Helping friends in abusive relationships

[litterbird]

This is my first ever post on a blog or mumsnet but hoping for some help.
The story: 3 of my good friends, all in second marriages, all now have turned abusive. 2 of my friends are being hit, the 3rd one is being emotionally abused. All in their late 50s, no children with the second marriage and all have grown up children with first marriage.

The problem: All 3 have had these issues with the marriage for over 2 years, they are struggling so much but they refuse to talk to anyone about it and I have been their confidant. They all know of each other from afar but I am the common denominator.

My struggle: I love these women to bits, they are strong business women dealing with horrific times in their marriages. They all follow the same pattern and speak the same language. When asking why they won't leave they site that a) they love their abusive husband b) can't possibly face another divorce c) fear of being on their own. I have given keys to my house to 2 of the physically abused women as a safe house if they feel their life is in threat. I have been sent photos of their beatings and abusive texts to keep just in case they are needed. I have just spent another 2 hours listening about another abusive episode with one of my friends and just dont know how to help her now as she just leaves my house, goes to make dinner for him and continues the relationship.

About me: Mid 50s never married and a very happy single person with a beautiful adult child. I am hurting so much for my friends and just dont know what else I can do for them or give advise as I feel I do not have any experience in marriage ( I have had a couple of very long term relationships). How else can I help my friends?? What more can I do or say as its so very upsetting to watch them all go through the same thing, say the same thing and then return. I feel totally out of my depth at the moment and hurting so much for them?

Hi litterbird..... all you can do is what you're doing.
Be there when they need you. You can't prevent them from going back. It's frustrating, but until you are in that situation it is impossible to understand.

From what I learned from my daughter's experience, it is almost like an addiction, complicated by the danger of constant threat, control, insults, random kindness, heartfelt apologies, promises, violence, from the very person you love and are 'addicted' to.

She met "the one" at 16, a seemingly polite, kind, good lucking, charmer, 2 years older than her. But, amazingly, found the strength to leave him this year (even though he is an ex-gang member, drug dealer, and all-round nasty piece of work with many friends in low places.... my baby girl has balls!).
But it's crushed her. She has turned from beautiful, strong and confident to frightened and anxious with zero self-belief. She has had to give up work. She is battling PTSD as he was physically and sexually violent, as well as emotionally abusive. It will take time.
I could see signs of control but had no idea of how serious it was. I asked her to leave him many times, but she could only do that under certain circumstances and when she was ready.

Just be there, litterbird. Your support will be invaluable to them even though they may not show it.

Back away from the conversations. They will drag you down op. Sounding off to you is preventing them taking actual action. Offer outside help like Woman's Aid etc but don't allow their problems to affect your mh as it seems they are atm. You can't help those who choose not to help themselves...
My ex friend's exh went to jail for a violent crime. She spent 6 years reliving their relationship, police safe guarding measures in place for his release.
Turns out she was in contact with him all along...
Sickening.

Thank you for your messages, I have done some research and its quite disheartening to see that many men and women continue to return to the abuser as if its an addiction. Its a frightening state to be in for them. I hope that my friends can see the light one day and leave. Other than that I will step back a little as it is affecting my emotions as I just want to grab them by the shoulders and shake them to try and make them see that there is life away from the abuse despite their fears.

Please stay supportive of your friends litterbird (and you do sound like an amazing friend)
The fact that they have spoken to you about the abuse is the first step in them leaving believe it or not.
It took 2 years for me to finally, once and for all leave my abusive ex, the worry it caused my family makes me feel very, very guilty now.
It is an addiction that is up there with crack. It takes on average 8 attempts for a woman to successfully leave her abuser.
I’ve been free of mine for a couple of months and colour has come back into the world.
From my experience and what I’ve read it takes just one little thing for the fog to clear and a woman to see sense, it’s like snapping out of a trance.
Please keep supporting them.

What you are doing is great. What a fantastic friend you are.
If you can, get in when the abuse is raw. I know in my case, as soon as an incident happened, dh would go into overdrive and for the next 2 months I would be treated like a queen. It's very hard to leave in those circumstances because you want to believe they have changed.

It is a delicate balance - to be there for them but not be an enabler.

Allowing them to vent to you just gives them more oxygen to go back with enough energy to the abuser again and again. They need to reach their own breaking point and decision to leave - maybe refer them to therapy where they will find the insight and strength to take action - and point to resources like WA etc.

But be around for proper fun friendship and make sure you get something from it as well - you are not a dumping ground. They will be glad of this diversion.

Thank you all again for the input. Its been quite eye opening hearing from women who have come through this and I am also understanding the addiction that comes from these relationships. I have taken heed of all that has been said and I set some boundaries yesterday with one of my friends as I was not up to listening to her problems yesterday as I needed some space from it. I was as gentle as possible with her mentioning that I was not in a good place to help and listen at the moment and gave her some info on abusive relationships and asked her if she can see herself in this situation. She gracefully backed off and I hope she takes some time to read the info.

That’s really brilliant. You will be helping her immensely as she needs professional expert direction with these issues if she wants to resolve them.

If she had a recurrent lesion on her leg - as a friend you would send her in the direction of a medical professional - you wouldn’t attempt to treat it as you don’t have the training, skills, resources - it would be irresponsible if you did - it wouldn’t heal etc. Bit of a parallel maybe.

Also same as a friend who was in the grip of another addiction - you would support by directing them to al anon etc as you are not equipped to mange it. These things take an highly experienced multidisciplinary team to get results. In that situation you might be seen as enabling IYSWIM.

But keep being a good friend