I'm bored of my marriage.

[difficult2ndalbum]

I'm so bored but I don't know what to do.

I do still love my husband but I'm bored. Every week is the same.

He moans constantly about everything - so will always find reasons to complain about something that he doesn't want to do.

He has a long commute but at the weekends he stays up long after I've gone to bed drinking and watching TV, which means he's grumpy over the weekend because he's so tired.

He complains at the kids constantly, mainly for doing things he is also guilty of.

I have recently had counselling for anxiety and am feeling much better about things, but feel he just drags me back down all the time.

He also really likes routine, which is driving me slowly insane.

He's not earning a huge amount at the moment so I'm now earning more money than him. I think this his making his misery worse but I feel like I'm paying for everything and getting nothing in return.

I've tried to talk to him about it but he just gets really defensive and shuts down.

How do I know if it's beyond repair?

Hi I'm sorry no one has replied yet.
What has your therapist said if you don't mind me asking. Have you told them he won't talk? If he won't talk to you, how can you move forward?

She says that I am making changes in how I behave and respond and he needs to adjust to them.

So I need to be firm about what I want and need and he will come round

But I find it all so tiring. I feel in constantly pushing uphill.

The more insecure he feels the worse he gets. At the moment he's behaving like a stroppy entitled teenager and I already have one of those.

I know separating isn't easy, but I feel that my life would be easier if we did. And more fun.

I'd have more free time, less washing and generally wouldn't have to live in an oppressive atmosphere.

My therapist says I need to stop feeling oppressed by it because it's partly learned behaviour on his part (because it works for him)

BUT I'M SO BORED OF IT.

He is probably bored too. Bored of travelling to work. Bored of kids. Bored of you. A lot of relationships are like this.

Do you want to save the marriage because if you do, then both of you are going to have to do some serious talking and take steps to change things.

Why is he commuting so far if he doesn’t earn much? Is there nothing closer on similar money?

He says he's looked but I'm not so sure.

I think there's a part of him that likes the commute as it excuses him from other stuff. And gives him more to moan about.

I've asked him about looking for something else but he just says there are no jobs. He's in sales. There are always jobs!

Yes. Probably an excuse to not have to spend time at home. Men are wimps when it comes to discussing difficult issues and rather than engage, he is doing the exclact opposite.

You mention you still love him. What do you love about it? All of your post tells the things you don’t like.

How would he describe you if asked?

I do love him. He's a good person. We have been together an awfully long time but we essentially get on. He's funny, and clever and can be great company when he wants to be.

I don't feel he shares enough of the 'grown up stuff'.

he's still the same boy he was when I met him.

And what would he say about you if asked?

Do you still do fun things together?

Have you tried talking to him about this?

He is perhaps depressed but not discussed it with anyone.

If you love him it’s worth exploring every angle to see if you can reconnect!

I have tried to talk to him but he doesn't seem to want to know.

We do still do fun things, but I arrange them all, pay for them, and he moans if the slightest thing goes wrong. It's very draining.

For example, if we're having a day out he'll moan about the weather in a 'typical, I knew it would rain' way.

I just want him to actively make an effort to make something better.

He could well be depressed, although he's always been quite glass half empty.

I've talked to him about seeing a therapist too (not together) but he flatly refuses.

You don't have to stay if you are unhappy.

Tell him all this. I know you said he doesn’t want to talk but maybe he’ll listen?
Why should he drag you down?

I found myself picking a fight with my (lovely) DH the other day, and woke up today realising that I'd only find if because I was bored. Bored of the safety, security and predictability of our marriage.

I've decided to focus on making my own half of our life more fun - finding more exciting work, seeing my friends more, inviting people round, etc.

I've been doing little and expecting him to make me feel fireworks... but really, domesticated men aren't the most dynamic! I remember my first house share was with two blokes and I found it shockingly boring.

I understand why the money is making you resentful, though. It's like you're shouldering 80% of the adulting now. That would piss me off too.

I don't really know what to suggest. I divorced my first DH but not because he was dull, but because he was a tosser. I loved my single mum years, and I look back quite nostalgically, but divorce creates its own set of problems (mainly money) and if you still love your funny and bright DH, I'd stay!

Glass half full people are draining. That must be hard.

I would lay it all down and say you are prepared to help if he is feeling down etc and to work together but I think you need to set out what’s at stake if he doesn’t agree