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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dd15 and dd11

23 replies

Gargamel1975 · 27/05/2019 14:29

I’m after perspective and I hope I can be clear and not drip feed. I’m feeling really down.

I’m a bookkeeper so this job allows me to stay at home with the children while dh works outside the house. It has been like that for the last 15 years. I was responsible for all the childcare, big part of the housework, etc...The girls don’t do much to help, they are stuck on their devices. It’s my fault I let them get on with it. They do well at school. My problem is that they both refused to do anything with us at the weekends, I wanted to go for a lunch out and they refused to come out so I cut off the WiFi so now it’s a war zone. One of the dd called me a bitch. We never go out for lunch, they never want to do anything. We took them to Chicago in April and they hated every minutes of it and they put a huge damper on the whole trip. I’m completely at loss, I feel like such a shit mother. Next month, we are having a orthodontist appointment for the 15 years old because she insists she wants braces. Her teeth are not completely straight but they are not too bad but she doesn’t qualify for the nhs. She is treating me like utter shit so I resent having to pay so much for money when the dentist doesn’t think she needs in the first place. My question is how to make things better? I’m at loss

OP posts:

Myoldtable · 27/05/2019 18:48

You are not a shit mother. Teenagers are incredibly selfish & this behaviour is within the normal range. I don’t have any answers, sorry, just try & do nice things for yourself & get yr DH to help more maybe, 15 is probably the hardest age to live with

Original poster

Gargamel1975 · 27/05/2019 20:12

Thank you @Myoldtable - I’m really struggling and yes I need to get Dh to help more.

OP posts:

pitterpatterbaby · 27/05/2019 21:51

I also have a 15 year old and an 11 year old so will absolutely vouch for it being hard work. You are not alone! You need to have a good chat with your oh and set some ground rules. Do you feel supported? Standing united works best! So it's not you that switch off the WiFi it was both of you xx

EKGEMS · 27/05/2019 21:56

Does your daughter realize what a commitment braces are?! Countless visits,pain,specialized cleaning,restrictions on certain food? I most definitely would refuse unless the orthodontist thinks she has a medical necessity for them

magicBrenda · 27/05/2019 22:03

Yes I had one of these. Had to pay for braces too which she lost on the first day by taking them at at lunch and chucking them away with the rubbish. I was completely stupid and bought them again.

I had to put the breaks on because I realised I was spoiling her and she was turning in to a spoil young lady with zero respect for me. I didn’t really notice it coming or I just overlooked stuff as it was easier to let things go but all of a sudden I was bitch face No.1 who she could treat like shit.

I stopped everything. No money off me, no lifts to school, stopped tidying her room, stoped plating her dinner up, stopped ironing her clothes. For about six months we were at war but eventually she got on board. If she wasn’t I made it quite clear she could go to her dads.

Teenagers can be savage but you need to get this in check before your 11 year old thinks she can also continue this shit.

AquaUnderAqua7 · 27/05/2019 22:44

Allocate chores

Ref things to do at weekends, it's not all about them
You work, you need a change of scenery & something to look forward to like lunch out

It's about respect

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 27/05/2019 22:47

Part time job to make contributions for 6 months first....

Aryaneedle · 28/05/2019 06:39

I have exactly the same ages (plus an 8 year old) but mine are boys and the fighting is the main problem here. Asserting their independence and puberty is rough on everyone. I'm just gritting my teeth and putting my job into practice (I'm a social worker).

Poppyfr33 · 28/05/2019 06:47

About time you took charge, you are the adult

Sally2791 · 28/05/2019 06:51

Certainly with the braces I would be saying that she pays for them.

Original poster

Gargamel1975 · 28/05/2019 06:56

Thank you for all your messages, your advices. It’s so good not to feel alone. The 15 years old do absolutely nothing to help because she says she has homework. So my routine is I work 10 hours a day, then I cook, one of the kids will put the table on if I’m lucky, won’t barely eat the food I made, won’t help tidy up the table, won’t help with the dishes obviously (we can’t have a dishwasher and it’s our fault). Last week was awful, dh worked early and late so I had to pick up the slack and I was exhausted this week end. We were supposed to go out for lunch yesterday the 15 years old refused to come as she had made plans so I said you are not honouring your promise so I’m cutting off the internet and she called me a bitch. The 11 years refused point blank to come and she was not even dressed anyway - her bedroom is a pigsty which she refused to tidy. I felt really depressed yesterday and cried, last week was horrible, they fought a lot, I was on my own pretty much doing it all. I have organised counselling for myself and hopefully it will start soon.

OP posts:

BlueWonder · 28/05/2019 07:13

This is a tough time, at this age they (girls especially), know how to 'press your buttons'. Do they do any sport or other activities in their free time? I find mine are nicer to me for a while when they have been around other adults/good role models too...it seems to change the dynamics a bit. Otherwise they start taking me for granted. As you know, that's very wearing and can grind you down!

Original poster

Gargamel1975 · 28/05/2019 07:29

They don’t do any sport, the 15 years old has a good social life and the 11 years doesn’t want to go out unless it’s shopping or cinema. She is also having a bit of weight problem which I’m helping her tackle, I want to do the couch to 5 with her but she is refusing so I need to find a different approach.

OP posts:

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 28/05/2019 09:03

Withdrawing the bank of dm for her social life will see results ime....

SunshineCake · 28/05/2019 10:08

Stop doing all but the basics. Provide her with a place to sleep and study, food and clothes and any lifts which awe vital.

You should have gone in your own for lunch. If your husband won't parent with you then he can stay at home next time to sort them out.

This is not your fault. Teenagers can be awful but calling you a bitch and refusing to help is not acceptable or to be tolerated.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/05/2019 10:22

Time to remove any and all unnecessary things.

I have a 15 and a 11 year old and there is no way either of them would treat me or their dad like this. I suspect their bad behaviour has crept up on you as you have been busy so have let the little things go so they have and are pushing boundaries.

I would definitely put braces on hold until your 15 yr old start appreciating what you do for her.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/05/2019 10:25

Does your 15 old school use any home work Apps, my dc school uses 'show my homework' and all parents have a login so we can check what they have.

And I can tell they have no where near enough to have that much homework that will stop them being able to help around the house.

Original poster

Gargamel1975 · 28/05/2019 13:53

I don’t look at their show my homework if I’m honest. It really crept up, I feel as it I’m walking on eggs shells all the time. Dd15 woke up in good mood and went to study for her gcses so I feel I can relax and do stuff with dd11. I’m going to implement some new rules and chores for each dds and if they don’t do them, no wifi and less pocket money.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/05/2019 13:59

Less pocket money? None till they earn it. There would be no washing or ironing done except uniform. No lifts. No Wi-Fi except for homework.
Only food available is what is prepared or fruit.
They need to learn

MrPickles73 · 28/05/2019 14:02

She can do the braces as an adult.
It sounds like you have spoilt them and they are ungrateful.
Tell them family life is teamwork. They have school and homework, you have your job. They need to pull their weight. I would limit screen time and get them doing stuff other than shopping and cinema. Couch to 5k sounds an excellent plan!

Family4F0rtunes · 28/05/2019 23:10

I'm going to give some examples of chores that I did as a teenager
Hoovering
Wash car
Cooking a few simple things
Keeping house tidy
Pick your own fruit
Visiting family & relatives
Making cards
Chopping kindling for the real fire
Crafts like knitting, sewing, woodwork, making toy models
Sports
Playing outside
Biycycles
Nature table

Ahhhh the days before the internet

How about trying family days for geo caching ?

another20 · 28/05/2019 23:27

It is v tough having teens especially if you are struggling with life and the menopause. However I think that the heavy handed authoritarian approach back fires.

They should be doing their own laundry (including uniform) - then they will have to think ahead and plan - and the consequences are theirs to own.

I have found it easier that they have short 5 min chores each day and to stop the nagging they have to be done before dinner.

So I will call them for dinner and then say have you fed the dog, emptied the bin, taken out the recycling. If they say ‘No - not yet’ - I ask they do it before I dish out dinner. Seems to focus the mind.

Hotterthanahotthing · 28/05/2019 23:30

If you're 15 yr old is doing her GCSEs then you have just over 3 weeks to make a firm plan.Implement it as soon as exams are over.
My DD has been using revising as an excuse to skip chores but she would never talk to me like that and keeps her room clean and doesn't leave her stuff lying around.
She will be stepping up after the exams as She has the rest of summer off.She will be cooking tea on the days I work and helping with the washing up.
She only gets a small amount of pocket money but because she is respectful(mostly) and appreciates that I work hard for my money she will get an allowance from September and has to manage her own clothes too.
You need to take control again.No money if chores not done,they don't like the food then they cook,WiFi has to be earned,calling you a bitch means it is off for longer.
And good luck.

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