DH having a mid-life crisis.....

[TiredWife]

I don;t post often - mostly lurk - but I DO need some help I think.

Last night was woken up about 3 am by DH tossing & turning in bed. He then said he's go and sleep elsewhere as he was keeping me awake - went downstairs, then came back about 30 mins later, put his arms around me and started sobbing his little heart out.

He said he feels really lonely and is beginning to panic about getting old, not doing anything with his life etc etc.
(His birthday is in a few weeks time and he will be 43.)

Things seem to have been difficult for us in the last few years - two DDs, 5 and 2, elderly parents, one bereavement, both working full time. Relationship taken a hit (no sex for ages - too knackered, also I always feel he is too wrapped up in his business).
I feel like I'm just constantly trying to keep my head above water, keep us fed, clothed and out to work & school on time.....

But it really shocked me to see him like this - not like him at all. I really feel he is having some sort of mid-life crisis. He is also worrying about getting old/ losing his health (which is fine at the moment, although he should exercise more).

I want to help him, but also feel I have the same issues on my plate too - what can we do?
He says he wants to 'get back to the good old days' and by that he means pre-children, when we had time to spend together and stay in bed, go out for meals etc etc. But this just isn't realistic. We do have evenings out, but no one can look after the girls for us, so we are never away overnight without them - so not for over 5 years now!

Don't know how I can help him - anyone else's DH been through similar?

Sympathies, Tiredwife - but can I say that what stuck me reading your post was the tenderness between you? that he went out so as not to disturb you, that he is turning to you, openly and vulnerably, with his heart, and that you are sensitive and sympathetic to his need, even though you have both had such a tough time.

You are helping, by listening and understanding. I don't know what practical things to suggest - but DP and I have found that the tiniest thing - lunch out, during the day, on our own, can make a big difference.

Ah, tiredwife it sounds very similar to DH.
The pressure of being responsible has been very heavy on him.
Do you think that your DH is feeling inadequate and isolated.
I feel that us woman have to do so much, look after the kids, earn money, keep things going and that men can sometimes feel that if they weren't there, it wouldn't really matter.
DH constantly goes on about not feeling wanted, and worried that he is going to die soon.
I get resentful because I am so busy and stressed and it seems that I have made the most lifechanges and he shouldn't be the one complaining about being tired, or wishing we were still childless.

I am sorry I can't offer any useful advise - I am sure that by the time I have finished typing this, lots of people will have said it all.
Just wanted to let you know I am here...

Hello

Sorry to hear this... life can be shi**y sometimes.

I think everyone hits rocks like this and the main thing to do is to not ignore them. It great that he did release some of his fears and cry to you. Blokes can be crap at this!

Its understandable really why he feels like this. The two of you need to spend time just enjoying each others company. Easier said then done. The two of you working full time and two children to look after and now you feel like you have a third dependent - your husband. Its a big weight to carry.

I think the best thing you can do is sit down and work out where all your time goes. Get the calender and tick off in the next four weeks four times - 2 evenings or days that you and
your husband will spend alone and 2 days that you will spend as a family. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in getting through the day that we forgetthe whole reason why we do it and how to enjoy it. Your husband just needs to be reminded that life is great with you and your two children, they are ay a lovely age and we all know grow so quick. Enjoy them while you can.

Can you get someone to come to your house and look after them so you and your husband could go out for a few hours - meal or maybe just a walk to spend time talking to each other you could even end up in a pub for a little drink beforfe heading home. Or maybe do an activity together. I know the weather has changed but my partner and dd just got back from camping in dorset, we stayed in beautiful capsite with showers etc and we spent lovely days on a sandy beach and hiked for two hours across an amazing coastline, we spent just £100 in three days food/drink/campsite charges inc.

We have times where we feel like this but when we do you need to do something - anything about it.

If you think this problem is deeper you should get your dh to speak to your gp.

I hope this passes for you.

if you both work full time am i right in guessing that your DD's both attend nursery. why not do what me and my Dh did a couple of months ago. We both took the day of work drop DD to nursery and hada day just being us. Long wlak pub lunch afternoon nap . then picked her up at normal time. It was fanstatic, just like our pre-baby days

katzguk - that is a great idea - a whole together!

nobody spends enough time alone with their partners, we have only managed a handful of times totally alone and when we did it was lovely. its so easy to just get on with things.

do you think its possible that you could organise time together and it should not just be you doing this, involve him too - its not just your problem.

I thought the same as blu when I read your post - your relationship sounds strong and loving. Many men would not feel able to come to you and cry like that. If you possibly can, make some time to spend with each other as others have suggested - it really does make all the difference.

that was supposed say a whole day together!

tiredwife - you there?

Your poor dh. Thank goodness he turned to you for support. So many men feel like this and have affairs or start looking at porn or internet stuff. It sounds as if he is definitely going through a crisis. As a starting point, I would encourage him to go to the doctor. Doctors see every day people who are having breakdowns because they didn't seek help earlier. If anything like my doc they would be only too glad to help.

I know you're tired but it really is worth investing some time in your dh. Getting to bed really early a couple of nights a week whether or not it leads to sex is great for your relationship. You talk and cuddle and keep your intimacy. And get extra sleep too! None of us married our husbands not to cuddle them and make love to them, did we? He can't have the 'good old days' back, but there is room for a different kind of happy life now.

My dh almost suffered a breakdown recently, he was displaying the same kind of symptoms as yours, sleeplessness, fear of growing old, etc. The doctor signed him off work for a few weeks in the summer, his firm then had to take notice and they changed his role to make it less stressful. He also started going to see a psychiatrist which has been enormously helpful to him. A few months down the line he is much happier and more relaxed.

Gosh - thanks - lots of good advice here....

I think there IS a lot of tenderness between us, but sometimes it now seems the 'romance' has gone. Also our 'roles' have changed in recent years - he used to be office based in a largish company, but now runs his own business from home, which I know must be isolated. I still work in an office and, as a result, have soemthing of a social life around that. DH has never has large groups of friends - tends to rely more on the social thinkgs I organise with other families/ friends of kids. But I do feel a bit resentful sometimes - I shouldn't have to look after him as well!

I know he feels some of the things people have mentioned - he has talked about not being'sure what his role is' anymore - he isn't the main breadwinner, or the 'social secretary', nor is he the parent the kids currently cry out for in the first instance.

I doubt he'd go to the GP or a pyschiatrist, he's very stubborn. And in some ways he's his own worst enemy - because he has his own business, technically he can take off whatever time he wants, but he won't, since he's still in the early years.

Gosh - thanks - lots of good advice here....

I think there IS a lot of tenderness between us, but sometimes it now seems the 'romance' has gone. Also our 'roles' have changed in recent years - he used to be office based in a largish company, but now runs his own business from home, which I know must be isolated. I still work in an office and, as a result, have soemthing of a social life around that. DH has never has large groups of friends - tends to rely more on the social thinkgs I organise with other families/ friends of kids. But I do feel a bit resentful sometimes - I shouldn't have to look after him as well!

I know he feels some of the things people have mentioned - he has talked about not being'sure what his role is' anymore - he isn't the main breadwinner, or the 'social secretary', nor is he the parent the kids currently cry out for in the first instance.

I doubt he'd go to the GP or a pyschiatrist, he's very stubborn. And in some ways he's his own worst enemy - because he has his own business, technically he can take off whatever time he wants, but he won't, since he's still in the early years.

He may not need a psychiatrist - my dh did but not everyone is the same. Perhaps he would take a bit of time off if it meant he could get a little taste of 'the good old days' back?

You and he need to have a really good talk about the quality of your everyday life and what you could do to improve it. My dh is a worrier and was putting away so much money for our retirement that we were scrimping and saving now to pay for it, and there was no need! He has learnt now that today is even more important than tomorrow. After all, we do not know if we will live to retirement age but we do know we are here now! Whilst I totally support him in making good provision for our retirement, he was so obsessed with the future that he was sacrificing today to pay for it. He has now started to release money for going out to dinner, buying new furniture, etc, within reason as it makes our quality of life now so much better.

Open a bottle of wine and sit down with him, TV off (monsters, they are, for destroying intimacy), and start plotting and scheming. There is nothing like a bit of plotting and scheming with your dh to get your intimacy back really fast!

Tired Wife. Listen to Anorak!! She is always right and certainly is in this instance. Intimacy is a very fine thread and without even realising it you can look back and see that it's broken. The girls are still young so they must go to bed at a reasonable hour. That is YOUR time as a couple and I LOVE the plotting and scheming. I used to love to make plans with my DH-it really makes you feel like a little unbreakable unit. Also time during the day can be precious. I have said on my thread-one of my favourite things to do was meet in town (at our "usual" place) and go for lunch or shopping. It almost feels naughty because the girls are in nursery/school and everyone else is at work. A bit like playing hookey but very special I found. Just little things to get your best friend back.He needs to see that he's not on a fast track to a zimmer frame and that life is still good-43 or not! Good luck honey. And well done for having such a close relationship that he felt he could open up to you. Not everyone has...

Jesus. Just realised giving advice on marraige and mid life crisis men. Don't read my thread Tired Wife. I have a happy successful marraige with a happy successful man.....

Last two Sundays we've dropped ds off at my mum's house and gone and had lunch together. I do recommend it.

I think I probably went through what your dh is going through. I ended up phoning my DH who came home from work and just held me as I sobbed my little heart out. For me it was not regrets, or worry abot ill health, it was just that life got too full and too much!! Best thing he did was listen and didn't say anything about how stressed/tired etc he was. We went for a long walk by the river, had chips for lunch and both picked up the kids from school!

I think support is all about listening and not necessarily offering a solution there and then.... he must know you are tired and busy too, but I wouldn't mention it until he's a bit stronger....

Good luck and HTH

How true beachyhead. Being heard is a basic human need.

Occasionally, when dd is at school, dh and I go to the cinema in a nearby town for an "earlybird" showing - the film is on at about 11 am and costs half-price! We go to see the films we can't take dd to. You don't need to get a babysitter. Afterwards we have lunch together and its just as good as an evening out (except better because the cinema is practically empty except for a few OAPS). I have also been to the cinema at this time on my own as well.

Hello - me again...
Well, I thought we were getting over this - we did some of the things suggested, had some good chats etc etc and things seemed to be back on an even keel, and then in the last few days it's all gone wrong again....

It now all seems to be manifesting itself as anger between us now... I think we both feel really trapped, and although I want to be supportive part of me also feels that there's a limit to how much else I have to 'give' IYKWIM?
Every day I feel I am 'giving' myself - to work, to kids school, to the kids, to my family (my Dad is on his own since Mum died last year), and then to DH. It feels as if DH relies on me to be everything - his friend/ wife/ soulmate/ social partner/ shoulder to cry on/ business advisor/ soundign board - you name it, I'm it. He really doesn't have any other friends/ 'mates' he talks to/ does stuff with.
Last year when my Mum died I was really low for a while, and he didn't seem to know how to support me through it, so I ended up finding support through friends etc. Since then I've managed to get my social life together and 'get things back in perspective'. While I'm not ecstatically happy, as such, I feel I manage to potter on and put a brave face on things.
DH now seems really angry (jealous?) that I have coped without him - and he's started to be snide about when I occasionnally go out for drinsk /meals etc with folk from work. I feel I just can't win! In an ideal world, I wouldn't work at all, but since he isn't making any money I don't have a choice... he has put me in this situation, and now he's having a go at me for it?
I want to be supportive, but it has to work both ways? I'm afriad I'm beginning to think "FFS - I'm not your Mother - you need to make some effort yourself to sort these things out (like his social life), I already have three people's lives to manage... Mine + 2 dds...
Oviously I can't say that though!

Sorry, am rambling...but I'm just so sick of being the one to 'sort everything out'

You are being very patient, it must be maddening for you to try and be supportive of someone who is unwilling to help himself and furthermore is resentful towards you for managing better than he does! He must be feeling really inadequate at the moment - because he's not coping very well, because he's not supporting his family - I'm sure this resentment is a defensive reaction on his part. Is there any way of getting him to see a counsellor for some help?

I think there have been very good ideas suggested here. I understand that you are tired, you are doing a lot. Is there any possibility that your DH go back to work in a company where he can be surrounded by people?. Working from home is really isolating, and surely is making socialising more difficult for him. I have realised that our marriage is much better when we both are working away from home, as we have different experiences, interesting stories and friends who end up reflecting in our relationship. If one of us is working mainly from home it relies excesively on the other. Hope it helps.

Hello tiredwife, I'm sorry to hear that things are still difficult for you. If I were you I would try relate. They don't only exist to mend marriages that are breaking, they are there to help good marriages become better as well. It gives you a forum to discuss where things are not going to deteriorate into an argument, and where someone with training can ask the right questions to help you explain your feelings to one another.

if he has no social life i can see easily how he will be jealous of you. my husband and i had the very same argument when we moved 300 miles from friends and family. he went playing darts on a friday night whilst i sat home feeling sorry for myself. this caused loads of rows until he said quite bluntly " its not my fault you have no social life - so something about it" so i did. the bluntness blew me away.

when we have the money not only does he go playing darts on a friday but we go t the local and play pool together. at least i get to go out after working all week there is nothing worse. then every few months i travel to see my mates in oldham, and twice a years ish go to a mnet meetup.

although your dh doesnt have the last two options ( prolly) you could suggest that you go out together - if your not the kind of couple to chat all night - go bowling - let him get a bit drunk - you drive. that kind of thing.