Lonely in a marriage

[Sunflower1234567]

This is my 1st time posting anything & i am so nervous..I have been married for 16 years, today is our Wedding Anniversary. We have 3 amazing children. My husband is kind & generous, will make me endless cups of tea, always has our fridge full of food, cars serviced, doesn't drink or go out much and is a fantastic father. God even typing this i already feel guilty. But the thing is he does not want to have sex with me. We have sex once or twice a year & its killing me. He is constantly distracted, on his phone, netflix or working. Its the only thing we have ever argued about through our entire marriage. Not sure what to do. My feeling is (having struggled & argued & cried so often) that its not going to change. I don't want to leave. And i don't want to kick him out. Tbh it'd be very hard to raise this family without him. But what i am struggling with is how to people cope with living in a sexless marriage ?

How long has it been like this? If it has been a while then it is unlikely to change. There will be loads of people who say life is too short etc etc and your should leave but it’s not always as straightforward as this.

I think if you don’t want to split up and you can’t see it changing then you have to find other ways to find fulfilment.

Hi :) I just wanted to ask, has he always had a low sex drive, or is this a recent problem?

By the sound of it this has been ongoing for years. You'll have to leave him OP. You're right, he going to change. If he were he would have done so by now. Instead you're stuck in what is effectively a sexless marriage. Have an honest conversation. Tell him you can't stand being in a marriage where he isn't' providing any kind of real sexual or physical affection, and you don't hold that against him but that's just the way he is. Rationally, he should realize you have to separate.

Sorry for the delay in responding, i am so new to this & i could not figure out how to find my own thread !! Tixytrick its always been like this. Well since we got married. I realised when we were on honeymoon that something had changed. We didnt have sex on our honeymoon. I felt lonely & confused. I thought he was just tired but there was more to it than that. Since then we have gone very long periods without any physical contact, 9 months has been the longest. I do think for the moment that yes i do need to figure out how to survive this without losing my mind. I really do not want to break up the family unit, my kids are so young.

Prettyatmidnight no its not a new problem. Its so sad though because when we have sex its actually amazing. I get ridiculously optimistic and find myself thinking ahead, and really looking forward to a satisfying & exciting love life. Then after one night, he seems to just forget all about it & has no more urge. It is actually like it just never enters his head! So then i feel rejected and hurt all over again & have to start the process all over again. Its really sad because i am a monogamous person. I always imagined that within the security of a good marriage i would really be able to experience all these things. But instead I feel that he got me, and then cast me aside, so won't have sex with me, but in addition to that, has taken me 'off the market' so I can never have sex with anyone else!! Double whammy

Scott 72 thank you. I just am not ready to do that (yet). I think it will possibly happen down the line when our kids are a bit older,maybe. The thing I can't seem to find any info on is how do I cope with this. Big emphasis on the 'I'. As in, not work it out with him but how do I live in celibacy that has been enforced on me. Does anyone have any coping strategies ? I used to fantasise about having an affair but i have never been able to separate sex from love, so it wouldn't be helpful because i would only be able to have sex with someone that I love and that would be a whole other problem !!

My marriage is mostly sexless too. He goes through the motions like buying me pretty underwear etc, but then nothing. He uses work as an excuse and the fact that I have chronic pain and tiredness as well as a young family to pretend that we're always too busy. He won't admit there's a problem, he always falls back on there being faults on both sides. He just is genuinely uninterested in anyone but himself. Yesterday was my birthday and he gave me a load of bargain presents from the sale in Poundland after Christmas. They were lying around in the basement for ages as well as cards bought from a shop that was closing down, and it's so obvious that it was all just tossed together. He didn't even get me a card from the eldest two who are 10 and 13. They scribbled some cards out but there was obviously no real thought behind it, homemade cards are lovely but this was something else.

Sorry for the huge explanation. but I wanted to put my coping strategy into context. From today, apart from basic interaction and keeping a good relationship for the children's sake, I'm going to enjoy the children and start taking really good care of me. I'm only 41 and I'm young enough to find a decent relationship as the children get older. I'm going to keep my weight down and start taking more of an interest in things that are happening around me. In short, I'm going to try to give myself the love and affection that he denies me. I refuse to live like this any more.
Sorry again for ranting but your story is very similar to mine. I won't compromise my moral integrity by having an affair and I can't leave but I need to do something for me. Why should anyone have to live feeling so utterly unloved and unimportant?

I understand the resentment about being off the market too. It's as though we're status symbols, like a car or a home, I really do think it's largely for show. I'm angry about it, but I have turned it on myself, overeating, sleeping too much, not looking after myself, and it's all because of him rejecting me.

I hope you find a way of getting what you need OP. Very best wishes to you

I would book some counselling if this was me op, and insist that you both see a therapist to work out what is happening.

Is he affectionate?

It is not enough to settle for the bills being paid and the fact he is pulling his weight at home, if in fact you are deeply dissatisfied with a lack of intimacy.

Bloody hell Pulya I could have written that straight from the heart myself, apart from the presents issue and our kids are different ages.

I too am 41 and in a sexless partnership, been together 11 years, engaged for 10 and never got round to getting married and sadly I'm glad about that.
I have a ds (16) from a previous relationship and we have a dd (8) together who he absolutely adores. He's a brilliant dad. Just not a brilliant partner.

Early on in our relationship he was very reluctant to have sex and couldn't climax when he did, even blaming me at one point for not being tight enough ( I didn't speak to him for days over that ) but turns out he was watching a lot of porn and could only climax when doing it himself at a speed that no woman could keep up with

He later admitted that he was a virgin until he met me, despite having a couple of relationships and even going on holiday with one for a week! Doesn't seem right to me.

We haven't had sex for around 9 months. I've always had a niggling feeling he may be gay. I just don't know anymore but sick of feeling so unloved.

Sorry for essay.

There is such a thing as sex therapy. Would you not consider it? At least find out what's really going on.

I didn't have a sexless marriage but since I was widowed 15 months ago after 14 years of marriage, I have found out so much about myself sexually, I feel like a different person. I feel very sad that I didn't find out a lot of this stuff with my husband. And we could have done, we just didn't. That's a shame i think.

To add- I also have chronic pain and tiredness, fibromyalgia and other issues.

He always blames tiredness or the fact that ds is in his room which is next to ours.
Irony here is ds went abroad last summer for a week with his dad and nothing changed. He sleeps downstairs every single night :(

Thank God there really are people who understand!!
I'm so sorry we are all stuck in these positions, for my part I going to build myself and my children up, I will remain polite and friendly but that's it! I'm fed up of being rejected. No more. We all need to take good care of ourselves. It's interesting that many of us are coping with severe illness, I think that the atmosphere around us is so toxic our bodies are reacting to it. I'm going swimming later for the first time in years, I need to try to get well. to OP and everyone else.

Zoflora, I suspect whoever he is was with, he would be the same, the issues are with him, not you.

Sunflower

I would argue that he has broken up your family unit already by his actions.

You may well survive this physically but mentally it will break you completely.

What is all this about him taking you off the market?. You were never for sale.

Is divorce too far beyond the pale for you?. What are you afraid of?

I would urge you not to stay for the sake of the children; its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them, the knowledge that you stayed because of them. And they won't thank you for doing so either because they could also go onto accuse you of putting him before them. Children are perceptive and do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here. One day also your kids will leave home, what then for you and your H if you are still together then?. Do not be afraid of change and the unknown here.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. He is in no way a fantastic father to his children because he treats you as their mother as his beard; you are his respectability here. He has not ever been honest with you has he in that he has seemingly not told you why there is a lack of sex. And this is his issue, not yours to carry for him. If he is gay then he needs to tell you. It is wrong on all levels to keep you in this hole he has partially dug for you. Do not grow flowers in this hole for him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here. I would not want to remain with such a man and you sell yourself short for and in doing so. Such a relationship is no lesson to leave your children as a model, what are they learning about relationships from you both here?.

It's really upsetting reading these messages all I wish us things get better soon x

Atilla, your post is certainly food for thought. I will be thinking about it and mulling it over

It's really sad to read everyone's posts, and realise how many are experiencing this.

OP you will need to decide if this is a life you can lead, and build sound coping mechanisms, counselling as suggested is probably a good idea.

I recently left a relationship due to this issue, I couldn't deal with the constant rejection, feeling unloved,loss of confidence and just feeling alone. It was destroying me and my mood suffered as a result making the relationship very unhappy.

Leaving was the hardest thing I've done, and am working on rebuilding myself. Good luck to everyone on this thread however you decide to deal with it.

A very low sex drive does not reflect on the partner, it is possible to love the partner deeply but not to be sexually attracted.
It maybe that therapy can help with this, but you may have to accept that it may not and find coping strategies e.g. pleasuring yourself.
Don't for one moment think you are not lovable, don't try and work out why your partner doesn't want sex with you. It is not personal.

Tum...I mostly agree. In my case ex decided unilaterally that sex was off the table. No discussion. He resented being married with kids and used sex as a weapon to beat me with.

Yes there is masturbation, but spending years in a bed next to someone who disliked me was really traumatic. I did realise after we split that his reactions to me were his to own and/or choose to ignore. Unfortunately he chose the path of least resistance and here I am, still paying for decisions I made in good faith.

Sod it though, he had my past but ain't getting my future. OP I can only suggest taking good care of you and, when the time comes to truly decide, you'll be in a place of strength either way.

Get yourself a FWB.....it will boost your self esteem and give you the self worth to make a choice to stay with him as they are keeping your friend of course.....or split up and give yourself the chance of meeting someone who desires you and wants to sleep with you

Wow PulyaSochsup thanks so much for sharing that with me, i really appreciate it & yes we have a lot in common in our situations. I am so sorry to hear you are being dismissed like that, you deserve much better, as do I. I hear you big time on the need for self-care and self-love. I have started to try get my weight under control i am carrying about 9kg more than i used to have, i have been caring a lot less about my figure and my body, just because well whats the point ?? But that is starting to change now, slowly! I need to feel good for me. I do feel so incredibly lonely though. I starve for some form of touch, i would just love to be cherished in that way. I had a dream last week that i can't shake off. In the dream i was 'out'. Like at a party or something. I was sitting outside a place chatting to a guy. I was talking & he was mesmerised. I felt so adored. And then i woke up. The dream was so vivid that when i woke up I cried.

Atila thank you...what am i afraid of, thats a great question. I am not afraid of being on my own. In fact i look forward to it. I think my plan at the moment is to separate once the kids are older. I love my home i have invested so much energy into it and i fear if i break up the marraige it will be me that has to move out ?? What if he gets to keep the kids and i don't see them every day? When the kids are older all these things will be easier ? Although my youngest is only 6 and every time i think of staying until he is 18 & i will be 58 at that point...yikes. I go over & over & over it in my head on a daily basis. I have several options.
Do nothing
Do nothing for now but plan to leave later
Have an affair
Separate now
All have pros and cons.
I had no idea married life could be like this. I dreamed my whole life of getting married, its what i wanted more than anything , & have kids in that context. I believed that within that safe bubble of marriage, all could be experienced & enjoyed. I feel now that getting married was the worst thing i have ever done

Thank you everyone for the lifeline you have offered me here. I was so nervous about posting anything. Only 2 of my friends in real life know of my situation & none of my family do. Its a relief to have been able to share this & it does make me feel more 'normal' knowing that others are going through similar situations and worries. FWB would not work for me i don't think as i strongly associate sex with love, its a deeply intimate experience and i think i would just fall in love with that FWB and set off all sorts of other problems. Plus I would not be able to have sex with someone who was in a relationship with someone else, as I couldn't be responsible for damaging someone elses relationship. I think for me the couples counselling will be a good thing to try, more to see if we can figure out how to live together without resentment, and self care will be good for me too. My self esteem is quite low naturally enough due to knowing hpw unattractive i am to the one man i have chosen to marry. Even as i write this he is snoring his head off with his back to me, having eaten a lovely meal that i cooked, and drank 2 lovely bottles of local artisan cider that i bought him, on a holiday that i organised, booked and paid for. Go figure

Also in a sexless relationship. Together 20 years, I'm 41. 18 years of screwing our brains out then I had two emergency surgeries and have been riddled with pain since. Yet it's DP who seems to have put up a wall. The physical, and I guess emotional, intimacy disappeared literally overnight.

I too cannot separate love from sex so going outside the relationship isn't going to happen, not that anyone would have me and separation due to us both having substantial disability realistically isn't going to happen either.

I've no idea how to resolve this either.

Sorry, I have no answers but wanted to share. You're not alone, as this thread shows.

SimplySteveRedux thank you for your comment. That sounds so tough. I don't have any of the answers either but i am just trying to figure out how to cope. I used to get much more upset about it, i would challenge him on this and we'd argue and I would cry. We have had so many conversations where I have explained how this affects me, and he has listened very carefully. But then nothing changes. He is either just not attracted to me ( which is so depressing) or he has a very low libido. The idea i am not attractive is verh damaging because it makes me feel that no one else would want me either