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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

thread3598

4 replies

Shattered · 16/08/2002 07:13

Do any of you out there get fed up with the amount of time your dh/dp spends on work-related activities? I ask because my dh is currently holding down 2 different roles (one full-time, one part-time). He decided to take on this second role because it he felt it was a good career move, but the problem is that he has become so incredibly busy. When he is at home, he is always tired and needs to lie down quite regularly because he also suffers from tension headaches. He goes through a LOT of headache pills and is constantly having to fulfil different work commitments. This concerns me because I don't know how much longer he can keep up the pace, but it also affects our home life. We do get some benefits because of his job but lately I've been getting upset because I can't remember the last time we spent time together as a family. I get most of the responsibility of looking after ds and when my in-laws came to stay recently, it was me that spent all my time with them (driving them around, cooking, entertaining them) while he was hardly ever there. Basically, we struggle to have any quality time together and even when he takes time off work he gets bombarded with phone calls and sometimes gets called back into the office for some reason or another. We are now starting to clash about the situation & it's causing a few problems. Is there anyone else in this situation and if so, how do you deal with it? I heard recently that over-commitment to work is one of the main things that causes marriage problems, and I can fully understand this.

OP posts:
Rhubarb · 16/08/2002 15:24

What's more important to him, his work or his family? What use would his work be if his family life fell apart? You really should issue an ultimatum to him, you cannot go on living like this, it is unfair to you and your ds. He cannot be happy living like this himself.

You need to get him to make a commitment of some time with you and ds, no phones. You need to do some serious talking. Perhaps he feels that now he has agreed to this other role, he would be letting his work-colleagues down if he backed out. Perhaps he feels that he is working hard to create a better future for you all. You need to tell him just how much this is affecting you all, it is possible he doesn't realise this.

Honestly I would get tough and tell him in no uncertain terms that it must stop. Your son needs a father and you need a husband, at the moment you might as well be a single mother. Ask him if he knows where your ds is in terms of development, this might bring home to him how much he is missing. You cannot bring those moments back. Is his work truly worth sacrificing these precious bits of family life for?

I hope he can see sense. You've been very patient so far. Good luck.

SueW · 16/08/2002 15:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at OP's request.

Rhubarb · 19/08/2002 12:12

How are you Shattered?

Bozza · 19/08/2002 22:30

It does seem a shame Shattered because your children are only young once (sorry for the obvious cliche) and he must be missing out on so much. Your post doesn't suggest money is an issue so it seems fairly unnecessary and obviously is affecting his health although I guess he may be in denial about this and not recognise the link. Also as you say it is putting an unreasonable burden on you and affecting your marriage. Do your best to talk to him about it. Not sure of a strategy for doing this so not much help.

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