My boyfriend lied to me and I'm worried we can't overcome this?

[Feelinglost95]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting on mumsnet but I'm feeling really lost & alone so hoping you can help. We've been together 4 years and he's 38.

Me and my partner of 4 years had a little row about 2 weeks ago about his lack of excitement for things and the discussion ended in him telling me he has depression. For the first year we were together (and around a year before that) he was on anti-depressants and didn't tell me, and has been struggling for the last 3 years without the pills. He said he doesn't feel extremely low or anything but just feels like he's lost his umph and doesn't feel many emotions like happiness or sadness.

I wasn't annoyed that he didn't tell me, but just feel a little bit like I don't know him as well as I thought. I didn't react as I should have done as I've had an ex-partner who tried to kill himself due to depression so to be honest for a few days I felt like my world was falling apart and couldn't stop crying.

But I put on my grown-up pants and make it clear I will support him, we will get through this together and come out the other side stronger and happier.

Then last night I was curious what dosage of anti-depressants he was planning on taking, so looked through his bathroom draws. Quite innocently really, until it was innocent anymore and I was snooping. I found around 4 packets of Viagra, prescribed whilst we were together and some had been taken (around 6 pills but not sure exactly). I couldn't pretend I hadn't seen so I told him I found them and he said he got them 5 years ago when he was with his ex-girlfriend and first went on the anti-depressants as he was worried they'd affect him.
I told him I saw the date on them so I knew he was lying, and he shut down entirely. Told me he didn't think he could be with me anymore and felt too vulnerable and needed to deal with the depression by himself.

I let him sleep on it and this morning we were in agreement that we want to work on this together, but he told me he doesn't want to feel like he's my patient.

I don't know how to get over the fact he's kept things from me, I feel like I've never really known him at all and I wonder what else he's lied to me about... He's asked me not to talk to my friends or family about the problems as they are personal and private to him but I usually like to speak to people,

He is my whole life, I plan to marry him and now I feel like I can't see a light at the end of the tunnel - does anyone have any advice?

Hi
I totally understand that you're hurt by the lies and especially with an ex who took his own life.
I've had mental health probs in the past and although my OH knows about them, he doesn't know the extent. I find it too difficult to talk about. Not telling my OH isn't because I deliberately wanted to keep him in the dark or because i don't trust him or anything, it's just because I can;t talk about it. Also, like your partner said, I don't want to feel like his patient. I feel like if he knew everything, he'd probably treat me differently and I dont want that.
Sorry, I'm not sure if this has been any help at all!

@Forester85, it does help as it's good to hear an opinion from a different perspective - thankyou

How old are you OP?

You've been with him four years and your post suggests you don't live together, he's 38 and keeps secrets. I also dislike how when he was caught lying he then dumped you rather than face up to his lie.

It comes across as he was ashamed of his depression. Anti depressants may have affected his performance therefore requiring the viagra. I don't think he kept it from you out of spite or anything but because of the stigma that surrounds mental health. I can see where you both are coming from. Not everyone can share their feelings such as depression etc. It must have been a burden on him to keep it to himself. I think you should talk about how his lies affected you and your relationship. If he's generally a good guy, l would try and work it out given that his health is something that some choose not to share. Try and understand it from his point of view too. I appreciate that he has hurt your feelings though and can understand why you are upset. How would you have reacted if he told you initially? Would you have been supportive or judgemental?
I hope you can work it out.

There are separate issues going on here.

1. His depression. He need to go and see his GP and he needs to be honest with you about his medication if he wants your support. It works both ways.

1. The viagra: why does he have it? Has he suffered from erectile dysfunction before? Why did he lie to you about it? Is he embarrassed or is there something potentially more dodgy going on?

The whole 'don't tell anyone, don't tell your family' bit would worry me. While he is entitled to his privacy, you are entitled to support from your friends and family. Of course, you don't have to tell them about the viagra, that is private, but it might help him to not have to hide his mental health issues. Otherwise I'd worry that it's all on your shoulders.

I would tread very carefully in terms of how he acts in the next few months before even thinking more long-term or marriage.

Is the lie here that he has been taking viagra and hadn't told you (lie by omission)? I'm not sure why you should consider this such a deal breaker.

No I think the lie here is that when confronted he said he bought it with an old girlfriend when the dates on the packet clearly state otherwise.

I don't think there is much wrong with using viagra, so again I don't see the reason to lie but everyone is different.

His illness is kept secret and it's a big thing for OP to have to deal with and without support. I don't think this relationship is in a good place. They seem to have so many obstacles to their communication and things to unpack.

Bless him. He was probably very embarrassed. He needs time, patience and understanding. However, the lack of openness is worrying.

The snooping and him not feel able to tell you he takes viagra with you suggests you don't trust each other

He shouldn't have lied but I feel a lot of sympathy and empathy with him. I'm on ADs myself after muddling through by myself for quite a long time.

He sounds very ashamed of his illness and his dishonesty all stems from that. I think the way he has been feeling, it was difficult for him to gain proper perspective. You could have told him until you were blue in the face it was nothing to be ashamed of, but while he was still depressed he would never have believed you.

Maybe one reason he hadnvt told you is because he knew of your experience with your ex and was worried how you'd react? Or maybe he thought he'd be letting you down.

I think low level depression can be discerning. He felt better than he had felt before but has still been ill. He might not have even realised for a while that he was in fact still depressed and might have just hoped it would get better on its own.

Both depression and ADs can kill your libido so I can see why in a new relationship he might have wanted viagra. If they are a few years old and he's only used 6, he hasn't done it regularly.

Only you know if his lying is a result of him being too proud and hung up about his issues and forgivable or because there are fundamental problems in your relationship and he is not an honest person. Time will tell but I think it sounds like the former.

I think him not wanting you to tell anyone just shows how much shame he is feeling and is a result of his depression making him selfish in not realising these revelations are no picnic for you either. But surely you can confide in one trusted friend or family member? You dont need to speak to 'family and friends' plural. Make it a condition of you working things out that you get support also outside the relationship but assure him his problems wont be common knowledge.

I've had some time to think about this, and I've decided that I'm really not angry at him. I feel like my response wasn't great and I'm going to make it clear to him that I am here for him & am not going anywhere. I don't think he did it in a sneaky or malicious way at all I think it's just tricky for a man in today's society to admit to his vulnerabilities.

I just wondered now if anyone has any advice or personal experiences of dealing with a partner who has depression?

I don't yet know how often he uses the viagra, but if he needs it every time to have sex how do I show him I am OK with it and make sure he doesn't feel embarrassed?

I'm aware viagra isn't anything to be ashamed about but how do I stop feeling insecure that he needs to use it with me?

@poglets I am 29 and we have lived together for 2 and a half years BTW

He depression and is now going through a low patch. That is really his business to share or not. The actions of your ex are not something he has to account for. But explain you love him and want to support him. For that you need to understand things.

The best way to support someone with depression is to relieve them of the pressures they can’t cope with. Google will provide some guidance on how to change your interactions to be less pressurised. Basically you need to validate the person a lot and remind them they are a better person. Any form of criticism will be amplified by them. Avoid questions or anything that forces a decision. If they aren’t interested in something dont push it. If they avoid a question just leave it.

Not to put to fine a point on it, you will find it really hard and dispiriting.

He must have been ok with the need to use viagra until the drama. Clearly there was some sensitivity about it because he wanted to keep it quiet. Apologise and explain that you support his decision and are glad he thought about you and your needs. Nb I know he might just have been thinking of himself but it is the best way I can think of for them to reconnect over the issue.