Does infidelity ever become emotional abuse

[2018anewstart]

Just wondered what people's views are on this matter. I am slowly moving on after discovering my STBXH had a long term affair. (4 years) too long a story to tell here but I had my suspicions and when I asked him typical responses were " you're crazy" "you're making me ill with all these accusations". He also had a Jekyll and Hyde personality where he could be lovely one minute then quite nasty the next. I turned into an emotional wreck and thought I was cracking up but every one of my suspicions turned out to be true. I am doing ok however sometimes I think back to how he treated me and can't believe this is viewed by society as normal behaviour as affairs are generally tolerated. I believe that a long term affair where lying takes place is a form of emotional abuse. Does an one agree? As a side point I would like a way to put this behind me once and for all and 90% of the time i am ok but I still have moments where I'm angry/sad/lost. Any advice and views on this matter would be really useful.

My DC asked my exH, their dad, if he would be arrested when we found out about his affair. I understood what they meant as essentially he had broken his vows and committed bad behaviour, but it is not actually a criminal offence. I don't know why it is accepted in society as a subject that can be spoken about in a matter-of-fact way. It did allow me a quick divorce so that was a plus.

I was more angry and upset that I didn't know straight away and had been cheated out of my chance to walk away than I was about losing the rubbish relationship!

It just takes time to get over it!

I think it is. My Ex had one affair after another, ( this was over 30 years ago- I am now settled with a wonderful DP) and the hurt I suffered as a result seriously damaged my self esteem and confidence. It was so good when the divorce came through and I began to be independent of him, bring up my DC in my own way and not to have to rely on him for my emotional well-being. With no disrespect to widows, I think in some ways, infidelity is worse than widowhood, in that, usually a widow knows her love was reciprocated, but in a divorce, you feel rejected and "not good enough".

Something similar happened to me, although not over such an extended period of time as four years . I'm sorry, it's so crap

I also felt like i was losing mind and couldn't make sense of what was real Vs just in my head with all the lies. He let me think I was mad and paranoid in order to not come clean and my mental health was on the floor as a result.

However, I personally don't think it's quite the same as emotional abuse (might have said otherwise if you'd asked me in the midst of it though!).

Whilst some of the effects are perhaps similar to emotional abuse, I don't think the motivation of the cheater is the same and that does make a difference. It's more that you become collateral damage in the selfish world they've wrapped around themself. They are often blind to the level of hurt it is inflicting, or choose not to see while they layer up the lies to cover their tracks. A 'normal' emotional abuser actually sets out to make you a victim, to manipulate, to twist, to send you over the edge with no real gain for himself or particular reason other than to be nasty and in control. It's evil compared to selfishness I think.

Years down the line I can make peace with the cheating and lies in a way that I really couldn't if his main objective had been to hurt me.

For many, the cheating is about getting one over "that bitch of a wife". The emotional abuse is very much part of the cheating and for many emotional abusers, cheating will be very much part of the emotional abuse. It's all part of the sick character traits of winning at all costs and punishing enemies (spoiler alert - that's you).

I think the affair itself isn't but all the gaslighting, lying and sneaking around that goes with an affair certainly is. The effects on the spouse are I believe similar to PTSD once it all comes into the light too.

The affair itself has some similarities with physical abuse. They are certainly putting their partner at risk from potentially life threatening conditions, infertility etc. It's not the same as being beaten up obviously but it could be just as serious physically.

Absolutely it is emotional abuse, I ended up being diagnosed and treated for PTSD after discovery of ex's cheating.

There is now a condition being recognised and studied called Post Infidelity Stress Disorder, similar to PTSD.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/talking-about-trauma/201503/love-is-war-post-infidelity-stress-disorder

The only way it differs from emotional abuse is that the unfaithful partner does not usually do it in order to abuse their partner. That is just a unexpected bonus It is utterly shocking and destructive in it's impact and that is caused by the actions of someone who is supposed to care.

Everything you described is on many check lists for emotional abuse. It being motivated by covering up an affair doesn't make it any less abusive.

Your delightful exh sounds like he would have been abusive even if he didn't have an affair.

glad to hear you're on the road to recovery OP

Sleepwarrior, not all emotional abuse is intentional and not all emotional abusers set out to ruin a person on purpose.

I think the gaslighting very much is, making out it's all in your head, that you are the crazy one ruining the relationship with your paranoia, that's absolutely cruel, manipulative emotional abuse, it might be because they don't want to be found out but that doesn't stop it being abusive. Abusers are rarely motivated by the pure desire to be abusive IMO, that's why so few of them believe they actually are.

Yep I think without a doubt when you suspect something and they try to convince you you're paranoid and losing the plot that it's emotional abuse.

I think they are one and the same

Gaslighting is emotional abuse imo. In my case it was 6 months but it was hell and the worst bit is that he lied to the kids too.

I think you are right OP, and I am sorry to hear what you are going through. Gaslighting is a common behaviour in both scenarios. The article above is really spot on. I'd never heard of stress cardiomyopathy before but had to call the paramedics out one night for what I thought was a panic attack but they thought was a heart attack, because my chest pains were so severe I couldn't breathe. I've never experienced it before or since. The way people treat their OH while they are having an affair is shocking, mine blamed me for absolutely everything. Like he'd had to fall dick first into her because of all my failings as a wife and person.

I completely agree with you op.