Some insight into the world of dating...

[Icecreamlover123]

Hi ladies,

Backstory: Left an abusive relationship of 10 years, 6 months ago. Have 3 yr old child.

Finally, I feel really happy and content with my life, everyone kept saying when you going to start dating, and its never been at the forefront of my mind. Until I met a guy and we went on our third date yesterday.
He's the only person I've ever been on a date with (apart from ex!) and I'm basically just after some insight /advice on how to deal with dating and men! I feel like I dont have a clue what I'm doing.
Throughout the first and second date we were drinking at bars and I began to really like him, hes gorgeous looking and very nice and warm personality. But then I wasent sure if it was the alcohol and I had my beer goggles on.
Then yesterday we went on a spa day (so zero alcohol involved, only herbal tea haha) and felt like I connected with him on a much deeper level. Feel so much chemistry and a massive spark. His body language said he was interested, we just laughed the whole day and light hearted banter it was good fun. He's been divorced for 2 years and has 2 kids and we both said we want to take life less serious and talked about going out again at weekends and exploring lots of good places and having a laugh together.
on the way home in the car he said we have such a great spark.
I have not stopped thinking about him all day to the point where I cant be productive and get anything done!! Its only been 3 dates!! Why? Surely this cant be normal. He hasent text today (busy with his kids) and I'm just waiting for him to message (feel sad haha), as it was always me saying I didnt want a relationship.
Dont know what I want to get out of this post,/ but does anyone else have similar experiences. Did it go well or not?

How did you meet him OP? On a dating app? What is his recent dating history like? There is a dating thread where they are experienced on reading between the lines.

Hi, thanks for the message, where is the dating thread? I met him on a dating app ye. I asked him about his dating history. He divorced 2 years ago and said he thought he was ready to start dating 6months after ut realised he wasent ready so stayed single. And I asked him yesterday if he had been on many dates and he said a couple but theyve just fizzled out.

He sounds like a perfectly normal lesbian.

lesbian???

A spa for date 3??

I don't want to piss on your parade by but victims of abuse tend to end up with another partner who is abusive. We send out signals somehow that they home in on and start live bombing and future faking. You sound a bit infatuated and that's easy to be after an abusive relationship.

Tread carefully. It's only been 6 months. Have you had any therapy to work through what went on in your previous relationship? It's worth doing? I personally found this forum amazing for insight into things.

@Motherof3feminists Yes I had therapy after last relationship and read up a lot of literature on the impact of emotional abuse and joined few support groups online. That is a worry of mine that I wouldnt be able to spot red flags, but I do feel a lot more aware. I have taken a lot of time to work on my self development and feel very happy and in a good place.

I told him when we first I wasent looking for a serious relationship, just some lighthearted fun, drinks at weekend etc etc.
Hes 10 years older than me which made me a little hesitant at first but I've not had any other red flags or bad vibes yet, but then I suppose after a third date not going to be visible.

No, it takes a long long time to get to know someone properly. Until then you are just seeing how it goes. Don't start with near 100% investment and then have to adjust it (usually painfully); start with just enough investment to keep seeing him, if he meets you at least half way.

Infatuation is easy to fall into, but that's all if is. You don't know him.

I wouldn't say it is infatuation. It just felt great to have a spark with someone and we've done nothing but chat for hours and hours when we've met. Started to feel relaxed, which I didnt the whole time I was with ex! He seems quite into me on our dates, through body language etc. Doesn't text a lot in the day which is good because I didnt want to be bombarded, Its only dating and very early days.

How old are his children? How long married for?

It does sound like infatuation, try not to invest too much thinking time.consider how would you feel if you had sex and he ghosted you? How the spa come about as unusual 3rd date and quite intimate.

A spa day for a third date is really quite strange.

If it was your suggestion, I'd cut him some slack. If it was his idea, it's very peculiar to me. It's not a masculine activity and usually at the start of dating, both parties are trying to impress the other. Men are usually trying to appear as an attractive partner which encompasses displaying masculine attributes which women find attractive. I don't mean cave man stuff. I mean in a light touch way - so like taking you out to a smart restaurant for example.

A spa day as a date so early on slightly suggests to me trying to create an impression of excessive gentleness and feminity - my fear would be it's disguise for something - hiding an abusive or controlling nature. It's just too girlie and twee for a man to naturally organise that early on.

I'm NOT saying that no decent masculine man ever would do that - just that so early on at date three it seems super weird to me and I'd be on alert.

Think pps are maybe being a bit harsh.

Just be careful and enjoy yourself op

@PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic The spa day was a bit random, it was booked for me and friend but she couldnt make it last minute and I didnt want it to go to waste as cost quite a bit of money, so I asked him if he wanted to go with me. So yes all my idea. I thought it would be weird but felt like a good ice breaker as opposed to the drinking around bars.

@lifebegins50 his daughter is same age as my little girl just turned 4 and his boy 6. He was in a relationshp for 13 years and married for 11. and im 29 and hes 39

@managedmis thank you I've really enjoyed the dates so far, just nice to let my hair down and have a little fun and 'me' time at the weekend. The week days are hard work balancing a lot between single parenthood/ a PhD/ work. So look forward to these weekend dates

I'm glad it's not just me that'sabout a spa date on date 3. Date 3 is usually dinner or an activity isn't it? Somewhere public and where you can chat easily. I've never been to a spa but I imagine it's quiet and intimate and not a place for getting to know someone.

It's easy to be flattered by the attention and think the spark is really special but I feel quite creeped out by the spa.

I'm questioning both your boundaries but I'm very cautious these days and probably over cautious.

It just sounds all VERY normal.
Enjoy

You are infatuated with your impression of him - it's in your head.
When you get to know him you'll laugh at your idea of him.

Further on, try disagreeing with him about something and watch his reaction.

Be prepared to walk away.

@Motherof3feminists I wouldnt say it was a really intimate place, we went swimming in pool, sat in a jacuzzi and sauna and had a meal and chat. He kept a good distance from me, I like my personal space and he must have known not to cross that. I'm just acting as if hes a really good friend. I think with all the stress of my last relationship really impacting my life, I'm trying to not take life serious, just having lots of fun and laughter, and its a bonus I fancy him too!

Don't over invest just yet. I was lied to and love bombed and we spent hours talking every day for months. A few red flags that were easily dispelled and it's taken me a few months to get over him. Next time I'm going to go very slowly and at the first sniff of a red flag, I'll question it.

Cross post but now I'm definitely questioning your boundaries.

Going off your timings his divorce came through when his dd was just 2 so they must have split up around her first birthday? I'd be wondering why and I'd be reluctant to get involved with a man who had such young children. My ex's kids were 5 and 7 when we met and he'd been divorced for 3 years and separated longer. His kids were still processing the marriage break up and they weren't coping well. His kids might be fine but at just 4 and 6 I'd be wary. You both have young children who need a lot of your time.

I'm sorry I'm so negative but I've been bitten a few times since my divorce and have been in a similar situation to you.

@madroid I dont understand why this is infatuation, surely everybody who is in a happy relationship and content, it all started with a spark? and if it wasent meant to be...then just walk away? I don't understand the negativity with these posts, everybody seems super wary and cautious. Whats wrong with a little lighthearted fun?

OP - it's fine! Why are other posters being so negative? He obviously fancies you because he's investing a lot of his time in you and he's sending the right signals. Of course, there's no way of knowing if this will develop into a long term relationship, but so far, so good!

Enjoy, OP. I do agree you should try and and keep your own feelings under control if you can, simply because one never knows. But it all sounds great!

Btw, has he tried to kiss you? 😉

God, people are so cynical. You sound sensible, you are intelligent, have your eyes open and are getting some perspective. Just enjoy it, it sounds like he is, making friends with someone new is great. I would agree that you need to avoid getting too invested too soon though.

Op, I cannot see anything wrong with the way things are going. I would have hated a spa but it is because I hate them anyway, don’t like to show too much skin around ) You like each other, you seem to have the proverbial and elusive spark and are enjoying each other’s company.

Many friends (women and men) have very nasty things to say about OLD and you may get comments like the one above (Lesbian? What the actual fuck? That’s what I mean they are out to make you feel bad because they disapprove of OLD or have some dreadful experiences of it, so they don’t believe someone can actually find someone nice). Sad for all of us who have tried online dating for long, some people find the right person at the first try.

I would say that if you like him, things are going well, he is nice to you and the people around you, just enjoy it and go ahead with things. Just don’t move things very quickly, you need to move slowly to get to know more of him before you fall fully in love with him.

@Musti sorry to hear that, the good thing is he doesn't really text much when were working / or when were both busy with kids, only during the evening. So not constantly talking or texting.

@Motherof3feminists I have not crossed any lines, I have kept a distance and so has he. I was drinking for the first 2 dates and he had drunk quite a lot and he was very attentive to calling me a taxi and texting to make sure I got home safe. I thought that was quite gentleman like. Ive asked him about his divorce and he said it was a mutual decision they both just gave up on each other and oth unhappy with the relationship feeling like a chore.

He is 39 and Im 29 so quite a big age difference, I will keep my eye out for red flags

@PorridgeisYummy yay a positive post haha thank you! Yes exactly, I don't have a clue where this is going to go...but I'm just enjoying the ride, it could be fun while it lasts or might develop into something more one day. If I just act like hes my friend I don't feel nervous and everything feels fine. Yes he kissed me when he dropped me off haha.

@pog100 Thank you :) yes I defintley have my eyes open, not rushing anything, Im really busy in the week with my little girl, my Phd and my job and hes occupied in the week with his job, kids and friends, so just a meet up at the weekend and so far so good

@tanmateix Thank you i agree people have very negative experiences with OLD and people are very dubious when you mention where you met, but have to take it with a pinch of salt. Thanks for the positive message.