Self sabotage - why am I doing this?

[Shelby121]

Hi, just looking for some insight as I'm tying myself in knots. I'm seeing someone as a FWB type thing, he has ADHD, depression. We were friends, then this moved to intimacy and sex. However I keep pushing him away even though I enjoy what we have. He is quite devoted to me, extremely patient, I feel like he wants more from me. I have come out of an abusive relationship and this is probably my first real experience of intimacy. There is no future there, but he says we offer each other an escape from our normal lives. But part of me thinks this whole casual thing is weird as I've never had a FWB thing before, the other part keeps coming back as I crave it. I then keep overthinking, telling him we are done with the physical stuff, and trying to push him away. Then I feel really guilty as he is a very kind and decent person and I know I'm hurting him. Why am I being like this?

Perhaps sort out your issues which stem from your experience of abuse BEFORE you get involved in an intimate way with anyone else.

Chances are you are letting emotions from that experience make decisions.

Sort your stuff out, otherwise things can get messy, and people get hurt ( you included!)

@Figure8 I think that's a good insight. I have told him let's stop the intimacy stuff, maybe even not see each other in person for a while because of this. He sees it differently, simply saying let's see how it goes.

Just because he wants to see how things go, it doesn't mean that is what is best for you, or that you have to go along with it.
Perhaps explain that you need to catch your breath after your last experience, and spend some time looking after yourself.

Definitely take a break. Doesn’t have to be forever. Try to get some therapy for the abuse you experienced and how it has affected your self esteem.

He may well be a lovely man, but men do think more with their dicks!

Take some time getting strong and healthy and then reassess.

** Great advice on this thread already, I agree absolutely that a break to look after yourself and get clear about what you really want and need would be helpful.

let's see how it goes.

Sounds as if he may just be keen to retain the 'benefits' while training you to not expect him to make any effort.

Look after yourself as your first priority.

Just because he is a ‘kind’ and ‘gentle man’ (debatable) doesn’t mean you have to have sex with him if you don’t want to.

You already know you want to pull back from the physical. Just because that is. It what he wants is irrelevant.

YOU don’t want to so you stop. While you can be nice about telling him you don’t want to do it again, you don’t have to keep going just because he wants to.

Get some therapy. Process what happened to you and come out in a better place.

It seems like staying with him won’t help with that so move on.

Not what he wants

You say “ part of me thinks this whole casual thing is weird as I've never had a FWB thing before, the other part keeps coming back as I crave it”.

So this isn’t working for you right now. Just tell him that you want to keep the friendship but stop the sex and intimacy . You will soon see how genuine the friendship is, how devoted he is to you and what a kind and decent person he is.

You are NOT self sabotaging BTW. You are a smart woman who wants to do what’s best for her.

So get yourself off to counselling, as Pp have suggested. Go on making yourself the priority in your life.

Agree with PP - give yourself time.

To add... Some people are not able to do a 'no strings attached' FWB arrangement, regardless of past abusive relationships.

I know I can't. Ive tried it in the past and I can't do a physical relationship without getting emotionally involved, no matter how easy going and fun it sounds. And there's nothing wrong with that.

If it's making you you react like this, it's not right for you for whatever reason. End it before you get more hurt.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I feel a bit like if someone gets too close to me, i run away. I believe he is being ok with the friends with benefits scenario because he eventually wants more of a relationship with me. There definitely isnt a future due to lots of issues.
For me, I enjoy his company, we laugh and feel comfortable as friends, and the sex has been a great learning experience as I'd never really had anyone patient and caring with me before. However I feel guilty after because I feel like I'm using him to work out what I like whereas he has had depression so he sees me as his great chance of happiness. Im a bit all over the place really.