Accidentally said something offensive to someone i am becoming good friends with...how bad is this?

[user50000a]

I have been getting on really well with a new friend...don't want to say where we met as it would be outing!

anyway today we are chatting away at her house, her husband is there with her little boy. me and her are talking about my online dating and she's looking at the tinder profiles saying she will swipe on my behalf... all very jokey.

her husband is chatting away to her son in the other room and she says what about him? (the profile guy has a tattoo). i said does her husband have a tattoo...she says no.. i then say ok god i HATE tattoos. she laughs and carries on looking at the profiles.

i just got in my car and remembered that she has a bloody tattoo! i feel terrible and im really worried i may have ruined the friendship. shes generally a very relaxed, open minded person, she is always up for a laugh...but i would never want to actually offend her. i also feel like theres no way back from this either. am i being over the top or is this as bad as i imagine?

If your friend was me I wouldn’t be offended

I have tattoos, I don’t expect all my friends to like them

That’s not bad at all.

You were not trying to offend her.

You hate tattoos, that’s fine.

I have tattoos and if someone said that to me it wouldn’t even cross my mind

You are allowed to like different things. And what you find unattractive in a sexual partner is not what you find attractive in a friend.

I’d have taken that as you don’t fancy guys with tattoos rather than you don’t approve of them full stop. I think you can still salvage it!

She will have realised it was just an off-hand jokey comment. And you were referring to men anyway, tattoos on a bloke are not everyone's cup of tea. You weren't commenting on hers.

It's all good! Text her and thank her for having you over and was great to see her. And that's it, don't think about it again.

It's fine. Not fancying men with tattoos isn't the same as judging all people who get tattoos. I don't like men with long hair and I wouldn't think twice about saying this to a woman with long hair. It doesn't sound like she's the sort of person to take offence at a tiny thing like that so you're good.

Do you always overthink things?

thank you for the replies! i feel a bit better now!

it was the way i said it that i keep going or... i HATE tattoos. i feel like she will definitely think i don't like them in general on men or women. but yes it was said in the context of dating.

ahhh overthinking aren't i. i would never ever want to offend someone like that or be rude.

thanks for the posts i do feel calmer now!!

i was thinking of texting her or mentioning it next time i see her...but really what can i say!!

No need to mention it. She wouldn’t card and probably didn’t register as insulting when she heard you say it so would be long forgotten

I have a dear friend who finds the coffee I make her undrinkable and makes her own when she visits me. It's fine, not offended, it's a matter of taste (I like it a lot less strong). This is similar, IMO. She'd have to be quite hard work - harder than I'd be prepared to undertake, in a new friendship - for this to seriously offend.

I’m an over thinker and this is 100% something I would worry about - but we all do it. I jokingly referred to being a golf widow to a new colleague and then remembered someone had told me her husband had passed away a few years back. It was a Friday, I panicked all weekend and came in and apologised on Monday. She told me to stop being so damn silly and we had a cup of tea. I do get it op but honestly I’m sure it’s fine

I once told my friends little girl never to get a tattoo because they look awful when you get older. Her grandfather was standing nearby ..... and you guessed it.

I felt dreadful and was bright red the rest of the party😬😬

I think she'd probably mostly have taken it as you hating tattoos on a man/partner.

If she did take it as you hate them in general; she didn't seem very offended by it, but if you want you can always say 'sorry I spoke without thinking, I didn't mean to offend you - if I did offend you. it's up to anyone if they want to get them, I just don't like them in men etc'.

I always laugh thinking about that female comedian/panellist Roisin things my saying sometimes she thinks with her - ahem - nether regions when getting involved with men and has had to tell herself "stop, what are you thinking, he has a neck tattoo FFS!"

• Roisin Thingamy - too lazy to look up her surname.

Conaty

You could get a tattoo to cover your tracks.

Yes, you need to get a full sleeve. And a neck tattoo.

Not remotely offensive! Don’t worry about it

Don't mention it. "Least said soonest mended" is my motto.

I’d message her and say “I’ve just realised you’ve got a tattoo, so sorry wouldn’t want to offend you”. I wouldn’t be offended although I’d of said at the time “whoops I do have one”

Don’t message her and never mention it again, there’s a saying “least said, soonest mended” you are being way too over sensitive and massively over thinking. If you keep being this weird you will lose her. Brush it off and try being more resilient. People tend to not like over sensitive friends as they just get too hard to be around. Always having to watch what you say. My best friends we say what we think and we rib each other constantly. Life’s too short to be friends with dull, pleasers. Do not message her. If she’s the type to flick through your tinder profile then she won’t be offended by a tattoo comment.

Your comment might come across to her as a bit narrow minded. I don’t have tattoos but some of my close family members and friends have them and they’re people you might not expect to have tattoos when you first meet them as they’re not visible. They’ve had them for different reasons eg in memory of someone, to cover a burn mark, as well as simply liking them. When people make a blanket statement about hating tattoos, suspect they might mean extreme and obvious ones but it still comes across as a bit inflexible and closed minded.

Suspect your friend isn’t at all offended or bothered but take a leaf out of her book and be open minded, I think you should reconsider the tinder tattoo man because if you judged your fab new friend by her tattoo you might never have got to know her!

You didn’t say I hate tattoos because people who have them are horrible people.

If you had said that then you have a problem.

That wouldn’t bother me, I have a tattoo and I don’t expect everyone to like it.
Also the comment was about guys you’d date, not friends you’d have. Very different.

I’d apologise though, because I don’t like sitting on things.