Hi everyone. First post. I've been married for 24 years. in our 2/3rd year of marriage, husband had a brief fling at work - we were under strain, living with my parents. Anyway, I forgave him, we worked through it. Bought a house, had our son. After another 2 years, we lost a baby. While I was depressed and struggling, he had to go back to work. He had another little encounter - not sure what went on, but this time he didn't own up until I found out about it myself. Again, we moved on. Looking back now, I think that I had too much to deal with and so I didn't deal with his behaviour. I brushed it all aside. Still, we've been happy for years since. But then about 2 years ago, I sensed something soon after he joined a local group - became friendly with a younger woman. I don't think she had any designs on my husband, but I've come to realise that my OH craves attention. And usually it's female! He's a flirt and he openly admits it -and apologises. Anyway, I've never snooped on him, ever. So one day I did. I discovered that while he was working nights (HGV driver), after calling me to say goodnight, he was making calls to one or 2 female facebook friends. On one or two occasions he couldn't get hold of one of them, so he left her a very nice voicemail over messenger. It was all just friendly, but a bit much in my opinion - especially as he never told me about it. I found it secretive. Then I discovered a few old mobile phone bills, from 10 years ago, (before he went paperless) and I was surprised by how many calls he made in a typical day or evening, while out working (again, hgv driver). More surprisingly, I noted a certain landline number crop up virtually every day when he was working, and it was called day and even late evening - three hundred miles away! When I asked him he said he couldn't remember and even suggested it was me. I never had a contract phone then. I don't know the number and the area was Durham - we don't have friends or family there. So, I'm left thinking it's another facebook friend/old school friend and he doesn't want me to know. He says he can't keep track of what he did last month - well I'm the same, but I think I'd remember if I was calling the same person to chat to virtually every day. And no, I didn't check his bills back then. It just seems that the more I look, the more I find. The problem is, I've become really anxious and depressed. My life/work is affected, as is the relationship. My husband has apologised for his behaviour (which also included numerous cheeky/flirty comments on facebook pics/posts -all women). He said that he's an open book - I can check his phone/pc anytime. He says I have to talk about what's on my mind. But when I do, he becomes defensive. What I should say is, this began almost 18 months ago. It's a long time. I have started counselling because of it, but it's not great, not helping so far. I do love him and know he loves me, but I have been left shocked by some of his outbursts when we've been having discussions. He has shown himself to be a different person. Some days I'm ok,others I'm a mess, fixated on what he'd doing, who he's talking to, etc. And he's a joker- that's how he gets through life, as he always says, but it doesn't help me right now. I guess he is tired of me being mistrustful, as he says he can't help being defensive when I ask him about things. But I just have this need to know everything, to understand. I can talk rationally about it all still, whereas he can't. It's worse when he's at work - he rings me often, but if I say the wrong thing or something that he feels is an accusation or a complaint, he literally jumps down my throat and it really hurts. Worst of all, since this all began, I've had that awful, feeling that something was wrong, or had happened.
I don't know what I can do. I feel negative about the counselling as I'm no better. I know there are no quick fixes. I have to learn to trust him all over again. The worst of it is that all our life together he's disliked me going out with friends, so when we moved away from home, that ended and he didn't have to worry. I gave up work, so no friends as such. He's always said, it's not you I don't trust, but other men!! I feel cheated because he clearly felt that I (the little woman) was safe and sound at home, while he could go out and about and call and talk to whoever he chose (without disclosing fact to me). Now it seems I've stopped all of his social chats, and I do wonder if this is why he's so stressy with me. I didn't stop anything by the way, he immediately cut all ties with certain people. And they weren't real friends - they were people he'd only met once, often while doing his job, never saw them again. And he used to friend everyone on Facebook. I was surprised he'd do that though, so much so that I did begin to wonder if he uses a spare sim to phone his friends. I'd never know.
There's such a lot here already so I'll stop now. I really would appreciate any advice. Thanks.