Miserable on 10 year anniversary

[Batmam]

It's our 10 year wedding anniversary this weekend, but I feel like a complete fraud as we have nothing worth celebrating. Three young kids and my struggles with GAD have eroded our relationship and he can barely stand to be in the same room as me.

He is not mean or cruel, just indifferent. I love him so much but that doesn't mean I'll put up with him not loving me. We don't have sex any more. I've said why doesn't he just leave but he says he doesn't want that - I suspect he's only staying for the kids. When I bring up how unhappy our marriage is, he says it's because I constantly criticise him. But when I try to explain that my anxiety is sky high at the moment and panic attacks are ruling my life, he just acts like I'm making excuses.

I am on medication and go to counselling which has helped my anxiety enormously. But as my therapist points out, although my husband supports me financially and practically (he is a wonderful father and works very hard) he offers me no emotional support. I have found a couples counsellor I would like to try, just need to pluck up the courage.

I suppose I would like to know if anyone else has been in this position...and then managed to fix their marriage? I don't want to leave him, I just want him to love me again. He'll probably go through the pleasantries on the anniversary day, and I'm sure I'll get flowers and a nice card...but it'll just be lip service so I'm dreading it. I'm so scared that we are past the point of no return. Thanks for reading and letting me offload

Bumping for any advice as to what to write in his anniversary card

Sorry your going through this just put his name love u leave it at that it’s hard to be soppy and loving when your feeling this way. I think it is a man thing there great listeners when your first together then they switch off or just don’t hear what your saying.

Didn’t want to read and run. and so sorry things are so difficult. Nice meal and just what you have said in your post: you would like to work on things; you’d like to talk and to listen to how he feels too. Good luck.

He doesn't want to be in the same room as you, makes sure you know it, sexually rejects you and places all the blame at your door ... but refuses separation even when your mental health is breaking. Why the fuck would you buy him a card?

Here's your card - a divorce petition.

He's awful. Leave him and take back the remaning decades of good life left before you. They're yours to live, not his to waste.

Have you ever thought your husband might be making your anxiety worse? I understand it is hard being a partner to someone who is struggling but he doesn’t sound very nice.

But are you critical of him on a regular basis?

I live on the other side of that street and it is a very hard place to be, even though I know the background reasons why he is like that.

Relationship counselling brought us back from this point. Well done for getting help with your GAD - perhaps this is the next step. Be prepared to really hear what your DH has to say - he may not have the health issues you do but everyone needs support.

With my husband, when he is having a depressed period I try my best but probably do become your husband.

From the other point. I will be cleaning the whole house with the baby attached to me while he lies on the sofa complaining about the noise or if the baby goes to him, so I tell him to leave the room.

He will ask me for sex after I have had the baby all day and worked in the evening. He will have just been on the sofa so doesn't get that I'm tired and says he must repulse me.

I will try and tell him how he has gotten out of depressive periods in the past. Literally 4 things that fix him but he's too depressed to try them. I'm disabled and I shouted yesterday I sacrifice so many things I enjoy now as I know it means I can function at home (e.g. I never see friends anymore as I only have a certain amount of energy and need to use that to clean the house ect as he can't do anything due to depression), but he won't even try things I know will fix him.

I have had alot of mental health issues so know how horrendous they can be but as a partner you can love your wife/husband and still end up being a d**k to them as you are so worn down, he may be a horrible person and I'm way off, but it may be he keeps snapping as he's reached the end of what he can cope with.

Especially you saying you have three young kids, it is obviously hard for you but for your husband trying to look after 3 young children, keep a house and give you the attention you would like must be draining.

Anxiety is very hard for both the person suffering and the person they live with. It may be linked

What has he been like for the 10 years and what have you been like. You say he doesn't support you, maybe he has and he is emotionally drained???

I've supported my partner as best I can and sometimes I have felt emotionally drained and at times felt like we are just living and raising kids together.

Are you always there for him or has it been him always there for you?

When you said he feels criticised all the time you didn't seem to say that was untrue, you turned to your anxiety. Have you always been anxious. Your health problems can also have an effect on other people but you might be making it all about you.

I'm just trying to understand. I'm not saying it's all your fault, sometimes it takes two to tango.

I think it is irresponsible to jump on the LTB wagon after limited info. OP - you sound like you have had many problems recently. They will have affected your family and your husband too. It will have put pressure on everything. I have been there. What isn't helpful about mental health problems is the person you fell in love with literally disappears. If that happens for a very long time, it will obviously put a lot of pressure on the relationship. It also leads to a lot of guilt. He may very well wish to leave but feels you won't cope without him or with the kids etc. It could be because he does have a loyalty to you and does not wish to leave you high and dry even though his love may have changed.

You have talked only about the part your husband has played. Can you think about your own behaviour too? It can be very difficult to consider how our mental health problems affect the ones we love but it does. He could be an abusive arse, as some posters will leap on to tell you. Or he could be a man who is struggling too. Only you will be able to work out which he is.