Stuck with a sulker

[Girafferiver]

I have been with my partner for 14 years and we have grown apart. He is increasingly short tempered with long sulking periods triggered by the smallest things. I have asked him to get therapy to talk through why he sulks so regularly- it’s often 3 to 4 days at a time avoiding speaking which feels like a punishment - he never apologises, just comes out of it and carries on like nothing happened. I’m not attracted to him and haven’t been for a long time. We have two small kids 4 and 6 and I don’t want them growing up in this sad, stressful environment. I feel guilty as he has few friends or family to turn to but I think I’m done with it, if he is refusing to admit his behaviour. I’ve been asking him to try therapy since January, we went to one couples counselling session and he refused to go again. I’m really scared of what lies ahead but can’t go on and on with the same pattern of problems, especially as the kids are soaking up such a dysfunctional relationship. I feel like he will fall apart if I say it’s over.

Logically, if he was that worried about you splitting up then he would be doing more to address the problem.
His problem.

I despise sulkers; I think its a nasty, insidious form of bullying.

That's a hard situation to be stuck in. Its ultimatum time really. You can't and won't go on, he refuses to see and deal with his behaviour.

Can you ask him to leave, will he leave, can you leave? People often find them stuck in these situations. I think so many people would leave their relationships tomorrow if they had the money in the bank. What is your situation?

If things don't get better you need an exit plan. It is a horrible situation to be in. I have been victim to the silent treatment and I hate it and it didn't happen that often. Couples therapy helped.

He doesn’t sound like a mature adult. I bet he does more than just sulk to. I tend to find that sulky people are selfish people. They do little that is kind for others without expecting a reward and they believe others should do everything for them.

I have lived with a sulky petulant angry man and I am so much happier without him!

Exactly as above.
Then, after doing something nice, they sulk because they think they deserve a fanfare of trumpets and they didn't get one.

His reaction to your understandable need to get out of this relationship is not your problem. You can be pretty certain that his behaviour is more about manipulating you than any underlying vulnerability of his. If you;'re afraid to leave because it will upset him, then it's working, isn't it?

Thank you, I think I just need to be brave and admit my full unhappiness even if it hurts him. I need to put the kids and me first rather than maintaining an unhappy balance for his sake.

It feels like a punishment

Well, that's because that's precisely his intention.

When he doesn't get his own way, his response of being short tempered followed by many days of sulking is with the specific aim of "training" you to not illicit that response from him by pandering to his whims in the first place.

It's very manipulative behaviour and he doesn't want to go "get help" because he knows exactly what he's doing, knows it's bad behaviour but doesn't want to change it.

You can't make him a different person OP but you sure as hell don't have to put up with a miserable existence by living with him and having to tip toe around him.

Nor do you have to let you children do the same and absorb a sense that this is normal.

He won't fall apart btw if you leave. He'll rant then sulk, then promise to change and he might for a bit - but whilst on best behaviour you'll probably have to ply him with platitudes about how wonderful (aka behaving like a grown man) he is or you'll get the "you're so ungrateful" line tossed back at you - because he thinks it's your job to make him feel good and your feeling are irrelevant.

It's a shame because of the young kids. I know someone who left an ex with a 4 and a 6 year old, it was very hard for her as she decided to move out of the home in secret one day. She is now very happy.

Look into finances and what support you can get / benefits if money is tight or he won't leave the home.

Does he ignore the kids when he sulks or is he a good dad to them?

He’s a good dad so just aims the sulking at me, but is short with the kids when he is not happy. I just can’t see him leaving despite saying it a couple of times. I think I need to get some professional advice on the logistics of how best to split. I’d be happy if he were in a flat down the road to see the kids but I can’t go on in the relationship as we are.

I’m starting to wonder why anybody these days bothers living with a man. Hard work, boring and sulky.

Are you married?

If he sulky he might refuse to look after kids or financially support them. He'll be hurting himself. It might not happen or it could be a knee jerk reaction but at the moment you need to know how to support yourself.

Go to the local council and find out what you can get housing and child benefit.

A really tough situation to be in, the silent treatment is horrible

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201802/the-best-way-respond-the-silent-treatment.

There are so many articles on it. PsycologyToday is a good source

@wonderwhat Men can say the same about women too

If you google child benefits and housing calculator you can get a rough idea on some things.

I’m starting to wonder why anybody these days bothers living with a man. Hard work, boring and sulky

What, all of them?! FFS, generalising much lol.
Sulking's awful, DH used to do it but not done for years as he's realised how shitty it is.
You can't do anything with it, just tell how them how crap it is and stay jolly/pretend you don't know/oblivious to what they're doing.
Makes them seem like an utter knobhead and they soon come round if you're not pandering to them and buggering off out without them all smiley and breezy.