Anyone dated anyone who has abandonment issues?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been on two really good dates with a guy I met on Bumble. I like him a lot, he seems very open and honest which is a good sign and we have great long chats on the phone instigated by him in between dates. So all good on that side.

We’re both around 40, have children and at an age where we feel comfortable to discuss more in-depth subjects like family etc

One thing which did concern me is his family background. His mum divorced his dad at 13 and moved out of the family home into her new partners home. Leaving him with his sister, with their dad bringing them up. This must of been awful for them, especially as the mum had another child with her new partner. I can see this would create feelings of abandonment and trust issues.

Last night he did admit trust is important to him and that he’s not sure how he would feel about letting down his guard to actually fall in love. This seemed a bit of a red flag to me. But he he very open about his feelings which is good and we both communicate how we feel with ease.

He still seems very keen to see where things go with me. We have similarly values and want the same things in life.

Currently I’m taking baby steps.

Am I right in being concerned? I ultimately I want a healthy relationship with someone who can be vulnerable and fall in the love. Am I flogging a dead horse?

He may not have abandonment issues....many people find it hard to trust and these are not the same thing. He seems to recognise this and be honest about it which is positive. But I would agree take it slow and see how these things impact on the relationship.

Thanks, I agree I like the fact he has been honest. I’m going to see how things go. I guess I’ll know in 3-4 dates down the line!

I have abandonment issues from
early childhood and my teenage years which have currently reared their ugly head again. I did go through therapy a long time ago and had dealt with it but a recent event has brought it back and set off triggers that I am now dealing with again.

Just because he’s told you this doesn’t mean he won’t open up and let you in, he’s just letting you know it’s going to be a challenge for him. I told my husband the same at the beginning of our relationship and now he is the only person (apart from my current counsellor) I actually open up to.

Only you can decide if he’s worth it, as until he opens up and let’s you in, you’re always going to be kept slightly at arms length. From my husbands point of view, there have been times when he went though the day completely confused on how to help me as nothing he said or did helped but it was a learning curve for both of us and I’m glad he stuck with me and that I didn’t put him off all those years ago.

Fooking, thanks for sharing your story can I ask did you manage to fall in love with your husband and did it take a lot of time to do it?

I just don’t want to waste my time with something which may not happen. My ex (DD’s father) had bad anxiety and couldn’t deal with the feelings of vulnerability and love so he avoided them. I don’t want a repeat of this 😬 I’ve learnt the hard way! But this guy seems more in tune with his emotions which helps.

Last night he did admit trust is important to him and that he’s not sure how he would feel about letting down his guard to actually fall in love

He was 13 when his Mother left, he's in his 40's now. If he feels this way why is he engaging in a relationship ? Is he pre-warning you he's not up for commitment perhaps. I think he's a waste of your valuable time lady

He is divorcing someone and has two kids so it shows he can do commitment.

I’m wondering if I should have an honest chat with him? We feel comfortable enough to talk about serious things which I don’t feel it would be w bad thing. I would rather be honest about how I’m feeling.

Your main concern serms to be about whether he can fall in love. My main concern would be whether he uses his "issues" to justify unreasonable controlling behaviour if you do have a relationship. Don't fall into that trap.

No I don’t get that feeling from him. My gut instinct is telling me is a genuinely great guy, who is respectful yet honest about his past. I don’t get the feeling he is controlling one little bit. With my experience I’ve now learnt to spot the narcissistic men a mile off! He doesn’t seem one of them. But he still has his issues only time will tell.

Why did his marriage fail?
What is his relationship history?
Does he have a variety of old and new friends around him and is he close with his family.

Observe these and you will know if he has any unresolved issues that could impact your relationship.

So he's been married and has kids, is in his 40s and still needs to bring his childhood up chatting to a potential partner? Make sure he isn't paving the way for just a sexual thing, using "abandonment issues" as an excuse not to commit.

He met someone at 30, she fell pregnant after 3 months. He really didn’t love her, but stuck by her side and had the child. He tried to make it work and got married to do the right thing by his family, they had another child who is 6. He stayed this long until deciding he couldn’t be in loveless marriage. He still tries to see his mother despite what she did. But it’s him which makes the effort. Same with his dad.

He said he wants to do it all the right way. And would consider marriage again. I think he would love a proper family set up.

To me he comes across as someone who has his heart in the right place.

I actually spoke about my family background which then obviously led to his. Only naturally when getting to know someone. I just didn’t expect such an honest answer!

Yes he has old childhood friends whom he sees regularly including new friends

@cherryblossom200

I did fall deeply in love with my husband, but there are still times things that are said and done and not necessarily by him, send me into a bit of a meltdown but I can talk them through now and tell him/others what I need to help me through it.

I’m so thankful he did stick with me as he could have walked as well.

It’s good he’s admitted it, but he needs to be working on it with a therapist.
The most abusive relationship I’ve had was with a desperately insecure man who had to control me.

So he had two DC with someone he didn't love?

I'm really suspicious of folk who bring up their sad childhood during an early meeting with a new acquaintance. I have an extremely sad and traumatic childhood myself, to put that in context.

It's one thing to answer cursory questions about family background, it's another to go into timelines of family traumas etc.

I would take it all as expectation management. Hes telling you you aren't going to have a happy uncomplicated experience with him, and more power to him because at least he is telling you who he is. It's up to you to listen.

People who are ready to love in an uncomplicated, fully reciprocal way do not bring up childhood trauma in the first 40 hours of a new acquaintance imo and ime

Yes Queen 😬 I know it’s not ideal. But I’ve made mistakes in the past too. Not that I see a child as a mistake obviously 😊 they are complete blessings.

It’s only because I asked about if he is close to his family. And he admitted what happened with his mum. So he kind of had to explain. But yes, last nights conversation did make me a little concerned. To admit to the worry of rejection is a bit worrying.

Yeah, people ask if I'm close to my family and I answer "not really, what about you?".

There are many ways to answer a question without turning it into a big explanation of how much I went through as a kid.

If you were pressing him to explain a lack of intimacy with family, you might want to also reflect on why you'd pressure someone to share very personal stuff when they dont know you yet.

But if he really didn't have any pressure to reveal what he did, revealed it anyway, and then went on to inform you that he had fear of rejection...? Yeah, that'd be him telling you to mind your ps and qs with him so that you dont upset him, that his feelings are your job to manage. And that's not on.

That combined with a total cock and bull story about how he accidentally tripped and fell into a marriage and two kids? With someone he didnt love??

That's a man who doesn't take accountability for much imo. Is there anything he IS responsible for in his relationships?

Theres no way I'd see this guy again

He takes responsibility for his part in having a child - not blaming his wife. And understands it wasn’t ideal. No I didn’t press him on his family life. He just revealed it over the phone. And last night we spoke at our 2nd date in more detail.

I don’t know I think you’re all right. Maybe I will walk away.

I'm really suspicious of folk who bring up their sad childhood during an early meeting with a new acquaintance.

me too