To be worried alcohol is the glue in my marriage

[katedan]

Been married 20 years, both always liked a drink but in the last 6 years the amount we drink is far too much. I want to cut down and even discussed with him last night that I am worried we are both alcoholics ( drinking 4 times a week and when we drink it is 3 bottles of wine between us) . However we have date nights which always lead to drink, long lunches etc. I am worried if we stop drinking ( which I think we have to consider for our health) we would have nothing in common and life would seem very dull. We egg each other on so no worse one than the other. We have recently worked hard to improve our sex life and sometimes it is 3 times a week which is nearly always the morning after the night before.

I am worried without alcohol we would have no fun and the time we spend together would seem duller

Had similar thoughts. But I know we both connect with or without alcohol. He is my beast friend and we still have fun without it. Unfortunately we both use it as a coping mechanism for other stuff and at the moment that is at play. How do you both relate without alcohol?

We get on OK but with alcohol we just have more fun. All dates lead to us drinking. There is always an excuse for a drink and both of us are all or nothing people so we can't/don't stop at 1.

Following with interest!

I don't have personal experience here, in fact I wish me and DH sometimes did have a drink together to make us more fun! But could you maybe have a set night/nights to drink each week and cut it down? So if you consistently drink four times a week, maybe agree three nights in the first instance and the other night arrange something to do where making alcohol feature would be difficult? So as it's summer and the days are longer, perhaps a long walk after dinner (planning the route so you don't end at a pub!) Driving somewhere to do it if you have to, thus preventing drink for one of you, and therefore easier for the other not to drink too? If you made it a long walk it would be late when you get home and you could go quickly to bed. Then perhaps increase that to two?

My in laws used to be big drinkers and came to a similar realisation. They are both retired and it was creeping in every day as all of a sudden every day was like a weekend. They cut it back to weekend nights only and took up with a running group which they love now and go several times a week. Planning routes etc. I know it wouldn't be everyone's cup of tea but perhaps you could find your equivalent and a balance along the way?

Can you start a sport together? Play tennis together one evening a week, something like that?

Or go for a walk, art gallery, do a class together?

I don't think this sort of thing sorts itself unless you actively replace the alcohol habit with another habit, hopefully a healthier one. I'd start with replacing one night a week with another, dry activity and see how that feels.