Husband with bpd/eupd

[Theworldcouldbemymollusc]

For many years my dh has behaved in quite challenging ways which has been painful. It has been confusing to work out boundaries and appropriate behaviours and to be honest I’m exhausted. We have just found out that he has bpd/eupd and we have been having some counselling in the run up to the psych. Assessment as things have got so difficult between us. Has anyone else worked through this diagnosis? think I’m scared and overwhelmed.

You know you don't have to stay with him, don't you? It's a different matter if it's your child, but if it's your husband then you're not in prison. You can leave and have a much happier life alone.

I’m just trying to make sense of everything and working out how much hope there is that we can both be happy

But you say that for many years you've been unhappy. That is a terrible situation. The way things are it sounds as though there will be many more years that you'll be unhappy if you stay with him. Show yourself the love you are showing him, and let yourself have a happy life. It's not being selfish - it's survival.

Pretty sure my ex-wife had bpd. She was never diagnosed (every time she got as far as arranging to see a shrink, she threw another strop and announced that she was fine & everyone else was the problem), but her symptoms were classic.

Maybe it's different if they truly embrace treatment. But life with her was hell. The rages. The lies. The insecurity. The jealousy. The manipulation. Eventually, the violence.

It's no way to live. My advice would be to leave. Even if he embraces treatment (and most borderlines don't), the outlook isn't great. Don't waste your life surviving that behaviour. Run away. It isn't your job to fix him.

My life is amazing now. And - crucially - for both me and the kids, it is calm and stable and full of laughter. She still causes problems for the kids (we share residence 50/50 for now, although I suspect they may decide to live full time with me at some point). But they have a safe, stable place to escape to where they are loved and secure. That's not something you ever achieve with a borderline. They're a special kind of crazy. As much as I may sympathise with their pain (and I know the abusive behavour comes from a place of pain), it is nobody else's responsibility to manage that for them. And trying to do so is a terrible way to live.

Thanks for the messages. I was crossing my fingers that there could be light at the end of the tunnel.

I have bpd and marriage can work. Yes it is hard but with the right understanding it is possible. I have been married 26 years and was diagnosed in my forties.

Slightly - I think you have made a lot of sweeping assumptions based on your ex wife's behaviour. I have BPD and have a very close and loving relationship with my ds (17) who has had a safe and stable upbringing. I also have a happy marriage. Some people with BPD don't want to seek help but certainly not all and some of the behaviours you describe affect some people with BPD but not all. As a mental illness that is already stigmatised so much I think it is unhelpful to generalise in this way. I appreciate you have had a hard time as your ex hasn't wanted to help herself but not everyone with BPD is the same.

What Gigia said 100%. I also have two adult children who live at home and I have a good relationship with.

Clairethewitch70. What are the factors that have helped you to sustain a happy relationship do you think?

There are some horribly offensive stereotypes floating around arent there. Dh has BPD and I've been advised that it can dramatically improve with long term therapy with a stable and caring therapist who can provide the nurturing environment the person lacked as a child. Remember that all BPD suffers are victims of abuse or emotional neglect. It is no more their fault than any other MH condition but far more stigmatised. Life with someone with BPD is not without its challenges and you will need your own very strong support system as when things have been hard DH has struggled to support himself let alone me. I would recommend individual and couples therapy.

Thanks. The psychiatrist suggested therapy but said that doing 2 types at the same time isn’t helpful. I’m trying to work out who needs what therapy and in what order...

I was diagnosed with EUPD and it’s been challenging but episodes are few and far between these days. It’s perfectly manageable with the right help. It’s better now I have a diagnosis tbh. Just support him best you can and you will see positive results

I have BPD. This condition can be treated, but even the best of therapists will find it changeling and that's with years of training. Obviously there will be variations in the severity of the conditions, but for me before I was diagnosed it was just extreme mood changes and breakdowns. I only got help three months after I decided to kill myself. I used to push people away but desperately cling at the same time. So far I've been in therapy for the past 2.5 years, most of which has been twice a week and it's made a huge difference to me.

Is the counselling just for him or for you both so marriage counselling?

Supporting someone with a mental illness is draining, but you also need to take time out and put yourself first. The best phrase I learnt has been "you don't have to yourself on fire to keep others warm".

*set

@theworldcouldbemymollusc. I was diagnosed late but have always been push him away then pull him back and I have very black and white thinking. The reason it has worked is that early on dh saw it as a quirk of mine and learned to go and visit his family when I pushed him away and by the time he came home I was begging him to come back. He told me knew I didn't mean it so gave me time out. He is an amazing guy.

Thank you

Regarding therapy, we have been told that the rule of not having more than 1 type of therapy at once applies to individual support as it may conflict. Couples therapy is seen as different so you could do both at the same time. We started by putting the feelers out to therapist until we found who we liked.

Like others have said, it is manageable if the right help is put in place.

I think we both feel overwhelmed by it. It has taken a huge toll on our relationship. I don’t think he would cope with couples and sole therapy at the same time. He finds it exhausting. But I don’t know where to start. I think he needs to do the sole stuff first, but I’m terrified by the time he’s ready for couple therapy there might be nothing left

Perhaps you could do one every other week?

Hey OP I know this is a super old thread but what happened with you and your DH in the end?

Very old thread but I'm also curious to know how things worked out for you. My partner of 5 years was diagnosed last year and it's finally starting to feel like we are moving forward