Hello. I have created a new account to share this but I promise I am a genuine mumsnetter!
Unfortunately I have come to the conclusion that I can't go on with the relationship I am in and although it breaks my heart to think of how much I am going to hurt my partner by ending it, it is necessary for my mental health and for me to find happiness.
Some history: we've been together 8 years, no DC not married but have lived together 6 years or so. We are from quite different backgrounds and our families have never successfully mixed. We have never been a very sexually active couple nor have we been the sort to speak all that openly about issues of the heart. We are both early 30s. We had a lot of fun together when we were mid 20s but life changed as the years went on and sadness struck my life which has really affected how I think and who I am.
My reasons for wanting to split up are quite black and white, which looks callous written down so please be kind - my heart is really hurting. I've tried to avoid emotional language and give the facts:
- We have little to talk about - we can sit for an entire meal in silence at a restaurant because we don't seem to have genuine conversation anymore. When I'm with friends or colleagues or wider family it isn't like this which makes me think there is something lacking specifically about our connection
- There is zero passion or affection from either of us. We are talking once a year maximum in last 3 years.
- He is not motivated or ambitious in a general sense, which is the opposite to me and is starting to make me very frustrated as we are not able to build a future together when our values are so different. My career is so important to me and I find it invigorating, he can't wait for 5.30pm to hit every day
- His outlook is generally very negative. He thinks bad things always happen to him and I suspect he is depressed. He will not acknowledge this despite my attempts. Has a very old-school attitude towards mental health issues
- I carry the burden of a lot of things when it comes to the house, holidays, financially, driving (he doesn't) and generally organising his family on top of my own. He contributes more than a lot of partners I know effort wise but won't acknowledge the disparity between mine and his effort
- I lost a parent just over two years ago after a year long illness. It was heartbreaking and unbearable. Not once has he asked since the funeral how I feel about it. I have dealt with it on my own really and feel sad when I think that he hasn't asked. His family are terribly emotionally stunted and I do think this is a product of his upbringing rather than a chosen behaviour
- He doesn't make the effort with his appearance anymore (another sign of poor mental health) and it is hard for me to feel attracted to him. I've tried bringing this up and get comments about men being more casual (??)
- I am increasingly tired by the repetitive nature of our exchanges and I can't live the rest of my life with someone I feel this way about. I suspect that subconsciously I have been aware of this as we have not moved on to considering children or marriage yet and I have always felt quite negatively about marriage in particular.
I care deeply about him and wish him happiness but ultimately I feel as though we have grown apart over the last few years rather than grown closer. I'm not sure it's anybody's fault, it's just happened and I can't help but feel very unhappy and unsettled in this relationship. I don't think there is anything he could do to change how I feel. I totally acknowledge that I have changed since losing a parent and possibly this was the unofficial catalyst for this way of thinking
My question to you all is, how should I confront him with this in a very practical sense? I'm scared and don't know how to minimise the impact. Are there any things you would advise me to definitely say/not say? Has anybody been in this scenario who might like to share some wisdom?