DF doesn't want to come here

[namechange0123]

I might be overreacting, I know - I am coming off antidepressants, I'm dieting and my period is due so I'm a bag of nerves and perhaps unreasonable. But.

I'm originally from mainland Europe, have been living and working in the north west for 7 years and DH works 90 miles away and comes back home at weekends. DS is 22 months.

We'll be spending our summer holidays at my parents' holiday property on the beach. DM (still working) made me buy a flight ticket for DF (retired) on our return flight, telling me that he wanted to come.

To me it was a good news, it would have been also nice to have some help with DS. But I was surprised - DF goes on everyday day about how he wants to see DS, FaceTimes us multiple times etc, but also repeats that we have to travel as he hates here - the food, the weather, having to drive on the wrong side, not understanding the language and so on.

Yesterday DM texted me that he changed his mind because "it's a critical time for his garden".
WTF?

She said he's probably scared of something and doesn't want to admit, maybe travelling alone (but in an airport routines are pretty established, you don't have to speak much) or that something would happen to him (he had 2 bypasses two years ago, but he's constantly checked and has come here with DM twice since. Also, it's unlikely that by July there will be already a hard Brexit cancelling the European insurance card).

I know I should talk to him directly, but I'm so disappointed that I can't face it atm. maybe after I've calmed down. Which looks unlikely until I can have some carbohydrates

Should I just let it go?

I don’t see why your mum would lie, so I guess your df had said he wanted to visit you. But perhaps when it came to the reality of it, the thought of travelling on his own was too much. My df hated travelling without dm to organise him and food/tickets/luggage.

Or perhaps he thinks if we Brexit, we’re all going to start acting differently or eating different food or something.

Maybe if you call and say how much you and family are looking forward to him visiting....

This is what we usually do - in our Facetime calls, I always show DS and say "he wants grandpa!" especially when he then grabs my phone.

I'm annoyed that mild irritations about cultural differences can take precedence on his nephew. We all work, he's the only one retired and is smart enough to overcome every potential little problem (last time the airport metal detector wouldn't let him go because of something in his surgery, he undid his shirt and showed them the scar and that was enough!)

Hi namechange

re your comment:-

"We'll be spending our summer holidays at my parents' holiday property on the beach. DM (still working) made me buy a flight ticket for DF (retired) on our return flight, telling me that he wanted to come".

I'd be looking to stay somewhere else other than your parents holiday property now as well as completely reassessing the relationship with your parents. Where are your boundaries at with regards to these people?

Why did your DM make you buy a flight ticket for her husband, why did she not do this?. You are an adult in your own right, why did she do this and feel she could do this?

Your parents actually seem as bad as one another; she did not even bother to speak to you directly but instead sent you a text message re your dad citing a pathetic excuse re the garden. He had no intention ever of wanting to visit; these types are adept at saying all the "right things" whilst actually not being interested at all. He will continue to find any old excuse not to travel rather than be honest with you.

My relationship with my parents is indeed a bit weird, we have had rough times around DS's birth and my PND.

We are now trying to rebuild a proper relationship for DS's sake, but the physical distance helps, when we are physically closer or plan to be then problems arise. DH and I are already planning to save for next year's holiday somewhere else.

Why for your DS sake?

You've said your relationship with your DPs is odd. That distance helps.

You've said your DF at least has a less than enthusiastic relationship with you DS.

So why are you making such efforts, investing so many emotions in this?

Have a long think about who initiates your contact... do you FaceTime them etc?

Once I realised that my DPs never initiated contact unless they wanted something I just stopped contacting them. It has been great. They still ring if they want something, but I accept that reality and am forewarned to refuse.

You may find greater peace, equilibrium with it if you do much the same.

DF has indeed an enthusiastic relationship with DS... provided we are the ones to make the effort to go.

I am making the effort because I haven't known my grandpas (both dead when I was born), my grandmas have been so important in my life, one is still alive and I love her dearly. I mainly travel back because of her. The flat at the beach is ground floor and she can be with us with her wheelchair.

I like the idea of offering DS the same opportunity as he is lucky to have all four grandparents, even if it means putting our problems aside.

There's valuing GPs relationships with your children and being a welcome mat as their adult child and mother of aforementioned children. You should really have a frank conversation with your parents to find out why they're behaving so oddly