Just that really, I constantly feel disappointed like should have done or be doing more?
I have a dp of 17 years who i'm considering leaving but dither on it daily. he has his own health problems and due to us both loosing family members I feel we've grown apart and having tried to get back to the old us I just dont have the inclination to do it anymore. I also feel he is the cause of my anxiety on some levels as he suffers himself from depression and anxiety but refuses to take medication, so I suffer in silence when he's at his worst. since the death of his father his family barely bother with him, so I feel pressure that if I left how would he react.
I always imagined wed have our own house and fill it with at least 3 children - we have the house together and 1 child. I suffered 7 mc's and was told id probably never carry a baby again. This in itself has killed me dead. but add to it a partner who barely cares about it and seems happy with our lot. I don't know how to get over this. I lost my grandmother and stepdad in the past 3 years too and I know i'm still grieving for them, as well as the other children could have had by now. If I hear of someone close to me being pregnant I dont handle it very well at all.
I thought i'd have a good career by now too and instead find myself running my own business which only brings in part time money. I love my son with all my heart and he keeps me grounded in some ways - in other ways I desperately wish I could run away to a new place and start all over again with just me and my son. Then I worry what would that do to him.
I have this ideal image in my head of how my life should have turned out and it's not gone that way at all. We have no friends to go do things with, I have mine and he has his but we have no couple friends to go out as a foursome with. I guess I just feel my life is worthless right now and I cant see a way out.