Moving On

[JamesG101]

Hi,

I’m a typical old school bloke who doesn’t like to discuss emotions. None of the blokes in my family really talk about that kind of thing. Hence, why it’s led me to write this post today. I promise I’ll keep it short and sweet, but here’s a little background info:

I lost my fiancé 5 years ago to cancer, was very rapid. After 3 months of being diagnosed she was gone. Totally and utterly devastating. However, 5 years has now elapsed and I thought I was ready to move on, I took the plunge into online dating. My god, what a murky pond! But doing so has led me to be consumed with guilt and grief. I want to move on, but every time I arrange a date, I feel as though what I’m doing is wrong.

Any help and advice?

James

It sounds like you haven't faced your grief yet. You need to do that or it'll come out in unexpected ways. You lost someone you love, have you never spoken about how you felt?

Not really, I'm always been a just 'get one with it' kind of person. Starting online dating kind of opened up the wound for me. I've always been very emotionally strong . Guess I'm not as strong as I thought.

Well I think you're on the right track by just acknowledging those emotions on here. Five years is quite a while (not that there is any limit to grief), but it might be worthwhile exploring those feelings of guilt with a counsellor.

Did you get any counselling after your loss? It really helps to sort through your experiences and emotions.

Not the same thing, but last year my long term husband left me unexpectedly and I have since also plunged into online dating.
It can definitely bring up emotions about the past that have very little to do with what is actually going on between you and a new date. In other words, it's easy to project and read into things that just aren't based on fact.
I've had nights sobbing where one thing my new boyfriend has said has set me off and it's not about him at all, but about the way my ex treated me and my feelings about that.

Having a counsellor can help you sort all this through. If you don't want to see a counsellor then perhaps try and find a friend to speak to more regularly.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to date again and even fall in love again and I'm sure your fiance would have wanted you to go on and be happy.

I hear that, I'm pretty much the same.

However there are some things we do need to deal with and it's nothing to do with how strong emotionally a person is, it's not a weakness.

Maybe looking into bereavement counselling might be a start, even if it's not the path you choose? It doesn't sound as if you're ready for online dating though. Sometimes it doesn't suit.

No, I didn't get any counselling. I think I'd be too embarrassed to see a councillor. I probably need to get over myself don't I? I always kind of put this rough and tough front on. Emotion just isn't something I'm that well trained in. I was sent of to boarding School at a fairly young age, dad was in the army, I followed his footsteps, went to Uni, Sandhurst then off to the regiment. Always tough to get on with it, worry about the people around you etc. Really don't know what's wrong with me lately, this isn't me at all. Friends are really good, but even I don't open up to them about emotional stuff. It's not really Gym or Golf course kind of chat. I often get there wives trying to set me up with their single friends. Awkward.

I'm glad to know it isn't just me that finds online dating hard! Dating is meant to be fun!

It's a real good release that I can talk about this one here. Thank you so much.

James

Well this sort of stuff tends to come out whether we like it or not. You can't ignore it forever. Some kids just don't fit that tightly permanently.

Do you ever talk about your fiancée, about your relationship and how it felt for you when she got ill? What kind of person she was? Maybe you could start there.

*lids not kids

I do, but mainly with her parents, they still try to look out for me a bit. But I wouldn't dream of telling them that I wanted to move on and find someone new. I seem to be a bit up and down with it all.

I'm a bit put off by counselling, I've got this fear in my head that work would find out about it and it could have a negative effect on my position? Is that Stupid?

Sweetheart, see a counsellor. I don't think working on it yourself has worked so far and you owe it to yourself to be happy.