How to pull back kindly

[lavieenrose2000]

I've name changed for this one folks. A different unrelated issue that I need help with if you will help and advise me please . I'll keep it really short as I need to do this later on this evening . Basically I need to pull right back on contact with a long term friend . He is on a relationship that while started casual is getting serious . His amount of contact is only getting higher and the content could be seen as inappropriate as he is very emotional and demonstrative and I feel that out of respect for their flourishing relationship, it's only proper to step away . I could not see any woman tolerating it in the future and I don't want to draw any negative attention on me .It is for my selfish reasons too. I don't want any trouble and want to keep low level contact . However, for many reasons, I know that he will try to prevent this. He enjoys the emotional crutch , attention and ego stroke that our friendship brings him a bit too much at times and he can be a tad draining . Help me to express this simply and succinctly , with kindness .thanks

Anyone?? A simple , light text is what I would like to send . Please?

I would just tell him straight. Tell him you're pleased he has a new gf and you're stepping back a bit to make sure she knows nothing inappropriate is happening between you. If he contacts you, arm's length is the way to go. He can't make an emotional crutch out of you if you refuse to play that game and disengage.

Thanks. I can't bear to hurt him. Sometimes I think he is too dependant in support from me and his issues need to be supported by his girlfriend . She certainly wouldn't like the level of contact and I would not blame her

How would I write it

Hi Lavie you are entitled to pull back. Are you in a relationship or has he stopped you from being in one. It doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship and sounds all about him. Is he narcissistic and are you co dependent. It’s not a criticism.
He sounds like he has limited boundaries.
Can you not let the friendship fizzle out if that’s what you want. If you want to remain friends then something like “I think we need space so you can develop your new relationship” - others maybe along with something more sophisticated!

Look I guess he does have poor boundaries . Would not say narcissist but certainly self Absorbed and needs a kick up the arse every now and AgAin . He loves the ego stroke and attention . He gets upset when I pull back or need a rest from him . This is such a good opportunity to detach , I really want to use it without hurting him . He is a lovely man but probably does need a constant supply of attention and contact. I'm wrecked from him and wAnt to leave him to it

I would make it more about being your choice as opposed to being about his relationship. Just say something like you have above that the level of contact is too much for you so you are making a decision to dial it back for your own good.

Why are you scared of his reaction? You need to look after your needs first and he is responsible for his. It sounds a bit like there’s a bit of codependency going on in your head.

He has never prevented me from being in a relationship but never talks about our relationships despite seeing eachother every single day! The level of contact he has with me is a secret with his girlfriend , I've just cottoned on, and I don't need the hassle. She is not somebody I want to cross . I Actually feel elated ... is that crazy??

It's because we have to work together in a small team every single day and work is one of my great loves. I don't want hassle

Can you be really busy with work/ill family member or something and tell him you don’t have time to do anything at the moment.

Just text or tell him something along the lines of ' I don't think your gf would like the amount of contact we have , so I'm cutting it down, I don't want to be blamed for your relationship not working ' . If he keeps contacting you, I 'd really think about not replying or even blocking him. He needs to respect your wishes.

Thanks for the suggestions. I'm going to try some of those. I know from the past that he doesn't take kindly to being ignored!!

And I know it's me. I am a bit soft and feel guilty then

His reaction to your healthier boundaries is his problem, just remember that.

People like this are like the Dementors from Harry Potter but in disguise, they suck all the energy out of you in order to prop up their ego.

Better to focus on propping up yourself not him.

Research healthy boundaries and grey rock techniques as you may need it!

Definitely be busy and extremely boring to him. No positive attention, just basic statements, e.g. he messages, you say "hope you are ok, really busy with housework/gardening/ironing at the moment". Repeat and he will get more attention from GF and move on.

Don't put it on his girlfriend as that give him an excuse to end it, or if it ends naturally he will be straight back onto you.

Try and withdraw with leaving it longer and longer to reply.
Shorter replies.

If he challenges you on it just keep saying you are busy and anyway surely you are busy with your gf.

Good luck.

we have to work together in a small team every single day

All the better for setting boundaries-you realise that it’s important to keep your relationship professional - you could include that in your message

All you have to say is that you are very busy,no need for any worries or drama.

With a huge amount of respect to you all for taking time to respond, I have tried all of this before. It has led to increased contact so while I may be a coward , I think that using his relationship as an excuse to run , it's the one tactic I haven't taken yet . I am a sucker for punishment but I despise awkwardness and love my job . I need to be selfish and make it easier on me . Does that sound crass ???

I want to be the coward here . I expect a message from Him tonight. He will say how wonderful his weekend was and wonderful his girlfriend blended in with his family . So this is my chance . I know that there will be a back lash and he will be extremely disappointed with me . He likes to have many female friends ' on the go' so to speak and I'm shattered from him. We would be incredibly close . This is my out . Thanks everybody

"Hi, I am uncomfortable with contact from you. Please do not contact me again"

If he contacts you again, you repeat the same text entirely with the addition of 'if you contact me again I will call the Police. " Follow through when he contacts you. Every time.

And of course, block him on all social media.

Don;t worry if you have some deleted messages. You'll probably soon have more

Or yes, OP, carry on acting the way you have up to now, and keep on getting the reaction you've always got so far.

If you thought you were coping so well, then why post?

I don't see the need to be nasty . I see this as an opportunity to see him off and live his own life and stop depending on me to lift him up. Doesn't matter what I say or advise him, he does the opposite

Having read the thread, I'm not sure what else you want posters to say? Is there more to this?

Nothing more