so the op may have to compromise.

Sharing the dishes, washing up and cooking are the basics. It just sounds like he has replaced his mum tidying up after him with her.

She needs to tell him straight. She's not his mum, he needs to pull his weight, there is a baby on the way and this is what I expect.

F!!#k me. I'm far from perfect and I know it's easy to sleepwalk into situations but geeeeze people take the piss

Stop doing things for him. Stop washing his clothes, stop cooking for him etc

Another day, another woman who has put up with this for too long already and is now up the duff and wondering what to do.

Yes, that's blunt. But MN is full to the brim of these tales and we need to ask ourselves why? Why do women consider it so essential to have a man in their lives, in their homes, in their bed, that they, time and again, put up with this?

Just get rid of him now, and don't replace him with version#2.

@CassianAndor Why is it? Women only technically have to give up 2 years of their lives, not even that to raise children. Do women put themselves in this position are they forced into it. Although things aren't hugely equal, things are changing. We don't live in the 50's anymore and women know this too, so why do so many let it happen. I am more than happy to look after the kids and house if my partner earns the bigger salary.

Maybe it's to do with aggression

I will be teaching my kids to never rely on a man or woman and be financially independent.

Women only technically have to give up 2 years of their lives, not even that to raise children.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHH!!!!!!!! What planet are you on?

OP, you could try relationship counseling but honestly he sounds like a manchild, so if you want to stick with him you'll have two children to raise, and one of them is going to be a bratty teenager and a general pain in the arse.

@aidelmaidel Why is that a laugh?

Technically if you breastfeed and take 9 months off that is it. I know so many people who go back to work after 9 months and share the child caring roles, school pickup e.t.c

I have been at home for 6 years sharing the work. My partner has just gone back to work and I am doing drop offs and pick ups, dinner, cleaning and I'm about to have 3 kids over for a play date.

Why can't this be the norm. So I ask a serious question, do women allow it or are the forced into it by men with outdated ideals?

Why is it a laugh to you?

Get him to take some parental leave. A couple of months of being the primary caregiver when you go back uni should help immensely. Otherwise the childcare will become 'your job' that he 'doesn't know how to do'.

You risk waking up in a year and realising that you're trying to juggle all the housework and all the childcare and a uni course while he just gets on with his job like he always as done.

It will be exactly like @LannieDuck has said. I’m sorry. You need to chuck him out and show him you are serious. He is extra work. You don’t need another child to look after. A baby is damn hard work and you don’t need him to make it harder.