My husband lies about everything and I've lost all respect

[Tails5290]

My husband and I have always had this problem. He actually moved out before Christmas and we're still trying to work things out.
My husband knows I am so morally against lying and the little lies to me are just as bad as the big ones.
He moved out mainly because of his need to tell lies. Every time he tells a lie and I know he is I call him out on it, he will first deny it, then have time to think and apologise.
He lies about where he spends his money, it's usually on crappy food from the shop and as much as I tell him it's his money and he can do what he wants with it, it's also annoying as I'll have to lend him money to cover his fuel for the rest of the month.
He lies about conversations he's had with people, a lot of the time my family so I end up finding out what he's said is not true. I cannot even think of a particular example of the top of my head they are so pointless. The fact that we actually broke up about this yet he still does it doesn't fill me with much hope. A lot of his little lies are to please me although I've told him I'd rather be annoyed for a short time that he hasn't done something he said he'd do rather than annoyed for days that's he's lied again! I don't know where to go from here. When we broke up just before Xmas he became very nasty and saw a side to him I had never seen before, I'm worried if I decide to call it a day he will become that horrible person again, and I have not got the emotional energy to deal with that every time he comes to see his son which would be at least a few times a week. I'm just not sure what to do??? I would love some outside perspective please or just someone that has been in a similar situation

They lie for their own gain, it’s utter bullshit when they then try and spin that to be for someone else’s benefit.

Not always.

My exhusband felt terribly guilty following the counselling/cbt and apologised to me. He said he had no idea how damaging it had been to my feelings for him; my ability to trust; the incongruence I experienced and, ultimately, our relationship.

He felt, growing up, that he couldn't look to his parents for relationship role models - rightly so. So he brought himself up in that respect on a diet of romcoms and Star Wars. That was where he learnt what relationships should look like. And he learnt that lies are always accepted and welcomed if they make the woman happy.

He was constantly angry with me for getting 'being a woman' wrong and not being satisfied with some of the more obvious lies and the fact I didn't understand why he was taking the position he was on other things. As the woman, I was suppose to gaze at him, doe eyed, and just be happy.

I’m sorry, justwhoiam, but your ex husband’s excuse sounds like total bullshit to me.

“ it’s your fault I lied to you, I’m not responsible for any of my own actions, the movies made me do it “ .

When we broke up just before Xmas he became very nasty and saw a side to him I had never seen before, I'm worried if I decide to call it a day he will become that horrible person again

He will because it worked the first time. Unfortunately it's something that needs to be ridden out. My ex was a nightmare to get rid of but it was so worth it in the end.

Op i think you should stick to your guns and end it, hes fundementally untrustworthy and irresponsible and i know feom experince how draining that is.

As others have said if you back down to this "nasty side" he will use it to his advantage to keep you in check. If you want rid you have to stand up to this and face it head on.

@ImNotNigel he sounds absolutely batshit particulaly the "but you can't prove it was sexual" bit 😯

ImNotNigel

It wasn't that he blamed the movies for it. He honestly thought he'd found a better relationship model/male role models that he had at home and we all learn from someone. He couldn't understand why I ddin't appreciate it and thought I was just being awkward.

I don't make many excuses for him - and this isn't even an excuse, but it is his explanation.

I understand he is very different in his new relationship in many respects.

It was a very sexist view of relationships but he thought that if the woman is happy then the marriage would be happy.

He had a very naive view of women as docile, compliant and good natured - also determined from films - he also didn't understand why I didn't gaze adoringly at him and tinkly laugh at all his jokes. When we split, his mum said it was about time he grew up and realised that life isn't "a fucking Disney film".

I was his first girlfriend at 25 so he hadn't done all the learning that comes with being in younger relationships.

My point is only that people lie for many different reasons but the outcome is still the same.

My husbands says everything he does is to keep me happy so I feel bad that he's trying so hard and I think he is a good person, but maybe that's what he wants me to think. He is a victim in every situation.
His son from a previous relationship not wanting to see him is his ex's fault (but I don't think it is, he put his son on the side line to focus on our family)
All his relationship break ups are his ex's fault.
He got fired and that was his jobs fault.
He was called up on a previous job for having no initiative but that was there fault for not training him properly.

I'm at a loss what to do.
Maybe I'm a weaker person than I thought as to me staying with him keeps the peace, I am emotionally exhausted and can't bear bringing him up on things that will cause an argument which goes round in circles.
And as much as he dotes in our son, I don't want our to grow up to be like him. But I would have to keep contact and risk that anyway.
Life is hard sometimes

It sounds like he is a very skilled manipulator. Saying he does everything to make you happy whilst continuing to do the things he knows are making you unhappy. This is called gas lighting, he is denying your reality to keep you confused and less likely to listen to your own instincts (the fact that you even posted on MN is your gut screaming for you to listen). Cyclical arguments that never get resolved are another massive sign of narcissism (look up covert narcissism and word salad). Does he turn all arguments around on you and make it all about your faults? Does he apologise but then keep repeating the behaviour? Do you feel like his mum?

The fact that he cannot take responsibility for any of his 'misfortunes' in life is a massive red flag. Most healthy people are able to reflect and learn from their mistakes but narcs prefer to blame other people to avoid taking any responsibility.

How long have you been with this man? Did the relationship progress very quickly? Was he asking for commitment and professing love too soon? Did he change significantly during pregnancy or after the birth of your DC? Does he put you down in subtle or overt ways? Does he discourage or resent time spent away from him with other people who are important to you? Does he minimise your achievements? Are you made to feel like you're not good enough at even menial tasks? Is he jealous of any men in your life or accuses you of cheating or still loving your ex? Does he fly into a rage at any perceived criticism?

The problem is that narcs are unable to change and in fact get worse over time. What's even worse is that they lack empathy and are incapable of love, even for their own children which he has already shown by abandoning his previous DS. He cannot 'dote' on your child as he is selfish and sees them as an object to control. Especially an object to control you.

How is your relationship with the mother of his DC? I would reach out to her and ask her what really happened as narcs often lie about their exes (calling them crazy or jealous and unreasonable) to keep their current partner from finding out the truth. It's all smoke and mirrors. They hide behind a mask.

Yes, life can sometimes be a massive pile of shit and learning that there are people out there with this mindset can be devastating but once you see the truth, you have to power to change the situation.

I know you are exhausted (and that's how he wants to keep you, look up adrenal fatigue and narcissistic abuse) but you have to find the strength to do something about it, if not for yourself then for your DC.

Lockcodger. He always denies his lies when caught out, then stews over it, then apologises, then does it again. Sometimes he will deny it then 5 minutes later be perfectly normal and pretend the conversation doesn't happen. I do feel like his mum sometimes, he has no initiative in anything, I thought that might just be a man thing. For example, I have to ask him many times for him to say now the lawn, it could be up to his knees but if he's not been asked to do it he will not do it.
We have been together almost 4 years, he proposed after 12 months and we were married 9 months later. After our son was born for a couple of months he would only hold the baby when we had guests, and that was to show them how good a dad he was, that has got better over time.
I've only spoken to his sons mother once, which was civil. But now they are not in speaking terms as it's apparently her fault that he can't see his son. His son was due to come down a couple of xmas's ago and he didn't bother to book anytime off work to look after him, we both agreed that it would be better if he could swap xmas's with his ex and be better prepared and book time off the next year. I had brought him a lot of Xmas presents and so we sent them up. He told me he had called his ex and she was fine about the swap. But I'm not sure it was ok as this was the reason his son didn't want to see him anymore. I'm not sure wether to believe that conversation actually happened or if he just cancelled last minute?!
I'm going to go downstairs and have a chat with him now, wish me luck I'm not sure it's going to go very well

I saw this on MN previously and sums up having a conversation with an abusive/toxic person perfectly.

Thanks that's great
Conversation started heated and ended a bit more sensibly. He has said he has a problem with being a people pleaser and lying to keep people (especially me) happy. That is something I've heard before. For the first time though he said he wanted to get help and speak to someone and try and change it. I am willing for him to try this. Hopefully it works but I am 100% made up of it doesn't then we will go our separate ways

closetbeanmuncher yes he is quite batshit. He still maintains that he did nothing wrong except let OW manipulate him . He feels hard done to and that he was the victim.

He thought he was the one in charge because he was her boss. But she was conning money out of him and he nearly lost his job over it. Which troubles him much more than losing his marriage and the respect of his kids.

He effectively stole the money from his employer, as he changed her sales figures to make sure she got a huge bonus which she didn’t deserve. Although he admits now that he “ made a mistake “ , he says he did it for the good of the company as she was such an amazing employee he wanted to retain her. Nothing to do with him shagging her of course.

And he stole money from our joint savings account to give to her. Apparently it was just a loan to help her pay for an extension on her house. You will be surprised to know that there was no paperwork and no she didn’t pay it back. She couldn’t, poor lamb, because she was fired.

So it’s not her fault you understand .

He still angry at me because I didn’t believe any of his story and still don’t, suprisingly. Nor have I ever met anyone who has. Everyone I have told has said the same as you - that he’s batshit.

These men are expert manipulators. All this “ I’m just doing it for you”.

OP - don’t hold out waiting for him to change. It’s just another set of lies designed to manipulate you. He will do nothing and see no one because the current set up suits him just fine.

No one can fix his lying and manipulation, it’s not a illness.

He’s not lacking initiative , he’s just lazy, selfish and self centred.

If I were you I’d make plans to leave.

A poor childhood is NO excuse for current behaviour.

After childhood, all actions are a choice. It is his responsibility to live life authentically.

Tails, he is getting a benefit from all of this. Probably from leaving you to do all the adulting.

I've told him I don't know what i want right now. We are taking a step back from our relationship. I am very stressed from currently moving house this week and am putting my husband to the back of my mind until I'm all moved and have the emotional energy to think about it again. Thank you ladies for all your replies, it nice when I thought I was being ott getting upset by the lying about stupid things and that maybe he wasn't actually that bad. All your insight has showed me I'm right to be upset and I shouldn't stand for his shit!