I'm so up set and lost now.

[Wildflowe]

I'm a single mum to a 2 year old boy and 4 year old girl. Starting dating a guy last August. I wasn't looking for anybody at the time but we met at a mutual friends bbq. We got on so well but a few months ago he brought up the subject of having a child with me. (I should say he's 8 years younger then me) Anyway I couldn't give him a definite yes or no with mine being so young at the time but I said I may feel differently in a year when my girl reaches school and the pressure is off a little.

Received a message last night from him saying it's best we end things now and he knows for sure he wants his own biological children and I couldn't give him a concrete yes or no.

To say I'm gutted is an understatement.
My children absolutely adore him and I don't know what to say when they start asking after him. Only last week he was saying how much he loves our little family and wants to marry be someday.

I feel absolutely devastated and this man promised me the world and feel like this was my last chance of happiness.

I broke up with the children's father 3 years ago due to alcohol problems so thought things were finally on the up. Now I've got this empty lonely feeling again.

It's hard knowing he'll be looking for somebody to be the mother of his children now.

I just couldn't say yes after 9 months of dating and the added worry of money.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just need to vent. Xx

In all of your post you don’t say if you actually want children.
It’s not unusual for that to be a question that people ask of each other in the early dating stages.
You don’t say how old you are. I mean if you’re 40 then it’s going to be a different scenario than if your 30.

Because there is a big difference in saying to someone yes I would like kids one day. and saying I can’t tell you yet if I would want children at all.

I think you were wise to wait. You haven't been dating long. A child would tie you to him for life!!!

Your pain will ease in time. Don't get manipulated into having a baby to keep him in your life.

Were you saying 'I do want more kids, but not right now'

Or

'I am not sure if I want more kids'

Tbh, if you arent sure you want them at all, he is doing the right thing. Better than spending a few years together, then splitting because you dont want more children.

@Icandothisallday
That’s basically what I was trying to say!! But less succinctly

If you are genuinely not sure, don't do it. But at the same time, he shouldn't mark time with someone who doesn't want the same things in life.

If it was reversed then people would say don’t stay with a man who won’t commit to having DC in the future. He has done the right thing, we wants a commitment to having DC you can’t give him that.

Just also want to say, not having a baby just because he wants one is entirely the right thing to do.

Do not tell him you will have one to try and get him back.

This split is the best thing for both of you.

I hope you stay strong if he re-appears and gives you the chance to 'give in' to 'save the relationship'. That would show he was a massive manipulator.

Hopefully he is just a person with a strong biological need for a child and looking for someone who feels the same.

Part of me feels you've had a lucky escape as it seems like his need for a breeder outweighs his need for a partner - expecially as this came up as an 'end it' text (after a year? Cowardly manchild) rather than after a conversation.

My hunch is he is trying to majorly manipulate you. Do not allow it

feel like this was my last chance of happiness

It definitely isn’t OP! There are plenty of men out there! He isn’t the right one but meeting him has shown that you do enjoy dating, so it hasn’t been a waste of time.

Give yourself time to get over this, then think about going on some other dates. You’ll see there are other options out there. He isn’t the only one!

It hurts but I admire him for actually NOT stringing you along. So many threads on here are about men who have strung women along for years and then decide, once she's wasted fertile years and is around 40, that he's off.

In terms of your children, mumsnet taught me after I'd introduced them quite quickly, that this is not a good thing and to keep things separate. That's bloody hard when you have no childcare though or your children don't see their dad like in my case with my ds.

Please don't sell yourself short by saying he was your last chance. He wasn't the right person for you. It took me a year, maybe less, to realise that I don't want anyone else and I want to dedicate my time to myself and my children. Ds is 4 and is off to school in September so I'm enjoying that time with him as much as possible. You do want someone but give yourself time and maybe rethink your approach to dating ie keeping things separate, not introducing the children, not getting swept away with future talk and just enjoying dating and getting to know someone. I'm very impatient so struggle to hold back but if I date again then I would definitely just take it slowly and really get to know them before I introduced my children.
for you and I hope you feel happier soon.

Part of me feels you've had a lucky escape as it seems like his need for a breeder outweighs his need for a partner - expecially as this came up as an 'end it' text (after a year? Cowardly manchild) rather than after a conversation.

Dont be so ridiculous. He wants kids of course he wants a partner who wants kids. If you both want different things you arent partners in life are you?

Do you say the same to women who want kids and leave men that dont or cant make up their mind?

I think hes going WAY too fast. Im sorry he is trying to push you to agree to more kids so early on. Thats not OK

I think this paints both of you as honest, good people.
Ex-bf didn’t want to commit to a forever partnership without DC on the cards, you were not prepared to say yes to trying to conceive purely to hang on to him.
Tough times just at present, but you have both behaved honourably.

I think it is good that he was completely honest with you. I don't see it as him moving too fast or trying to manipulate you into anything. He just fell in love with you and began to worry that you wouldn't want more children. That he'd 'waste' years waiting for you to decide, only to decide that you didn't,when he definitely knew that he wanted his own biological children.

If he was my son I'd advise him to do exactly what he did. Be honest, ask the question, have the discussion. If it looks unlikely, as hard as it is, it's time to end things.

You're just incompatible op. It's sad. You'll find someone who wants what you want in time.

I'm sorry I forgot to say I'm 39 in August x

I was saying I'm not sure if I wanted more children. Mine are still so young but I said I might feel different in a years time. He wasn't willing to wait it out. I know I didn't have much time to decide if we wanted to try considering my age x

OP if you were 31 and really wanted children and your partner wasnt sure, was approaching the time when it was more difficult to conceive ( I know men can father children older but let's pretend) and they were saying 'next year's maybe, would you risk it?

I do think you being older isnt helping either. If you kept putting it off, then TTC for a while the being pregnant he may be limited to just one child. He may want more.

It was early to have this converstation, but I assume it was due to your age, this came up sooner rather and later.

I am sorry it hurts. But it probably is for the best.

I must also add we we first got together he said he wasn't fussed about having his own children and would happily not have his own if that's what I decided

To be honest if he were the one posting he'd have been advised to cut his losses and end the relationship.

He's done the right thing. Men can have children to quite late ages but it gets harder, and sperm quality can be an issue, you're nearing the end of your fertile years which can lead to issues too.

Sorry you're sad but you're clearly not a match

"I must also add we we first got together he said he wasn't fussed about having his own children and would happily not have his own if that's what I decided"

Maybe spending time with your children helped him to see that he wanted his own.

Tbf op, you haven't got very long to think about it if you're 39. It's really a shame if you were compatible in other ways, but better to end it now.

People change their minds. And as the age difference is so crucial I would say very sadly that he’s made the right choice.
Unless you were desperate to have a child then he could get really tied to you, and in a year or two you might not be able to have children. And then what. He loves you. He can’t have kids with you. It’s a 1000 times worse.

It’s really tough. But it’s a case of two people not being in the same place at the same time

Sorry. It’s fucking hard.

Thank you for all your replies and words of wisdom, I know it's not anybody's fault and I wasn't looking to blame. It's just a difficult situation. I'm just going to take time to get over it and concentrate on my children.

If I get the chance to meet somebody again I definitely won't be introducing them to my children until very later down the line when I know it's for keeps.

Xxx