Leaving husband how do u cope with the guilt?

[Mysty83]

I've been with my husband for 10 years, we have 2 small children. Our relationship has always been up and down but the good times have kept me going and I guess I was desperate for the normal family life so I brushed things under the carpet.
I'm at a stage now though where I have had enough and im desperate to leave.
Hes always been quite snappy with me, if I want him to do a job round the house for example I have to choose my time carefully to ask otherwise he will snap. If he loses something he blames me for moving it/losing it and goes around banging doors etc.
Hes always moaning, work is always awful despite him having several jobs since I've known him, he only ever talks about himself and never takes much interest in my day or my life.
He doesn't really help me with the house or the kids. He doesn't get home until 7 so mon-fri I do everything. At weekends I always get up with the kids while he lies in. I'm on maternity leave at the minute and he has never done a night shift with the baby. He occasionally got up with our toddler in the early months If she woke but he would make a big deal of it, shout at her and tell me how he couldn't function at work as he was so tired and I didnt care.
I expect to take on more household/kid duties as I'm off but I feel he could do a lot more. It wasnt much different when I was working.
He has complained about all the extra money he has had to find since I've been off but just before my mat leave started he bought a unecessary expensive car. We cant afford to go away but hes going away on a lads weekend next week.
If I say how I'm feeling he says I'm being a victim. If I say what annoys me about him he says I have a never ending list of problems and he cant do anything right. He doesn't initiate conversations when we fall out and waits for me to sort stuff out.
His version is he works hard to pay the bill's (I honestly think he prefers being at work.) He feels like a spare part since the kids and feels i have no love or time for him anymore. We have been to counselling but he said it just made me hate him more.
I have tried to leave before but he has crumbled at the last minute, got so upset, said he cant live without me and the kids etc. Hes been divorced before and has 2 other kids and says he cant go through it all again, it will kill him. He makes me feel so bad saying it is affecting his mental and physical health. He said he will move away with work as he cant bear to have another broken home. Ive said it's over and now I need to get the house up for sale but i just feel so guilty all the time like I should have done more, like I shouldn't have had kids with him in the first place and I just don't know how I can live with this guilt or get through the next few months living together in such a horrid environment. Guess i wanted confirmation I'm doing the right thing and any tips from people on the other side who have been through similar xx

You are doing the right thing! He sounds bloody awful.

Don't feel guilty about him. He's a fully functioning adult, he'll cope.

I felt so guilty I got back with mine

I've been there and didnt go through with it. Keep going is my advice xx

Just kept thinking of your children

Put yourself and your kids first.Make a plan and work to it. I couldn't put up with someone as bad as that, I hate people who just talk about themselves all the time.He should feel guilty for not addressing his behaviour not you. Go see a solicitor this week and get the ball moving.

He is highly emotionally manipulative and abusive.

Have you looked up gaslighting, projection and emotional abuse?

Just from reading the first part of your post, these were the issues that screamed off the page. I imagine his first divorce involved the same issues and he chose not to change and treats you the same way.

Put your happiness first. It's not worth staying with someone who drags you down. You are not responsible for his choices and feelings.

6 months ago I could write exactly the same as you...today I'm sat in my own house, not a miserable man in sight. No moaning, no manipulative bollocks behaviour. Am free to do what I like when I like. I have more free time now as we have kids alternate weekends.

Do I feel guilty? No, I do not...you only live once and you have to make it through this life as happy as you can.

Mysty sounds way too familiar 💐💐.

@Mysty83 he sounds AWFUL and you're absolutely doing the right thing.

I think you might have to resign yourself to a horrendous few months while all the logistics and practical stuff is sorted, but keep sight of the relief you'll feel when you're out the other side. You've taken the first step by making it clear that it's over - now hold your nerve and see it through.

He sounds so incredibly selfish and self-absorbed - you and your kids deserve better.

Thanks all so much for your replies, its exactly what I needed to hear and I had a little tear!
I have obviously only highlighted his bad points and there are some good but they are getting few and far between. Despite everything I know he loves the kids and they love him and that is the most difficult thing to deal with as I feel I'm taking them away from each other but I just cant go on.

@kermitrulesok I want to be you!! I have a vision in my head and i can feel that relief when I'm in my own place but it feels like a massive mountain to climb to get there and I just hope I am strong enough to see it through as I have failed before. Any tips?

@PicsInRed yes I have heard of those terms, I think he does fit the description but I just dont like to use them as I know people go through so much worse and feel silly that maybe he is a mild case and its not bad enough! But it's bad enough to make me miserable I guess.
@100percentplease oh no, do u regret going back?
@NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 I hope u find the strength to leave if u want to xx

@Mysty83 you didn't fail you just weren't ready. I really took a good hard long look at my life and realised it was up to me to fix it. No one can do it for you! It's been a long hard 6 months but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex is nasty to me, puts me down and calls me a cunt...which every put down, nasty comment it re-enforces my decision.

Yeah, I have very little spare cash at the end of the month but am happy and that counts for more I think.

You can do it, you just have to be strong

Sounds very much like my stbxh. I'd asked for breaks before but nothing changed long term. Since the day I told him it was over I've never waivered. I moved out, as he wouldn't, I told people close to me everything so I definitely wouldn't have gone back and looked like a fool. It was the best thing I ever did, he's stepped up and does a lot more for the dc, but that just added to the resentment that he couldn't do it sooner when it really mattered.

These men bring it on themselves, they had the power to be good husbands and fathers yet chose not to. Remind yourself of that if you feel guilty.

Thank you both your very strong and I hope I come out the other side happier too xxx

@lanbro high five

You said it was over before to him - he had an opportunity then - he did nothing. He had an opportunity with his ex - he did nothing. He's not going to change.

I am 8 months down the line. It has been hard and I mean really hard. Mine turned toxic, but I knew it would which is one of the reasons I stayed for so much longer than I should have.
But, I feel better oh do I feel better, I feel lighter, healthier, happier.
Know you can do it. There will be super hard days. There will be guilty days. There will also be great days, lots and lots of those.
The lovely people on here were amazing for support.

I'm years down the line and yes I did feel guilty, he would get drunk and turn up at my mums house crying, he got depressed, he would barely have the kids as he thought going out was more important. It was a hard time but living with him was harder. It sounds like there really isn't much about him to miss. You will feel liberated and re energised being by yourself with the kids, it will be a whole new life. Please take the plunge, life is too short.

I felt very guilty when I asked exh to leave and he would make it worse by saying things like 'you've done this', 'you've ruined our dcs loves' 'you've committed financial suicide for us'

I had a year of counselling which was amazing and I still see her now every 6m or so

6 years on exh is in a relationship and is allegedly happy although I still get shit from him, but that's because he's a cock.

I am in the best relationship I've ever had in my life.

I don't regret the divorce, never, not one tiny bit of doubt.

You'll have to go through a world of pain and shit but the light on the other side is worth it

What guilt? He shouted at your newborn baby for being a newborn baby.

He can get to fuck.

Thanks all so much for your replies. I'm really happy to hear so many success stories and that there are so many strong women out there who have stood up to these idiots! If you can all do it so can I! Spoke to a solicitor and booked a house valuation (just havent told him yet!!)