Help please! Will I lose my little boy?

[thisisfuckingbad]

I've recently discovered that my husband has a secret other life and is bisexual. He has been routinely unfaithful throughout the marriage. I've filed for divorce but he is refusing to leave the house and saying that he has every right to 50/50 custody of our 2 year old. I took a full year's maternity leave, get up every morning with him, organise all activities/ playdates, pick him up from nursery, bath him etc. etc. All of which I love. He does occasional bedtimes and drops him off at nursery every day (this is a 10 minute job - we live very close to nursery).
I don't want to stop him seeing his son at all but the idea of losing him for half the time or more breaks my heart. I've arranged an appointment at mediation to try and move things forward but I'm terrified of what will happen.
He's starting to say that I'm controlling, dominating, neurotic and an unfit mother, none of which he said before. I feel like my world is falling apart. Will I lose my beautiful little boy?

I do truly feel for you, what your husband has done is awful however he is equally your sons parent as much as you are and you should always start off with 50/50 custody and go from there.
Your need to be with your son, doesn’t top his need to be with his son.

It is likely a judge would grant a fair split in custody if both parents are fit... have you tried offering weekends and 1 night in the week? X

Sending a handhold. I don’t want to say it will definitely not happen but from what you have said, you are your son’s primary carer and the court would take that into consideration during any custody decisions. Good luck.

I did HJWT. He said 50/50 was the least he expected. I can't bear it

I suspect that when the reality of 50-50 custody hits, he may not be so keen. Have you seen a solicitor?

I feel your pain. You need to see a lawyer. And mediation.

You need to get a solicitor, he chose to end the marriage with what he has done to you, you are the main care giver also so a judge may give him every other weekend and 1 day in the week for stability x

Oh OP this is hideous isn’t it...

My understanding is that it’s unusual for younger children to be subject to 50/50 splits in that way- but I’m no expert.

There some evidence that whilst 50/50 works well for older children, it’s harmful for young children- you should be able to find stuff online if you google which might bolster your case with your ExH directly- if he knows it’s not in the child’s best interests.

Sorry you both had a child and both love your child!! Why do you think your need is more then his fathers.

Why don’t you. Sit down with your ex and ask him what he actually wants? Are you going to sell the house or is it rented? Does he want every other weekend Friday night till Monday morning, with maybe every Wednesday night? Does he want two weeks holidays in the summer? Does he want a week at Easter? Does he want to swap Christmas and new year every other year? You need to work together so your son grows up a happy child that knows that both his parents love him and are not battling over him!!

50/50 would allow you to work and rebuild a life without him. He won’t get more than that, and perhaps less. If you’re in a profession that doesn’t work weekends, ensure he has your son during the week, and you can alternate weekends.

Most men don’t really want 50/50 custody, once they realize how much work it is.

You don’t own your child.
It’s that simple.
You do what’s in the best interest of your child. And you start from there
Working together

As much of a cunt he is. That’s what you need to do.

Try your best to get it sorted through mediation . The child comes first . They will take the age into account . Try and separate what he has done from childcare . If you end up going to court look at legal aid as fast as you can because otherwise there are no winners except the solicitors.

I absolutely know that I don't own my so and that he deserves a positive relationship with his father. I just want him to be cared for and looked after. My husband has never taken him to the dentist, doctor, never bought his clothes, never even cut his finger or toe nails. He doesn't make his meals, get up in the night if he needs anything. He went into his room one morning as he was crying while I was in the shower (I always get up early so I'm ready before he wakes) and didn't notice that his pillow was covered in blood from a burst ear drum. He's so young to be with someone who I know loves him but who can't care for him like I do.

So sorry to hear OP, what an awful situation you’re having to deal with.
Agree with the PP who says dads often don’t want 50/50 when they realise how much work it is and how their life will change. My ex-h was a classic example of this, he also wanted 50/50 and became very controlling and aggressive about access and shared care when we split, but it was much more about ‘winning’ than the reality of bringing up our young son, and how that would fit round his busy job, restrict his new lifestyle etc etc. Very very hard at the time but I basically let things play along and he gradually realised he was better off with EOW and holidays than a fully shared arrangement. Like you, my DS was also very young and I’d been his primary carer, plus his dad was pretty ineffective really and I couldn’t see how he would step up.

Four years on, we’ve worked out a pattern that works but he still hasn’t really stepped up. There’s no way 50/50 would ever have worked on a reasonable level and it would have been a disaster for DS.
Good luck.

It will be ok. Move out with your son and try to get the access sorted immediately so he has to return the child after visits.
Your ex will learn how to care for your child, and remember he loves him too, and will take good care of him. It's unlikely he will get 50/50 straight away so just relax and try to be positive. Your ex is just trying to upset you, so don't let him. Be nice and suggest he does a bit more caring of your son while you still live there so your son gets used to it.