Am I being a mug?

[acupofteawouldbegreatthanks]

Hi all,
I've name changed for this, but only because i'm so embarrassed and mortified for anyone to find out.
I've been living overseas with my husband for the last 10 years in 3 different countries. I have 2 smallish children. We recently moved to Thailand (more for my job then his, he can work anywhere)

We've had a few ups and downs in our marriage and a couple of years ago I discovered he had quite a collection of pornographic photos (over 14,000) taken from the internet that he regularly masturbates to. This was quite hurtful to me at the time as my self esteem was at a real low, I'd put on a lot of weight since having children and was really struggling to lose it. I'm about a 18 now, but i've never been very slim, he met me when I was probably a 14. We sort of dealt with it and moved on, I didn't ask him to stop, but I told him how it made me feel. I know that he hasn't stopped but I'd kind of made my peace with it (Sort of!)
Now to last week....
I went to visit a friend for the weekend with my children and my husband stayed at home.
A couple of days after I got back I was having trouble with my computer and needed to use his, no problem with this...we often use each others. I opened an internet browser and he had left some tabs open showing very clearly that he had been googling 'strip clubs in ...where we live'
I was in shock and asked him what was going on. He has totally denied that he actually went, and that he swears he was just curious. We've only been here 6 months and he hasn't been out at all without me (no friends yet here really!) This was the first weekend he has had on his own here and I would have no idea if he had gone out or not.

It bought up a whole conversation about the fact that he has a higher sex drive then me and that my weight is becoming a problem. Our sex life is quite sporadic, mainly tiredness from 2 small children that never bloody slept, and my own insecurities and lack of confidence. (just as a note, he's put on weight too, not as much as me, but he's definitely not an adonis!)

My question is, am I a total mug for believing him? I think I do believe that he didn't go, but is that just fear of my marriage falling apart? I'm contracted here for another 18months at least, I have no idea how i'd deal with the breakdown of my life as I know it.

I don't know how to feel/what to do!

Does he know that you disapprove of strip clubs enough that it would risk your marriage if he went?
Personally I would let it go this time but make my feelings about them very clear.

I would also suggest that we both embarked on making changes to our lifestyle to get healthier - as you start to feel better in yourself you will feel less insecure and a lot sexier! (I felt better before any results were visible even, exercise and a good diet and just as good for your mind as your body)

He probably did go,but that does not mean that your relationship is doomed or that you are a mug.Think of all the thousands of men that visit strip clubs every year,do you think they are all single?Men are visual,they like to look and fantasise (not just your man,my man and every man).His use of porn has NOTHING to do with you,even if you were a perfect size,had lots of sexual confidence etc he'd still be looking and fantasising about other woman. He's not thinking about these other women when he's home with you,making love to you.Porn/strip clubs are just a quick easy thrill that are enjoyed at the moment and then forgotten about.You are the woman he loves,you are the woman he has built a relationship with. Don't feel insecure,there is no need to be!

You have two kids, a demanding career, you're in a new country and upset by your weight.. your partner's behaviour is the cherry on the cake. It could be that he was just using this as a form of escapism, but now you've shown how upset you are, he has to stop and be fully present and focused on you or you will lose interest in him.

Not sure what to advise - you can't control him - he must control himself... so I think you might find it empowering to target your own well-being and get back in shape. It's easier said than done, but taking small steps towards eating healthily, exercising will give you a boost and clear your mind.

Would also suggest you see a reliable doctor and get tested for STDs.

Thanks all, thats all been very useful... its good to get a different perspective on it. I'm too embarrassed to talk about it in real life with my friends.

I lived in Thailand pre husband/pre kids and loved it, but have always hated the sex tourism side of the country. More because of the way the women are treated and how awful some of the men are about it.

I've always disapproved and my husband was very aware of this before we moved here, it was actually the biggest obstacle to accepting the job here. I'd witnessed more then one relationship being destroyed by it. We talked about it a huge amount and I made very clear that it would be a deal breaker for me. I think thats why my mind is so all over the place as I was so convinced it would be a deal breaker that i'm struggling with my own feelings.

We do both need to sort out our health, we are very healthy as a family. Lots of healthy meals, loads of bike rides/swimming/climbing etc... but its been hard undoing a few years of bad habits.

Justtickingboxes - you're right. Its been such an overwhelming few months and it has just tipped me over the edge. At the moment i'm struggling to not burst into tears everytime I see him. Its really quite pathetic and I know I need to get myself sorted out. The kids adore him and he's a brilliant dad, I can't rip my family apart over this and need to figure out how I can move on.

Joelar - I think that is what worries me! He probably did go...but if he did then he is outright lying to me. I also worry here in Thailand that strip clubs are often/always more then just 'watching' I'm all over the place!!

AuntMarch - You're so right - I know I need to sort myself out for myself as well as him!

GeorgiaGirl52 I have an appointment booked at the weekend. I guess that would tell me for sure.
He swears he didn't and I want so much to believe him I really do.

I would not stay ten minutes with someone who thought that strip clubs were ok. More so in Thailand, where they are unregulated and crammed with underage girls offering sex.

So the first time you go away for a weekend, he's thought about going to a strip club and we all know about the sex tourism there so a strip club isn't just a "strip club".

I'd be furious. He couldn't actually do something productive around the house or do some extra work? No, he was thinking about his dick and hookers.

Glad you're getting an STD test.

He may not be an Adonis but plenty of those desperate girls see him as a meal ticket and wouldn't hesitant to attempt to snare him.

With regard to getting yourself tested, if it was just this past weekend you are worried about, doesn't sti 's have an incubation period ?

Heptapod - I agree, I always thought it was my absolute dealbreaker. Its the not knowing for sure, or wanting to believe him so damn much that its blurring my lines.
RantyAnty - I am furious, absolutely incandescent with rage. I can barely look at him and he is doing everything he can to reassure me, I just don't know how I feel beyond that. Can I see myself forgiving him? Can I actually ever trust him again? I just don't know what to think about it all, I really don't, i'm so confused.
VictoriaBun - It was 2 weekends ago, so will have been 3 weeks? I'll check on that though so thank you. (not something I thought i'd ever have to check)