Will he ever...

[freshairshine]

Bit of a long arse one....
So been with my dp (50) for 2.5 years, I'm 40. He's widowed of 16 years, but had a long term since this that wasn't pleasant.
I'm divorced.

Both extremely happy together, can't live together yet because of both having children and circumstances atm.

However, we have spoke about living together and he basically stays at mine 90% of the time and contributes so I dont feel he's a cocklodger.
He is very tentative, spends every spare moment with me, when he's not with me he texts or calls, we are glued at the hip, very much in love.

So... when we talk about our future he says I want to marry you, I will marry you, blah blah .... then that's it...

This weekend one of my friends got engaged another friend of the family got married and I was showing him the pics on fb. I said how beautiful she looked and the theme was wicked... he then said I want to marry you, I want to spend my life with you , but because he often says it I'm kinda getting irritated by it now because if he wanted to marry me he would have ask me. I'm starting to feel that I'll be over it if he ever does ask and the special moment will be gone. I don't really know why I'm fixed on this tonight but it's getting to me. I guess I'd like commitment, where my colleague said to me today what's a ring ... just enjoy what you have , I said to her I'd like to feel worthy enough to marry one day ...
I just wish he'd stop saying it, when he said it last night I said 'yeah of course you do' the other week when we were together we were having a conversation and I said is there anything I could do to make you more happy he said ' yes be my wife one day' I replied saying that's up to you, then I pulled the reins back and said and up to me also because I thought to myself why should I let him think I'm hanging on the string hoping for that proposal... anyway I'm going on , sorry ladies , just need to get over myself I think and not focus on it , thanks for reading my blurb

You know what's going to happen now ladies he'll never say it again 😂😂, a few months ago he sent me a text saying 'marry me with 💍' I sent back you can't propose by text with an emoji, maybe he has ask me and I never give him the answer because I thought it should be a one knee jobby for it to be real. Give me strength to be me .
The kids and so they should have always come first and we've all blended well both of us have a great relationship with each other's.

I'll keep you all posted on if you have to start looking at MN hats for the future x

@CodenameVillanelle actually say 'when are you going to propose' I can't do that can I?

No! But if he mentions getting married ask him if he's serious about getting engaged and tell him how much you would love to marry him. He doesn't have to 'ask' you. You aren't a blushing maiden in 1875. Or you could bring it up yourself! If you start the conversation from a point of love and happiness rather than resentment that he hasn't asked you then it should go perfectly well.

Oh my goodness
You're shooting him down every time he brings it up because you're expecting a fancy proposal. Stop it!

You're a big dope . He's asked you several times in ways you've not taken seriously.

Maybe that's his cunning plan and he's just having you on, but given he's the man you want to marry, presumably he's not a giant dick. Take him up on it.

There’s no reason why you can’t be married whilst maintaining two homes. People who travel a lot for work (for example) manage it. I have a colleague whose wife lives in Frankfurt. At least your two properties are only a short distance apart! If marriage is important to you, book a date. The rest will fall into place as the children get older.

From what you say I think he sounds quite genuine otherwise surely he wouldn't say it so often(?).

No offense, but you really do sound very resentful and off-putting.

I would play it very differently, and next time say something like "ok ok I would love to - when shall we plan it for etc etc?"

In other words, take him seriously at his word and see where it leads you. If he is negative re timing or whatever, you will have to be tenacious - perhaps suggest a date much further down the line, but make sure you tie it up.

If it turns out he has been playing you all along, you come across as if you would end the relationship.

@KeepCoolCalmAndCollected the next time he says it I will have a serious conversation, it's my own fault I've always been tongue in cheek because I never know if he's being serious and didn't want to look a fool. Having just read about if he's has no plans and it is just something he thinks I 'want to hear' then yes I don't think I could continue. I want commitment long term and I think after all the times he's said it , if it's not really something he wants I know that will make me realise he's not the person I thought he was. I'm even feeling sad typing this. We are off on holiday in 2 mths , you never know...... 🤞🤞🤞

Just have a straight conversation with him about it. "You know you keep saying we should get married, well, are you serious?"

FGS don't hang around hoping he's going to propose "properly" on your holiday, you're 40 not 14.

😂 I do love you ladies , thank you! I will next time he says it , can you believe he's not said it tonight how very bloody rude 😂😂

Clocking in for the update

@C0untDucku1a not tonight I don't think he's snoring his head off next to me 😂 love him

Well.... a little update.... would you believe he's not give me the cue to say anything so I got the balls to drop it into conversation the other night, I said do you want to marry , he said 'yes I do and would you want to marry me' I said I think you know that answer... you know I would... he then said one day we will ... 🤔.... so looks like it's all 'what I want to hear' or he'll ask when he's ready to... I don't know... I'm going to sit on the fence with this and see. I know it probably sounds ridiculous to some of you but I will see what happens over the next 6 months , I'm going to give myself that time, if no commitment is made I think I need to decide on what I want , because is obviously different to what he wants. Again some maybe happy to be just partners but I'd like commitment and I'm not going to live life with 'one day'. I don't want to say to him why haven't you ask me because basically he hasn't so obviously doesn't want to , and I also don't want to pressure him , so I shall put this one on the shelf have a marker in my head and then go from there .... sound ridiculous or a good plan ??

I'm worried about his son living on his own. Teenagers massively need their parents, whether or not they admit it.

It's also very tough to live alone. It's unbelievably tough for someone that age.

He must know his dad is clock-watching, waiting for the point he can bugger off for good. He's really letting down his boy at a vulnerable time in his boy's life. Poor kid.

Plus his boy lost his mother when he was 2 and another woman who was part of his life for a long time. Now he's effectively orphaned entirely.

I wish your man would go home and do his job properly and look after his boy. He can't just make him homeless at 18 - or his boy would be no different to a boy in care.

This man is being so rubbish to his boy.

He's fannying about and this would really piss me off too.
I would ask him why he keeps saying that but never asks the question, and I would not marry without a ring either. I've had two husbands who couldn't be arsed with a ring and they both turned out to be selfish bastards.

Thank you ladies , @springydaff I'm not suggesting he moves in with me and leaves ds homeless, I understand our situation at the moment we have to live apart , what I'd like it a commitment. I'd be happy for us all to live under one roof but as previously said I can't afford to put in to do that. But at some point in the future I hope to get to that stage. I totally get and understand where your coming from, and I have many times said about ds being at home alone , but he's either out, at work or got friends round , not running riot in the house. Ds also comes to mine when he's free to. So apart from me finishing us so he has to be at home there's not much I can do l. If he said he wanted a holiday or nights in with his son I'd totally understand that as well... it's a tricky one. But I wouldn't ever have a problem with his son.

@madcatladyforever I think I'll have to see if this is turning into 'what she wants to hear' guy. Am I odd to be happy to be engaged ( if it ever happens) but not live together because of circumstances? Or should I just unlock my jaw , it's something that's important to me

And what happens when his friends go home or he gets home from work? The house is empty, just him.

Your man is very much letting down his son. He's being a crap father.

Your partner sounds nice,and he says he wants to marry you, so you already know this.He will eventually do the proposal properly,when everything childwise and housewise can be sorted out in time.

@springydaff I can't answer this , I can invite ds here which I do, he sometimes comes. That's his choice. I involve him on outings , again if he hasn't got plans he will come. Short of ending our relationship I can't tell both of them what they should and shouldn't be doing. If he was a rebellious then I would be looking closer to why , but he's not. He's a well mannered boy that is grounded in life , so for that I think my partner has parented well. So I have to disagree he's crap, but thank you for your input.
@1forAll74 thank you , I think it's wait and see time

You can tell him to go home and parent his boy op.

I think a lot of things have got tied up together here.

You need to work on being able to live together. That's far more of a commitment than an engagement and it would be strange to be engaged before that happens, he's not unusual in that view.

You also need to unpick the feelings of being worthless from your previous marriage. Don't bring those into this. You are already marriage material, whether or not he's proposed. You've picked an element to focus on to give you self worth, but when you get it, it's far more likely that you'll refocus on something else than it will be "enough" to cure the feeling. It never is. It's a way of coping, without having to deal with the previous trauma. That is making this seem a lot worse for you.

Have you talked timings? Have you told him you want to be married before you're 45, or whatever? Nothing too close, that would unfair and verge on manipulative, but a reasonable amount of time.

I have to second everyone who is saying he's being a really crap dad though, and you should send him home.

@AnchorDownDeepBreath thank you ,you've given me a lot of food for thought. Your quite right, I do need to sort my 'self worth' issue out. Which I will venture to look at. Because I will more than likely focus on something else ... it's a issue with me and a cup half full I think. I touched base with my partner about spending more time at home with his son, the response I got will upset a few on here I'm sure. I said probably feels quite alone and I think he should make more time with him, his response was he's ok I ask him regularly and he's fine with me being here... I said I didn't think it was healthy for a young adult to which he got defensive and ask why I was worried ** is happy and he would say .... so yes if it were mine it would be a different story but I can't manage his parenting I can only dip in and out with suggestions and say the correct thing. Maybe I've planted a seed for him to think now and I'll see how that goes , digging deep I think that ds has just had money thrown at him for a quiet life, phone breaks gets a new one .. pair of trainers .. delivered the next day... car before passing test... the list goes on ... sad I know but I need to concentrate on my two they are my priority. I can't change learnt behaviour and I think I need to think about long term now , thank you all