Kick up arse needed please!

[Daisy164]

Hi everyone, I was just wondering if how I am feeling is normal.
I left my husband and took my 2 children 4 years ago due to domestic abuse towards the kids and I. He was in bed with another woman within weeks and they are still together now, blissfully happy as a family with her 2 children. I am genuinely happy for them and he sees our children every other weekend. He was an awful father when we were together but on the surface treats them well now although he is still terrible at the bits the kids don’t see, I’m sure those in a similar position will understand what I mean! He also treats me with contempt.
Fast forward a few years and I met someone and fell head over heels in love, we talked about marriage, buying a place together etc but he turned out to be yet another controller with no idea how to have a healthy relationship and I walked away after it all showed itself. I genuinely loved both of these men with all my heart.
I’ve dabbled on dating websites out of curiosity but have been bombarded with the usual rubbish. I now feel that I have no faith in men at all.
My children are early teens and are at the point where they would rather be with their friends which of course is fine.
I find myself reminiscing about when the kids were younger and “needed” me (I know they still need me but it’s not cool!), I crave a proper relationship with a decent man that won’t use and abuse me, that doesn’t want me to tow the line.
I guess I just feel a bit lost. I have a good job, earn a decent wage and have a good heart. I left everything behind to protect my children and now it’s me that gets the bad behaviour from the kids as they won’t say a word to their dad “as they only see him” a few days a month.
I’m working on finding my own happiness, I’ve joined the gym and try to go to new places when I don’t have the kids but I just feel lost as in ......what’s the point of me!! That sounds way more dramatic than I mean it to.
I have friends but they all have their own lives and families.
Can anybody give me some advice that will give me a kick up the backside as I hate feeling as I do!
Thanks for reading my long post!!

Hi Daisy, sorry you are having one of those days, I think it's harder on a long weekend when everyone else seems to be making the most of it and you are mooching about on your own. As a single mum with teens I'm on my own a lot and have to force myself to go and do something when I get down, great that you have joined a gym. I generally whack some great music on and tidy up or go visiting.
It's hard and I liven things up with the odd date but not found anyone for a relationship yet, stay strong, stay happy and do stuff you enjoy. The kids will always push boundaries with you but no doubt they love you and im sure they will appreciate what you have done in years to come. Take care x

Thank you. It is so hard isn't it. My 13 year old has just come home with some friends and told me that she has tried vaping.
We had a discussion about it a few weeks ago and she asked me how I felt about vaping as she had been offered and I said it's not something that I ever want her to try but would not go mad if she did, otherwise she will never open up to me and tell me things. I told her I believe it's not good for you and that she must make strong decisions and whilst I wouldn't go mad I would be disappointed. I've told her I am disappointed with her choices but grateful
that she's told me and she's stomped off telling me I said she could do it once. I really didn't!
It's times like this when I struggle, I wish I could talk to her father about it but I can't.
Now I don't know whether to leave it and be grateful that she's told me or punish her. I can't punish her otherwise she won't ever tell me anything again!

Well you can't punish her if you told her you wouldn't go mad if she tried it 😊 Next time I would be careful of how you word it as that just means go ahead to a 13yo I should imagine.
Not having a go at all I am far from a perfect parent and you're right about them feeling they can come to you with anything, that's really important, just don't give the impression it's ok if it's not something you are comfortable with.
So many kids vaping nowadays I stick to the 'you don't know what the chemicals will do as it's all quite new so not worth the risk'
I tear my hair out with mine some days but it's up to us to stick to the boundaries so they turn into decent human beings so whether it is switching wifi or cancelling pocket money I do whatever it takes and they know I love them but am not a mug and won't have them disrespecting me or anyone else.
Mine don't have a dad (passed away) so I run things by friends if not sure but mostly go with my gut and ignore the moaning! Hope your day improves, wine might help 😁

Thanks for saying all that and sorry to hear of your loss, that must have been so hard.
I will take your advice on board, most importantly the wine bit!!

OP could you get a dog? If I ever have moments where I think ‘what’s the point of me’, I see the way they look at me and I know!

When DC are being trying and you doubt yourself, the unquestioning adoration of a dog brings everything back in focus, for me

Hi, I've done that, got a puppy and he's 10 months old now. He never leaves my side and is my Little Rock! We go out on loads of walks and have lots of cuddles.

How do you all cope with the adoration the non resident parent gets when you know he's done wrong in so many ways.
How about the closeness that your children have with the ex's girlfriend? Whilst I am pleased they have a good relationship it rips me apart to think that they have a closeness to another woman in that capacity.
My ex's girlfriend is forever messaging my daughter, telling her she loves her and misses her, wishing she was there on holiday with them, planning spa days and shopping trips. I want to scream "back off, you've got your own daughter for that, leave mine alone" but I obviously cannot say a word otherwise I look bad and it doesn't give my daughter the right impression

Aw, bless!

My husband left me 8 weeks ago and felt/feel the same way. I recently turned 30 and have writtena '30 things I will do in the year if being 30' list and it's helping! Why don't you try that? Xx

I'm so sorry to hear that. How are you managing? Well done on the list!
I did that when I turned 40 but ran out of year.....and money before I completed it. I am actually 42 on Thursday so may try again.

OP I’m sorry, I didn’t see your message about your ex’s GF when I posted ‘aw bless’ about your puppy.

I would feel pissed off in your shoes, no doubt. My DC are older so not so difficult, but in my mind I try to tell myself two things: DC having a good relationship with their dad and his gf takes the pressure off me, as for a while they didn’t and being effectively a sole parent was grim. And the gf being there also takes the pressure off my DC: they don’t have to worry about him being dead in a ditch, or being a burden to them. It helps a bit. But it is unfair

Op I'm doing okay. There are more good days than bad days now (thank god!) with my list they weren't all expensive. Eg knit a scarf, listen to a podcast, try yoga, read the sunday times (don't ask!), beat a personal record at swimming etc. Xx