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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Accepting the OW

16 replies

ambushed · 26/05/2019 21:08

It's been a tough couple of years.

My faith in people has been massively shaken.
My so called best friend admitted to an affair with my 'd'h.
It was nearly a decade ago but she decided that I needed to know about it at one of the most difficult times of my life. She knew that too. I was definitely in traumatic shock after the bombshell. Shaking constantly for about two weeks, couldn't get warm, couldn't eat, couldn't think etc. I'm shaking now writing about it 18month on.

My relationship with DH is not what this thread is about however but it is relevant.

Following discovery of said affair I ran to my big sister who admitted my BIL had cheated on her.

My mum then admitted that my dearly departed father had tried to engage a prostitute at one time- I take that with a pinch of salt as my mum has a history of one upmanship.

The only man left in my life with any decency was my big brother - foolish me.

Big brother was married to a harpy, a vile obnoxious woman who made family gatherings deeply unpleasant but we bit our tongues and smiled sweetly too for my big brothers sake.
Big brother is the worst of the lot. He's been cheating on the harpy most of their married life(possibly why she is how she is).
He has finally left her for a woman he's been seeing for years and years.

Now I know there is some transference on my part. My dh and I are working things out, I have no contact with my ex BFF. But I am so angry with my brother.
He (we)allowed the harpy to ruin so many family events because we wanted him around. my mum would run around making dinner and preparing to see him when he said he was coming only to cancel last min- while he saw the OW.

He is now on a campaign to make us accept this OW into the fold. When he told me what had been going on I was still very raw, I told him everything and that I wasn't ready to be accepting an affair partner.

She has met my sister and BIL who say she's my nicer than harpy and he ambushed us at water with a surprise visit home.
We live with mum and our two preteen children. I was not happy. He didn't really even introduce her it was so awkward.
They came again today but I was able to be out all day.
Mum is now on the make me feel guilty for not accepting her jag and I'm feeling cornered and angry.

Growing up I wasn't even allowed a male friend in my room and she wants me to feel bad that I don't want them to stay in my house, they'd have to sleep in my daughters bed FFS.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 26/05/2019 21:11

I think if you live in your mums house she can invite who she likes round, not sure if I've understood properly though.

ambushed · 26/05/2019 21:16

No we jointly own the house with her.

OP posts:
liitlepenguin · 26/05/2019 21:17

I stopped all sympathy after your repeated use of the word harpy to describe some poor woman who your brother has been cheating on for god knows how long

ambushed · 26/05/2019 21:19

When I was a teen at home my sister and BIL had to have separate room when they stayed even though they lived together.

No I'm getting - big brother is going to a hotel when they come next time because they don't feel welcome here. You sister thinks she's nice.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 21:19

OP, do you think you have a toxic family system?
One which "goldenchilds" some and "scapegoats" others?

Was your brother a golden child (and his ex a scapegoat)? Where do you think you would fit in?

ambushed · 26/05/2019 21:20

My ex SIL is an unpleasant woman. Harpy perfectly describes her.

OP posts:
UnicornDust9 · 26/05/2019 21:21

Do you live with your mum or does she live with you?

UnicornDust9 · 26/05/2019 21:22

If you jointly own the home then you have no right to tell her who comes and goes.

I’m also guessing your a grown adult now so talking about when you were a teen is just petty.

PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 21:25

Do you ever wonder what years of cheating (particularly the behind-closed-doors abuse and gaslighting that entails) may have contributed to SIL's harping? Have you considered that your brother might not be just a cheater but also psychologically abusive? Long term shaggers don't tend to be lovely husbands in private. They need to keep the little woman in her place with mind games (and more). Otherwise she'd leave, wouldn't she?

ambushed · 26/05/2019 21:25

Brother was definitely golden child but if you seen the way everyone tiptoed around his ex you wouldn't say she was a scapegoat. She would say and do the most jaw droppingly rude and inappropriate things like I hate babies when I said I was finally pregnant. People outside the family would be so shocked at her behaviour and ask why we put up with it. Simply put if we didn't we didn't see him. If I stayed a threat about their relationship people would be calling her abusive. I tried to reach out after he dumped her as did my sister but the abuse we got back was just not worth it.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 26/05/2019 21:26

I think you are upset because the scales are falling from your eyes and you are being forced to see your family system how it really is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/05/2019 21:30

You clearly hate ex SIL so maybe the new woman is nicer and you’ll like her more. If you live with your mum who wants to continue a relationship with your brother I doubt you can avoid her forever.

Veterinari · 26/05/2019 21:37

It’s not your brother’s girlfriend’s fault that your brother and your husband are disrespectful cheating arseholes. Stop scapegoating the women who enter your family for the terrible behaviour of the men that you’re choosing to accept

I suspect a lot of your hurt and anger should be directed at your brother and husband - ask yourself why you daren’t Be honest about how you feel towards them?

category12 · 26/05/2019 21:38

People do shitty things sometimes. I think you really need to deal with your own stuff. Are you sure you want to stay with a man who did that to you?

Snappedandfarted2019 · 26/05/2019 21:56

Totally weird step up living with you're mother you have pre teens and a husband you need to have your own living space you're far too old to still being living with you're mum regardless if its co owned you're setting yourself for a fail, you have no right to forbid family for coming around. You don't like you're brothers ex the new partner is suppose to be nice so what's the problem. If you can forgive you're husband for dicking about with you're mate then you're a hypocrite for expecting you're family not to polite and welcoming of you're dbro new partner. The issue is you're not over the fact you're husband had an affair and you're projecting you're issues onto you're brother.

Userplusnumbers · 26/05/2019 22:00

OP - this really isn't about your brothers new partner at all, and you know that - if you want to be angry at someone, direct it to the person you're angry at - your own husband.

These situations are never as black and white as they appear, perhaps you'd benefit from some counselling to help unpick some of the complexity?

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