How can I save my marriage? Resentment killing it

[MatherineTheGreat]

Been married 10years, 2 young kids. Sleep deprived.
I work part time, he works full time. We earn the same.
I struggle to think what he brings to our household life except his salary. I do all the household management, the cleaning, the cooking, the nursery drop offs, the childcare while he’s at work, the appointments, his holiday forms, booking/closing the holidays, the gardening, the diy or organising of tradesmen.

He picks up from nursery, will do bathtime if asked, puts the youngest to bed (which is really falling asleep with her).

It’s not even that I’m the manager and he’s the worker in our relationship. He doesnt see anything that needs doing.
We have a joint (supposedly) to do list that he doesn’t even look at.

Have been depressed after DC2 and trying to make myself more efficient, self help books, cleaning schedules (TOMM), bullet journals to feel better. Thinking I’m the problem.

But I’ve realised the problem is I’m doing everything. I don’t need to get ‘better’ I need him to pull his fucking weight.
I’ve raised it before, and he’ll do a bit, but go back to normal.

The resentment is killing our relationship.
I fantasise about leaving the drudgery and living alone. Or at my worst about ending it all.
I shouldn’t be feeling like this, it’s not right or normal and I can’t carry on how things are.

Has anyone come back from this kind of resentment? Or is this the beginning of the end?

I think it depends if he is willing to step up and shoulder some of the load. It sounds as if he hasn't taken you seriously in the past and that is SO disrespectful. What chores do you want him to do, tell him and for me what worked in the end was an ultimatum (about it being the end) which I would have acted on (ultimatums don't work unless they recognise that you will act on them, so don't do that unless you will carry through)

Perhaps a read of these mught clarify things for him:

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

@sapatsea I’ve seen both of those and so has he.
I think he thinks he’s better than that. But he isn’t

He also has started a small business. And put no effort into it whatsoever. Muggins here is the one trying to drum up business, organise etc.

Divide up the tasks and give him a list of things he is responsible for. Then stop doing those things. Be careful with things he might put on the long finger, or things that may not be up to your standards like cleaning and gardening. It's pointless if you feel you have to micromanage.

It might be better if he has to do things that need to be done immediately like get the children ready for nursery and drop them off, cook, laundry. As in there are direct consequences if those things aren't done.

It’s so easy to get into this cycle while the DC are young but you can come back from the place you’re in and I think it takes one of two things to happen;

1. You have to talk to your DH about what jobs you want him to take on. Don’t muddle this particular chat with your feelings of resentment and how tired you are, literally just lay out exactly what tasks he needs to do from now on.

1. This won’t be popular on here but my DF never used to do much around the house when I was growing up and as a teenager I remember asking my DM how she didn’t seem to get annoyed at him about it. She said that occasionally she does and that she did used to but then she decided that it was making her just as miserable living with the resentment so she made the decision to just get on with doing the lion share at home and equally recognised that he worked incredibly hard for the family in other ways and would ultimately do absolutely anything for any of us.

When I had my young DC and was feeling similar resentment she also passed on the advice that whilst my DH might not be great at appearing to help out much during the baby stage, once they were bigger he would likely be much more involved. This has proven to be massively true and now they are all over 5, I can sometimes not see any of them for hours while he plays football in the garden with them, takes them to sports and chats about computer games!

To help you get back to a place of not resenting your husband, try to think about what he does do for the family and not what he doesn’t. Then you will be more level headed when you approach him to talk about the division of tasks.