How can I help dh with his social anxiety?

[Izzabellasasperella]

After another week of arguments I could really do with some advice on how to help dh with with his social anxiety.
We like to go out once every 3/4 weeks, sometimes to the pub or to see a band. I am the one who organises it from suggesting it, texting friends to join us and arranging lifts/transport.
Every single time dh will start an argument about it in the run up which totally ruins my excited anticipation. He always without fail enjoys the night and is the life and soul of the party.
This is an example, I wanted to go to an all day music event. Asked she did he want to come, no worries if not. Yes he says so I bought the tickets and arranged a lift there and back so we could both have a drink. So I wanted to go at lunchtime and stay till 2 but realised that might be a bit much for dh so compromised with leaving at 5.30 back at 1. All dh did was moan and argue and catastrophise about every little thing. This morning he said you were right it was a great night. This happens every sodding time.
I've tried everything to avoid the rows, telling him he doesn't have to come(although I do want him to) Ignoring him, placating him, cutting back on the amount of nights, reminding him that he will enjoy it as he always does. Nothing seems to work. He says it is a form of nerves and social anxiety.
Is there anything I can do, short of never going out, but we have such fun together when we do.
He is a lovely husband (if a bit lazy sometimes 😀)

Tell him to get something like CBT to help him change his thought processes or try a chat with the gp if it's really bad. He needs to sort it himself, you can't fix it. It's not very nice to go through so don't be too hard on him.

You've taken all reasonable steps to try and fix this, so it's up to him now. Tell him that he needs to organise CBT sessions or even just read a book / watch a podcast that could give him some tips. He needs to take control.

I'd not survive if I only went out once every 3 or 4 weeks! I think you should arrange more of a social life for yourself in the meantime and when you make social arrangements that could involve him just make the arrangement and tell him he can come if he wants but don't engage with him about it any further. You don't need to negotiate with him - he's a grown up and can decide for himself. You don't need to do everything together and he can take care of himself and his need to be sociable or not.

He sounds like he does need counselling. But stop trying to accommodate him and have the life you want.

Maybe try going out more regularly. Just small things weekly. I know for myself the longer left between going out the harder it is and I can fill my head with loads of ideas of why I shouldn't go out or what could go wrong but once out it's fine and I realise I was being silly.
So kind of try and not give him time to fill back up with anxiety by doing small things outside.

Yeah I agree with@Huzzah8 smaller things are easier, the longer you leave things the worse it can get. But don't force it. Also there are some good cheap books about social anxiety and anxiety in general that might explain why he is acting the way he is. It can be very frustrating for the person not dealing with it but if you understand it it feels less personal etc.

It would be interesting to hear his view about this. Does he feel continually pressurised into agreeing to do lots of social things which you keep organising but he doesn’t really want to go to in order to keep you happy?

Would he attend any of these events if you didn’t push him into doing so?

I think you need to have a very honest talk about this. The best way to deal with his social anxiety may be for you to take the pressure off and for him to only agree to do the things he actually wants to do.

The only way he can fix it is through therapy.

Arrange most things without him - tell him just as it's time to get ready to go. Tell him you are going and he is welcome to join you - or not. So long as there aren't expensive tickets involved.

If he normally comes with you when you do this you could progress to even buying tickets and telling him just an hour before.

You could even tell him that you plan to do this - but at a time when you have just had a good time and he is feeling a bit more relaxed about things. He may even like the idea but if not he always has to option to not go with you. You may have to call his bluff once or twice and go on your own but so long as you have arranged to be with friends it should be doable.

It may be a bit of a pain to have to do all the organising like this but as you do it yourself anyway that isn't going to make much difference.

Your DH sounds like me. Poor man, I feel for him, it's horrible. More than likely he is aware and it drives him crazy.

Please just gently remind him of the services out there. But carry on as you are, you sounds lovely and very supportive.

Thank you so much for your replies. I'll try to answer your questions.
Does he feel continually pressurised into agreeing to do lots of social things which you keep organising but he doesn’t really want to go to in order to keep you happy? No, I always say he doesn't have to come if he doesn't want to and sometimes I do go on my own.
Would he attend any of these events if you didn’t push him into doing so? Not on his own no.
Telling him an hour before wouldn't work he just wouldn't come as he would have planned stuff to do, watching a film or doing his hobby.
CBT sounds interesting can that be done through reading books or YouTube?
I really could understand it more if he didn't enjoy the events.
I probably do want to go out more than him but I don't push him into anything.

Get some CBT. You can read books or watch videos but a lot of NHS districts have self referral for cbt/wellbeing. He might be offered some phone or online guided CBT. Check your GP's website or make an appointment.
www.wellbeingnands.co.uk/

He needs to be the one to make the phone call (or whatever) though OP - not you. Part of the process of working this kind of thing is deciding to tackle it in the first place. Just go out without him until he's ready to take that step.

My dh is the same. Started a row before I was due a load of friends round last week. I think it's jealousy, because he finds it hard and doesn't socialise. He was sat In another room despite parents visiting today, it is so so rude and pisses me of so much.

Are you intending to or do you have kids? Both my dh and I are socially ill at ease/socially anxious and my dh has refused to do anything with the dc - their parties or school events and now my elder dc is really struggling socially.

I’d talk to him about that aspect, it’s not only his life it affects and I’ve found it quite isolating as people expect couple based socialising more when you have dc.

If he’s treating you badly before events he really needs help anyway, that dynamic is only going to get worse when you have dc watching that behaviour.