I just don’t know what to do, please please help me (trigger warning)

[Bitscared19]

I am utterly lost and at my wit’s end. My husband is a very very high earner. I’m a SAHM. We live in London so super expensive and couldn’t afford it without him. I have been miserable in my marriage for many years. He is misogynistic and has no respect whatsoever for me despite the fact that I’m intelligent and highly educated and actually earned more than him when we first met. I’ve threatened to leave him for years and he’s been dismissive. I didn’t leave as I was worried that the children needed their father (they adore him) and I’d given up my well-paid career for me to raise them and felt trapped financially.

About 6 months ago, someone started paying me attention and started to have what I think is termed an emotional affair, nothing physical. I absolutely know this was wrong and take full responsibility for that. My husband found out and , the day he found out, took over control of money and we had a difficult awful conversation for about 2 hours where he was convinced I was having a full sexual affair. At the end he told me he wanted to have sex with me. I told him again and again that I really didn’t feel well and that this was not a nice way to have sex. He said he wouldn’t tell everyone we knew about my ‘affair’ but reserved the right to change his mind. And that if I was remorseful then I’d go upstairs. I did go upstairs in the end. I’ve been traumatised ever since.

I’ve told him I want a separation and he accepts that but is being phenomenally difficult about it. Either he moves out (he won’t) or I move hundreds of miles from London as it’s the only way I can afford it. Which I don’t want to do as the children wouldn’t see him much. He has also said that he could get the courts to stop me from moving so far away. I’m not sure this is true and will be seeing a solicitor to check. He says he will pay for me to stay in London so he is close to the children but wants it all on his timescale. He said it could take a year for him to sort things out and move out .

I’m so sorry this is so long. I’m not even sure what I asking for. Maybe just need a hand hold. I know I’ve done wrong but I’m struggling so much trying to maintain relations with someone who has done this to me. And I just don’t know where to go from here. If you e got this far, thank you for staying with me.

I’m sorry you are going through this - it sounds a bit familiar to me. I would suggest seeing a solicitor ASAP to talk through your options. I’d also suggest being very careful about what you tell your H about anything now - he is not your friend and sounds manipulative and controlling. Don’t discuss your plans with him and don’t agree to anything he suggests. Try not to engage with him when he criticises you about the “affair”.

You can get out of this but it may be a long hard road ahead.

Contact women's aid.

I know you perhaps dont feel like its for you, but they will have good advice about keeping yourself safe until things are sorted, building a plan to move on and making sure your rights are protected. They will also give you some space to decide whether the police might be helpful in this situation.

How old are the children? Do you have savings or income under your own control?

Are you implying he raped you OP? This is what you seem to be suggesting. He sounds like a really horrible, controlling bastard to be frank.
Talk to a Solicitor and get your ducks in a row. Don’t be bullied by him and don’t agree to anything he suggests. Have you got somewhere you could go until this is sorted out? If so, I would leave and take your children.
Never mind access arrangements for now, take care of yourself and be honest with the children in terms they can understand. Your first duty is to yourself. You e put up with all this for far too long.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. He’s a nasty piece of work. As PPs have said, call Women’s Aid. You are married so entitled to 50% of everything as a starting point. Don’t be bullied by this piss poor excuse of a man. My heart goes out to you and your kids.

Thank you everyone. He has always been difficult to live with and I had reached the end of the road emotionally, knowing that I needed to end it. I suppose because I was in that headspace emotionally, it’s why I allowed myself to begin forming an emotional attachment elsewhere.

I think his ‘manliness’ is so compromised by thinking he’s been cheated on/subsequently being dumped, that he needs to puff out his chest and exert whatever power he can over me. Fist night it was the sex. The night after I pushed back, moved out of the bedroom and told him I’d spoken to a police officer (which I have) and that it was rape through coercion. He refutes it completely. The phrase, ‘But you’re my wife’ came through at one point. In essence, he is a weak man and he hasn’t come near me since so I’m not worried about my physical safety.

But now he is trying to exert power through the money. I have ample spending money on a monthly basis but all the savings are in his name, which I always had access to before. He is suddenly looking for explanations on every penny I spend. He has finally agreed to mediation. The trouble is, 50% of everything isn’t enough to live independently in London. And I would be loathe to rip the children out of school, out of their home, away from their father and friends and away from me as I’d have to go back to work full time (currently 3 days week school hours) and they would then hardly ever see me either. But I will if I have to.

The alternative is staying here with him paying the mortgage. He says he will but with all sorts of ridiculous caveats which make no financial sense at all. Does anyone know if he can stop me through the courts from moving out of London? From what I’ve read online, as long as I ensure access and it is the only way I can afford to live independently, courts would most likely approve it. ???

I will definitely call WA the first chance I get, thank you.

Whats the situation with the equity in the house?

Can you take over the house and pay the mortgage from the Child Support you would receive from him? If he's a high earner you should receive a substantial package in divorce for support of the children.

Could you force a sale of the house and would there be enough left over together with half of the savings to manage to get a small mortgage with a high deposit, or even buy somewhere outright?

If he is high earning, he should have no difficulty in renting another place, however your children need the stability of their home and their mother while this situation is sorted.

Finding a way to get him to move out is the best bet here.