Ex's mum dying - do I break 6 months NC?

[mjv123]

Hoping for some advice/gentle words/support.
I've heard this past week, that my ex's mum is dying and has just days left.
It's 7 months since we broke up, it didn't end well. I made a couple of attempts at contact in the month after, but gave up as I didn't get a response.
I then decided to go for NC, and I've made 6 months now. (He did break that a couple of months ago, giving me a message through a friend).
I know that we are no longer in each other's lives, but I'd feel really bad if if I didn't acknowledge what's going on.
She got poorly towards the end of our relationship, and we spent a lot time talking about it. He is very close to her, so I know he will be struggling.
I don't want to 'go back there', if you know what I mean, but I still care.
Do I reach out to say I'm thinking about him and his family or should I let a 'sleeping dog' lie?

If you got on well with his mother, I would send a note directly to her, not mentioning him. Anything else can be construed, and probably is, to do with your feelings towards him, which are next left unchanged.

In as nice a way as possible, you're not that person for him any more. He will lean on others in his life if he needs support.

If you really feel the need contact his mum directly. But you shouldn't attempt to support him.

For your own sanity. It doesn't sound like you have totally healed yet.

I see absolutely nothing wrong with you getting in touch to let your ex and his family know you are thinking about them and perhaps ask for your love to be passed on to his mother. That would be a lovely thing to do.

From what you have said it doesn't sound like you were in an abusive relationship and, if you were, my advice would clearly be not to be in touch.

His mother might really appreciative knowing that you care about her.

I would. I would say I’m sorry to hear of your mother’s illness. Please pass on that I’m sending my love to her.

Don’t ask about him. Restrict your feelings to his mother.

Thank you for everyone's responses.

What I will say though, is NO I am not looking for excuses to make contact. I've gone 6 months without talking to this man, in order to allow myself to heal.
If I were looking for excuses to contact, I'm pretty sure I would have used much less pressing issues to do so.... his birthday for example. And I have not.
Please don't make assumptions about me or my relationship from two threads.
Yes the relationship ending caused me a lot of heartache, and has taken sometime to let go of. I'm the first to admit that, I am simply just trying to get my thoughts and emotions in check.
I don't want to act irrationally. My dignity and self respect is very important to me. This time apart has really cemented that.

But someone I loved very much, is going through an awful time. She's been a wonderful mum to him. I know I'm not 'that person' anymore, and he will have his family and friends to look to for support. But I'm not someone who can easily switch off, after sharing all that I did with him.

What if he then decides he wants you as a crutch to talk to - what do you say and do then? What if he wants that support for twelve months and you want to move on? What if he has a new girlfriend?

"This time apart" makes me think you see it as an interval and not the ending you claim. I'm not sure you've moved on as much as you think you have.

If he wanted your support, he'd have been in contact. You found out this news from elsewhere. I'd find it a bit intrusive and ghoulish to get a message out of the blue from my ex about my dying mother.

I would, it's nice to be nice.

I would be really stressed if an ex appeared at an awful time in my life. I wouldn't think how lovely they were being kind. It would be something else to worry about / deal with how I felt about that / try and guess their motivation / might cause issues with a new partner, or generate false hope if you wanted them back, which if you're wrong you then have to deal with that too.

You could send flowers, but honestly the first response to your question is best, let sleeping dogs lie.

Definitely don't do it.

You think it would be nice but they won't see it that way.
It is inappropriate and intrusive.

You said you don't want to come across as someone who is uncaring and cold. The thing is. He isn't thinking about you at all.

Just leave it.

Just leave it. It isn't good for you and really not good for him if he reads too much into it and looks for friendship or support.

I'm going totally against everyone here! If I were you I'd send. I would make it very simple, a nice message saying how sorry you are etc but with no questions or anything that makes him feel he has to reply.

It won't harm him, he's a grown up, we are not robots, he's losing his mum.....it just shows a bit of humanity from someone he used to love, and to me, that's the decent and grown up thing to do. These things are 'bigger' than any relationship issues you two may have had in the past.

If you wish to reach out, then I suggest the appropriate way to to this is by a condolences card or note after the death.

Not to your ex, but to his mother (someone with whom you appear to have no gripe with) on the same terms as you would to anyone with that degree of relationship who is newly bereaved.

If you wouldn't be sending condolence cards to anyone else of that degree of acquaintance, then you perhaps do have to reconsider why you are getting unhelpful thoughts urging you to treat this family differently.

Sorry, ignore some of that. I had somehow got it stuck in my head it was his gran (utter incompetence, no other excuse)

I think a general condolence card to the family wouid be suitable.

You are not the right person to free support to your ex (arguably, an ex popping up out of the woodwork is the worst possible person to be dealing with), and I think it wouid be problematic to send a message to his DMum, unless younare sure it wouid be well received. Is she at home, in a hospice, or in a hospital?

It wouid be easier to send a message for her via hospice or hospital staff.