Growing apart. Do I want to continue my life like this?

[Numb2019]

I literally have noone to speak to so hoped that this forum may give me some advice about my current circumstances. Have been married for 27 years and had many "ups and downs". Neither of us has ever strayed and I have no interest in other people. Am 2 years into HRT and not sure if I have been chemically castrated but feel dead from the neck down. Haven't been physically attracted to my husband for a while but not sure if this is because I don't like him as a person anymore. We very rarely have a meaningful conversation as recently he has become a different person to the one I married. Don't really want to go into lots of details but I don't like the man he has become. I have 2 grown up daughters who will be moving out soon and I dread being stuck for the next 40?? years with a stubborn sulky sullen unmotivated man with whom I have very little in common. We used to have a really similar outlook but I can't remember the last time our quality time wasn't just going through the motions. Don't even know what I am looking for but I work in all male environment and don't really have any close female friends who could empathize with my situation so just feel more and more isolated. If I try to speak to him we usually end up having an argument with everything being my fault so I can't even be bothered trying to approach him. We both work full time although I do more hours than him, financially we are ok and I am about to go part time (my choice). I love my home and don't want to leave - nowhere to go - but not sure I have anything to look forward to other than losing my patience and sanity with my relationship. Help??!

Do you have hobbies ?
What will you be doing when PT, volunteering ?
Make a wider circle of friends
Do you have holidays together ?
What do you plan to do together when retired ?

My partner & I make plans or do spur of the moment things together or with friends
Generally, we have things to look forward to

What are you looking forward to ? Short & long term

Hi, this is my first post on MN but I had to respond as I am in a very very similar situation. My DP barely recognises I'm here most of the time and doesn't show much affection, unless he wants sex. I feel he's destroyed my love and trust in him as he has a habit of not paying any attention to me but paying plenty of attention to others, particularly if they are young and attractive. We've been together 4 years and in that time he's bought his own property but lives with me - he insists on keeping all our finances completely separate, so that just adds to the feeling of not being in a real partnership. He also says everything is my fault and never accepts the things he's done that haven't been good. Over time I've lost all respect for him and honestly feel I'd be happier on my own, but I don't feel strong enough to ask him to leave. Before getting together with him I spent 10 years on my own raising my 2 DC and I know how lonely I was then. So I'm sorry I don't have any real advice for you but wanted you to know I know exactly how you feel.

My suggestion, if you are unhappy, make some changes

I've made changes
I've lived on my own

A home is where you are

To be honest I currently don't have time for hobbies and seem to be chasing my tail frequently. I have chosen to go part time in a job I really enjoy in order to catch up with the many jobs that need to be done around our home. As I mentioned my husband is unmotivated and lazy unless it comes to golf where he is always able to find time to disappear and play. He is due to retire at 60 in 2 years and I was going to retire early at the same time but I now feel hanging onto my job will keep me sane.
I would love to do something spur of the moment but if I try and suggest going away for a weekend it always clashes with golf and then he will be weird and sulky with me for suggesting. I know he also resents the fact that we don't have sex but I feel no emotional connection, don't even feel like we're friends anymore, and I just find the thought of physical contact horrible which is really sad as we used to have a great sex life. I really don't know if this is relative to the HRT I am on. Perhaps I should visit my doctor?
In answer to your question about what I am looking forward to I have no idea. All feels a bit bleak.

Hi Crystal2000. Thanks for responding to my post. I have never been involved with a group like this or felt I could reach out for an opinion from complete strangers but I know it's comforting in an odd way to hear that other people are having similar experiences and ultimately we aren't alone.
Your story probably illustrates one of the reasons I am still married and that is your loneliness during the 10 years before you got together with your current partner. My story is pretty complicated but I had always felt alone and when I met my husband he made a massive deal about how head over heels in love he was with me- told his mum he was going to marry me after our very first date- and I thought I had found my forever partner.
Am sad that that person doesn't exist anymore. He has become obsessed with a particular way of thinking, cryptic I know but I don't want to go into detail, and he talks about very little else. We have massive arguments and can go for weeks without speaking but the last time we had a major falling out and I suggested separating he got really upset and said we should be together for life. We aren't talking at the moment. I don't want to spend the rest of my life reliving the same old routine but feel apathetic about breaking the stalemate.
At least I know I can vent my feelings on this forum. Even the process of typing it feels cathartic. Perhaps my hobby will be to take up writing?!
Have you got an idea about what you're going to do next?

Hello Numb2019 - thanks for your reply. I've read some other threads and have seen how supportive other MNetters are, then when I read your post I identified so much with it, that I had to respond.

I'm also on HRT (have suffered quite badly with some menopause symptoms but seem to have got away with others) and also have zero interest in sex most of the time - at least with my partner - and am struggling to tell if it is because I have detached from the relationship because of how my partner has been towards me. I'm fairly certain that is why. He literally pays very little attention to me but has no problem at all interacting with others, esp women. He has no understanding of how his indifference towards me has affected me, he doesn't think it should impact on sex - but women's minds don't compartmentalise emotions and sex. We also used to have a great sex life and I would love to get that back as much as he does but it isn't going to happen unless/until he starts to re-engage with the relationship. I think it might be similar for you, i.e. until your relationship improves the sex won't either? Has the HRT improved your other menopause symptoms?

My situation is quite complex eg I think he would prefer to be with his ex if he had the choice (he doesn't, she isn't interested) - that also impacts on my perspective on the relationship. I have no idea what my next steps will be. I suspect the relationship won't last in the longer term (too many issues that add up to a big problem) but if I am to end it I want to do so in my own time when I feel I'm ready and is best for me and my children. I think he would/will carry on until he sees a way out that suits him, in that instance I believe he'd take it and leave me high and dry with no qualms at all.

I feel so sad for you that the promise your relationship held in the early days is not still here now. You must be very sad about that. Your current situation sounds tumultuous with the arguments/rows/not speaking (we also have lots of rows so I know how that feels and how very draining it all is, especially when nothing gets resolved).

Do you know what you might do next - would your husband consider talking to a counsellor for example? It sounds like he is committed to you from his comment about being together for life?

What jobs need doing round the house that you need to go PT ?
Do them yourself or pay someone to do them
Try some hobbies, you DH has golf, you need an equivalent
Start making some plans
Nobody on their death bed says I wish I'd spent more time at work or doing chores at home
They talk about the time they spent with family, friends, hobbies, holidays
Plan a holiday for you or you & someone else, he can go with his golf buddies

I left my ex and I feel a lot less lonely now as a single parent than in an unhappy relationship. Honestly, for most women who leave, they end up happier

Crystal 2000. Haven't forgotten to reply. Have some bizarre family stuff to deal with. Will get back to you soon. X

Was on HRT and did not feel anything for my ex H - same sort of scenarios . Met a man who I had amazing sex with - it wasn't the HRT. It was the man

@TheStuffedPenguin - Yes, you may well be right. It could be the man/how he makes me feel .....

You know what's weird? I have just read my original post and here I am over 2 years later and I still feel the same. If anyone is reading this and are in a similar situation, don't waste any more time. Nothing changes, despite "promises" when you finally lose your shit and say how you feel out loud and you get emotional bargaining and you think things might actually be different. They aren't. Get out now.
I went part time, then took a career break, just at the start of lockdown ironically. I can't believe I am still here. In the sameshitdifferentday scenario that I thought I would move on from.
Doubt if anyone is reading this but I needed to write it down for my own sake. It's a record of my wobbly sanity and an indication that I am wasting my life. Just saying I told you so to my future self.

Didn't want to read your post and run op because a lot of your post and Crystal's resonates with me. I am in the thick of perimenopause and was wondering if this wasn't helping but my husband has changed and done some things I just don't like (porn and some degree of emotional abuse but not ongoing). I have lost a lot of respect for him and he has become way more irritable over time and not somebody I would seek to spend time with - we have different interests too but our primary focus are the dcs and to be honest the glue that binds us.

our story probably illustrates one of the reasons I am still married and that is your loneliness during the 10 years before you got together with your current partner.

This applies to me too.

Just out of interest how did you imagine yourself moving on from the scenario? I have spent night after night looking for answers on mumsnet and many mornings just willing myself to get through the day. Admittedly, I don't currently belong to any groups outside of the home (especially with covid). This needs to change. You can 'do' things but you can't suddenly put in place the relationships you want in life...this seems far more elusive, down to luck and probably takes time but it really important in life. It is the aspect that is bringing me a lot of unhappiness but it is also dependent on other people being present in my life in a close way...and to quite a large degree, beyond my control.

I’m reading it.
I bet you wish you’d got out two years ago right? Do you want to be posting on here again in 2023? Resolve to make this the year you grab your life back

I also meant to say op...I'm sorry you are still feeling this way x I imagine not much will change for me either sadly, though there is a part of me that secretly hopes (by some miracle) that it will.

@TheStuffedPenguin - that's what I'm wondering. Is it the relationship or menopause? To be fair, my OH doesn't complain, which in itself is a worry but he drinks, a lot.
@Numb2019 - To be honest, sounds like both you and your DH has checked out of the relationship. Not speaking for weeks! What is the point. I think you'd be far happier on your own.