The advice often given to LTB and find someone who appreciates you.

[Jaspermcsween]

I have a problem with this oft given advice.

By all means exit a relationship that has run its course .
But not in the belief there is a string of fabulous replacements out there.

Be single !

To advise people to leave so to “find someone who appreciates you “ or “you are worth more “ seems misguided.

I have several divorced friends who simply never meet eligible single potential partners. One of them definitely got divorced in order to meet someone better. That was 15 years ago. All her relationships since then have been affairs with married men.

I got out of a shit relationship a few years back, and I rather enjoy being single.

Better to be with no-one than the wrong one, but if someone amazing comes along I'll keep my options open :D

I think that’s a really good point.

The last thing many women need is another man when they have only just finished with the last one.

yetanotheruser that to me is exactly the right attitude !

All this “find someone who will treat you right “ nonsense.

I find it quite alarming actually.

Treating yourself right should have priority.

Totally agree. I am beginning to see life very differently after being married to a guy who ate away my self-esteem and left me riddled with self doubt 15 years on...

Quickly into a relationship with a "nice guy" who as it turns out was a narcissist, and then more recently a really great guy with whom it just didn't work out. But what I learned (from him) was that his life, identity and self-love came absolutely first.

And he expected the same of me. But I had been conditioned to please and fit around men. And that's now what I'm working on.

Who am I, what do I like, what do I want, what do I enjoy? And I'm just embracing that mindset and starting to fill my life with those things. I've joined meet-ups, signed up to events and arranged nights out and so on. Because men can/do come and go and I want my life to be great whichver way the wind blows in that respect.

I totally agree. If you leave, leave on the idea of making a good life of your new singledom.

Leaving to find some one better? Yes, sometimes you do, sometimes you don’t but either way is difficult, frustrating and complicated. Unless you are in your 20s and able to leave your mum to babysit do you keep going as if you are single, it is difficult to meet available men.

Big truth about about being realistic when trying to find someone when you are older: Everyone has a past, nobody is perfect and Prince Charming is still married to his princess.

Totally agree. Life with someone who abuses you and/or controls you wears you down in ways you don't fully realise when in the relationship. Get out and find how nice life can be without that. And do it for the sake of your kids too.
But you might not meet someone else that is decent. The harsh truth is decent men are not that common.

I am single for the first time in my life (long term relationships from age 17, now in my 50s.)

Yes it has taken a long time to adjust but I am now at the stage where I can see many advantages to being on my own and have no problem with it at all.

There is such an expectation to be coupled up that I never even questioned it until I divorced then had time to reflect on it all.

I think we are conditioned to think we are failing at life if we have not managed to partner up. It's as if the validation of another human is tangible evidence that we are worthwhile people. I spent many years trying to fit the mould but in the end realised that singledom suits me so much better. I am more confident and have better self esteem now that I am being true to myself which in turn means I'm more fun to be around.

I think it's a shame that good advice to leave a relationship that isn't working is so often followed by reassurance that a better relationship will follow and agree with PP that getting use to being single and finding out about who you are is a much better foundation for any future relationships you may have.

I think a lot do it for money reasons to be honest, had a single mum friend who was always on the dating sites and yet had a great life as a single mum and enjoyed it, asked her why and it was always about wanting the ‘support’ turns out the only support she was really interested in was financial which she admitted when pressed, problem was she didn’t want to work full time.

To be fair OP, is the subtext of such statements a sort of 'if' you're going to be with someone, be with someone who is worth it (because realistically the majority of individuals actively do want to be partnered). Or indeed, to demonstrate that not all individuals in the world are dickheads (like the one the advice asked is going out with). Someone who is staying with an abusive or unsuitable partner must to some extent feel there are reasons they like being with another person.

Treating yourself right and also being assertive about what you might look for in a partner aren't mutually exclusive either.

I'm more than happy being single, I bloody love it actually and have never looked for a man or settled. Theres little better than the total freedom of only being accountable for oneself and dropping the misconception that we are worth more if we have a romantic partner because they think we are good enough to go out with. There is limited point making it about men either; not all relationships are male/female.

With that all said each persons preference is their own, it isn't a feminist statement to be single, nor does it mean you need the positive opinions of a man if you crave a relationship with one. Real freedom is doing exactly what you want to do, either way. It's just different lifestyle choices.

The only thing stopping me being single is MONEY.
I NEVER want to be with another man. It just wouldn't happen. For me, my dream is single and self supporting, working and living in a small place in a safe pleasant area with some savings and a little spare after bills. Enough to care well for my daughter and give her a good, safe life.
There are no delusions of someone better out there for me.

I think we are conditioned to think we are failing at life if we have not managed to partner up

Sadly true! I remember being in my 40s and single (long time divorced) and a colleague saying "single? We'll soon change that!" as if singledom was a problem to be immediately remedied.

In my 60s now, still single and happy with my status. Odd fling when I feel like it!

I don't think anyone is advocating leaving a relationship for a better one immediately.

It's about meeting someone down the line and if you want to that values you.

I don't see how anyone could have an issue with that.

user Working full time of you have young children and are single is tough.

All her relationships since then have been affairs with married men.

Well, she's not going to find a nice single man if her time is occupied by shagging Shaggers, is she?

Absolutely agree that the priority should be happiness in and with yourself before pursuing a partnership. A partner should clip onto the side of your life and detach without causing grest structural damage to your personage. They should not subsume you to such an extent that your life and personage is torn and collapses without them in it.

Not sure what posts you have seen saying leave for someone else. What I have seen are posts showing women that option, and suggesting first and foremost to make sure that they and their children are safe, secure and happy.

I’m not saying I’ve seen posts saying leave for someone else.

I’ve seen numerous posts saying stuff like “ you deserve better “
“You deserve someone who treats you better “

@clairmcnam "Working full time of you have young children and are single is tough" - of course it would. However what user1479305498 seems to imply is her friend gets into relationships, feigns affection for these men, but cynically just uses them for their money.